Story Sad af

[miserablemom]

I just turned 52 a couple of months ago. To start off, aging is more depressing than I ever imagined. For a woman, your identity feels like it's being robbed daily. The wrinkles, gravity, gray hair. For me the last 20 years compounded on my mental health over the last 2 years. I've been married to my hs bf for 30 years, about 8 years into our marriage and 6 months preggo with our 4th kid he decided he wasn't getting enough attention so he had an affair, this is where it all started and after too many to count and a few on my end we were supposed to start over 4 years ago and love each other and be there for each other. No more affairs. My then 15 year old daughter was assaulted and the next 4 years have been a nightmare of suicide attempts, violence, medications, psych admissions. It drained me mentally and physically and all the while I thought he was feeling the same, we were focused on getting her help and not so much on each other. I guess he wasn't getting enough attention and started another affair with a co worker about 2.5 years ago. I've had my suspicions all along, I've confronted him, snooped, and begged him to tell
Me what was going on. Every time he would deny and throw it back at me and bring up the shit I did. His words once were "how dare you accuse me of cheating when your a fucking whore" well about a month ago I found the ultimate messages that revealed everything and I am crushed. On top of dealing with my daughter beating me up and chasing me with a knife and her going to jail and almost dying, I get this, his response? Well you knew it was going on all along and let it happen. I've been struggling with my own mental health silently for years bc I felt guilty bringing up what was happening in my head while my daughter was going through all the shit she had. He claims it's over and he wants to work on things, I know they keep
Talking to each other and he's still blaming me for being upset and for letting him go on for this long. My life has been mental anguish for years, my parents are dead I don't talk to my brothers and I have no where to go. I don't want to go somewhere else, I'm angry that I'm too stupid to actually succeed with death, I just want to be free of pain and heartache and go be with my parents. The only people who have loved me for me. I'm trying therapy but it's not helping, I feel myself slipping deeper each day. I could go on but I'm sure it's uninteresting and many would say just leave him or divorce him but it's not that easy for me, I've been with him since I was 17 and I honestly couldn't live without him, but now I don't want to live at all. Thanks for letting me share.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, it sounds like you have been through a lot, it must have been so unbearable. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[lostmylove]

I think you've got to leave him. Have a clean break. You've had children, and you've had a really good go at things. You should have a fresh start, it's easier said than done of course but you may know deep down this might be the best thing. Bit of time apart and you may rekindle your love for him. A toxic environment at home won't help your daughter either. It's better for a clean break jus my opinion . I'm only 24 so I won't be offended if you disagree I probably not had enough experience of life :)

 

[miserablemom]

Can someone tell me what SN is?

 

[Manaaja]

Can someone tell me what SN is?

Sodium Nitrite.

 

[miserablemom]

Thanks. Today hasn't been much better. I'd had enough of the shit at home and took off on foot. Got on the freeway and wanted to jump in front of a truck but it was terrifying. Got picked up by the police and went to the ER. Nothing really helped me, I wish I would just have a heart attack in my sleep or something.

 

[OldDrummer]

Same age myself. Marriage broke up some years ago. My young son has learning disabilities.

At the back of my mind, I always thought things would get easier as I got older, but they're just getting more difficult.

 

[miserablemom]

Sodium Nitrite.

As in meat curing salt?

 

[Manaaja]

As in meat curing salt?

Yeah

 

[Shu]

As in meat curing salt?

Do more research and look through the threads a bit more. Make sure you know what you're getting.

 

[eternalflame]

Wishing you the best.
So you want to leave your daughter?

 

[Al_stargate]

Tough to go through these things at 52. Your life should settle down a bit at this point and you're dealing with a cheating partner who should be your support. Sorry about problems with your kid. Tough not having anyone for support and everybody just giving you problems. Do you see things could turn around? Any other options you have? Maybe staying with a relative for a while and work on your inner peace.

 

[miserablemom]

Tough to go through these things at 52. Your life should settle down a bit at this point and you're dealing with a cheating partner who should be your support. Sorry about problems with your kid. Tough not having anyone for support and everybody just giving you problems. Do you see things could turn around? Any other options you have? Maybe staying with a relative for a while and work on your inner peace.

Thank you for this. No I don't have any family to stay with. I honestly think at this point I'm never going to be happy or feel joy or be loved. I don't see that I'm doing anyone any good, especially my daughter. I think I'm going yo get the SN and read about what to do. I just need to find a place my kids won't be the ones to find me. Idk I don't think I've ever been this sad or lost.

 

[miserablemom]

Wishing you the best.
So you want to leave your daughter?

I don't want to leave her, but I don't think I'm doing her any good with my issues. I don't see my life changing or getting better and I feel like I'm adding more stress to her

 

[BigG91]

Thanks. Today hasn't been much better. I'd had enough of the shit at home and took off on foot. Got on the freeway and wanted to jump in front of a truck but it was terrifying. Got picked up by the police and went to the ER. Nothing really helped me, I wish I would just have a heart attack in my sleep or something.

Please don't try these horrific methods because they rarely work or cause a peaceful death and may cause some irreversible damage if you survive.
I know it's bad bht I'd suggest you hold on for some time ..relax for a bit if you can and find a suitable method if you have to in the future ...

 

[eternalflame]

Honestly don't know how to help you. I think your death will be a serious blow to her, at the same time you probably mdid more than enough. Wishing you the best on whatever you may decide.

 

[miserablemom]

Please don't try these horrific methods because they rarely work or cause a peaceful death and may cause some irreversible damage if you survive.
I know it's bad bht I'd suggest you hold on for some time ..relax for a bit if you can and find a suitable method if you have to in the future ...

I really want to see a future, but I just don't. I'm 52 I've got horrible genetics so I will prob have cancer or stroke or heart disease within the next 10 years.

Honestly don't know how to help you. I think your death will be a serious blow to her, at the same time you probably mdid more than enough. Wishing you the best on whatever you may decide.

She's honestly the only reason I'm still here. I guess I need to try to get out of this dark hole I'm in

 

[miserablemom]

Still sad, no improvements with my husband and my daughter is going to end up in jail. I bought SN not sure if it's the right kind, but I think tonight is the night. I got showered and dressed and put on makeup. Not sure if I should go somewhere or do it here. I really don't want my kids to find me. My husband would prob just kick me over and ignore me for as long as he could. It's blatantly there that he doesn't care a bit about me. I just can't do it anymore. Any tips with this SN would help

 

[BigG91]

Still sad, no improvements with my husband and my daughter is going to end up in jail. I bought SN not sure if it's the right kind, but I think tonight is the night. I got showered and dressed and put on makeup. Not sure if I should go somewhere or do it here. I really don't want my kids to find me. My husband would prob just kick me over and ignore me for as long as he could. It's blatantly there that he doesn't care a bit about me. I just can't do it anymore. Any tips with this SN would help

You gotta know if it's the right kind...
Please check it...

 

[Klo]

Still sad, no improvements with my husband and my daughter is going to end up in jail. I bought SN not sure if it's the right kind, but I think tonight is the night. I got showered and dressed and put on makeup. Not sure if I should go somewhere or do it here. I really don't want my kids to find me. My husband would prob just kick me over and ignore me for as long as he could. It's blatantly there that he doesn't care a bit about me. I just can't do it anymore. Any tips with this SN would help

I think you should hold off on an attempt like this. It sounds like you are not prepared and it is not as easy as you might think. I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. Maybe at least try a little time away from your husband and see if you feel differently. A failed suicide attempt will make everything worse in your life.

 

[Why Me?]

Still sad, no improvements with my husband and my daughter is going to end up in jail. I bought SN not sure if it's the right kind, but I think tonight is the night. I got showered and dressed and put on makeup. Not sure if I should go somewhere or do it here. I really don't want my kids to find me. My husband would prob just kick me over and ignore me for as long as he could. It's blatantly there that he doesn't care a bit about me. I just can't do it anymore. Any tips with this SN would help

I'm 41, and I don't think your life or future could be as bad as mine at this point. You've had a husband, a daughter, and who knows what other achievements that I did not get to experience, and probably never will. Ending it all, and going to the other side is risky, because you don't know what it's really like, only what you believe it will be. Do I think you should suffer for no reason? Of course not, I'm suicidal myself. However, I get the feeling you still have room to make things better, at least for you and your daughter, because who need's a cheating husband? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results, so why not try something different? For example, you said therapy is not working for you, maybe your therapists sucks, and you should try maybe getting a life coach instead? Or going to a motivational seminar/vacation, like Tony Robbins or something? Have you tried talking to your daughter differently, like sitting her down, and just showering her with compliments, and telling her how much you love her, and also expressing how much it's hurting you to see her in pain, and have a troubled life, and take accountability for anything that could of contributed, like a troubled marriage or not being able to spend enough time with her, just to get her to see how much you love her, and maybe she'll want to change? Maybe find out something she may want to do, like a hobby, ride horses or something, or go skiing and you can do it together? Maybe you can come up with a plan to start to become independent from your husband? Set some goals, figure out what a happier life would look like for yourself, so you can die in a good place instead of turmoil? Maybe attending a church service? Just some suggestions, I'm not qualified to give advice, but I'm just trying to help. It sounds like your daughter is acting out of trauma, and a suicide will definitely make things worse for her.