orbit
Member
- Jul 27, 2025
- 34
To put it bluntly I hate myself. I hate everything about me: my looks, my personality, my lack of common sense, my interests. Everything about me is terrible, sure I'm not technically the worst of the worst but every part of me is so disgusting and filthy. I keep trying to lie to myself and say that it doesn't matter- that looks aren't important or I'm funny to the right person but it's all bullshit. I'm gross, the bottom of the barrel. A failure in every sense of the word. Sure I'm passable, I haven't committed any crimes or done anything unforgivable, most people would say that I'm a good person. But at my core, deep down in the bottom of my soul I'm nothing. I can smile and get the job done, act as the average person but inside I'm just hollow, meaningless. People look past me and when I do reach their eyes they toss me away like a bit of shit, I'm not just unlucky there's a reason for it. I'm not a person, I'm inhuman, alien. It's always been this way. Sure I've had glimmers of humanity here and there like little acts of kindness but they're scarce and undeserved. I'm truly worthless.
I've never felt love. Never. Not once in my life and I never will. Sure I've dated but it was all an act to get in my purse and get in my pants. Nobody could ever love anyone who's so ugly inside and out. I deserved to get stolen from, I deserved to get raped. I put myself in those situations because deep down I knew I didn't deserve better. I never have and I never will. Self love is just delusion and narcissism wrapped up in a neat little bow. There's nothing about me to love and there never will be for as long as I live.
I have nothing to offer this world. I mean yeah I could get a normal job and copy what the rest of society does- but it's pointless, replaceable. I can only act as the bare minimum and there's billions of better people that can take my place that are more deserving. Every bit of air I take in is wasted, every bit of food and water it all fuels nothing. I'm a living corpse just waiting to be euthanised, a zombie in an average persons body.
My interests, hobbies, love it's all for nothing. When I die all I'll leave is a few shitty organs to harvest, that'll make more use of me.
I know it's considered irrational to hate yourself, there's a million justifications and reasons you could give to make me look better but in this moment right here right now this is how I really feel. And it fucking hurts because everyone around me thinks this too. My parents whisper behind closed doors about how useless I am, my brother cracks jokes about his retarded little sister. People in the street push past me, eye me with disgust. Doctors ignore me always assuming I'm a liar. It's like everyone automatically can see that I'm worthless, like my price tag is tattooed to my forehead.
I try to be better. I try to look nicer, act confident, be helpful- I started volunteering at a charity shop a couple days ago. But I still feel so fucking useless because that's exactly what I am. It's innate like I was born with it somehow. Everything I try I'm bad at, doesn't matter how much I practice. I'm shit at everything I do.
Hell I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm so dissociated out of my fucking mind I forget my own name. I don't know if i'm a boy or a girl, my entire personality changes in a second. I forget shit all the time. I'm not human. My thoughts aren't my own anymore and I don't even know what's considered 'mine' and it scares the shit out of me. There's like 3 different people in my head that take turns and then I'm left confused as fuck because I'm not even a person anymore. All I have is my interests and they're fucking meaningless I can't do anything good with them. Wow lets ramble about the my hero academia games what a fucking loser.
I need to ctb. I need to ctb before someone relies on me. I need to do it sooner then later before it becomes something that will hurt other people. If i died right this second it wouldn't matter. Sure people would be a little sad but they'd get over it. They'd feel relief in the end. I'm just a waste of resources.
I hate the fact I feel this way. I keep trying to blame it on me being off my meds or a depression flare up but i really am nothing. All I want is to be something of value but it feels impossible. I'm mentally retarded and not in the way that makes you nice or smart or oblivious. I wouldn't think this of anyone else, if someone said all this to me I'd tell them it's not true. I can find value in anyone else but myself. I guess that makes me a hypocrite but I can't stop feeling this way no matter how much I try and the people around me look at me the same way I do myself.
I don't even know why I'm crying over this. Everything is so stupid and complicated and overwhelming. I'm not a person anymore, not sure if I ever was but I'm certainly not now. The only thing stopping me ctbing is laziness and fear. not the fear of dying but the fear of surviving. I can't handle another failed attempt. I've got to do this right this time. But I'm so fucking tired I barely have the will to brush my teeth let alone get out of bed to drown myself.
I don't even think this is even real anymore. I keep getting the feeling I'm a character in a game like an npc or something. I keep getting flashbacks to random not even traumatic things. None of my memories feel real and everything seems so complicated and predictable at the same time. I can't prove anyone is real and I don't even feel real myself. I'm half convinced when I die I'll just wake up as another person taking off a headset. I have a feeling if I cut deep enough I'll find metal. If I go and stab someone on the street they'll just respawn. I feel like god and puppet all at once. I don't want to hurt anyone or myself and I won't but I'm having a lot of really dark thoughts. I've never felt so unsure of myself and reality in my life. I think I'm going crazy and I think I'm having an epiphany at the same time. There's no one I can go to about this. The NHS has fuck all and I have no money to pay for therapy privately. But a part of me thinks that it's just like npcs talking to me to keep me in the roleplay of what this reality and society is meant to be. How can I prove everyone isn't just AI?
I keep switching between thoughts and feelings and I just can't handle it anymore. I'm nothing and I have nothing. Nobody cares and they're probably not real. My head is loud and I'm so tired. I can't go on anymore. I just want to die in my sleep tonight. I really don't want to wake up tomorrow. I'm too tired to do anything and I just really need this. I need something to happen in my sleep. I can't do this anymore. I don't know why it's so bad all of a sudden usually I'm more rational then this but what even is being rational? Who the fuck even am I? My brain keeps switching inbetween everything and I'm at a loss. its like one second im happy the next im not the next im shitting myself it makes so fucking sense
I needed to just get this out of my head and into words I'll post it to get other eyes on it idk I'm sorry I'm not usually like this
I've never felt love. Never. Not once in my life and I never will. Sure I've dated but it was all an act to get in my purse and get in my pants. Nobody could ever love anyone who's so ugly inside and out. I deserved to get stolen from, I deserved to get raped. I put myself in those situations because deep down I knew I didn't deserve better. I never have and I never will. Self love is just delusion and narcissism wrapped up in a neat little bow. There's nothing about me to love and there never will be for as long as I live.
I have nothing to offer this world. I mean yeah I could get a normal job and copy what the rest of society does- but it's pointless, replaceable. I can only act as the bare minimum and there's billions of better people that can take my place that are more deserving. Every bit of air I take in is wasted, every bit of food and water it all fuels nothing. I'm a living corpse just waiting to be euthanised, a zombie in an average persons body.
My interests, hobbies, love it's all for nothing. When I die all I'll leave is a few shitty organs to harvest, that'll make more use of me.
I know it's considered irrational to hate yourself, there's a million justifications and reasons you could give to make me look better but in this moment right here right now this is how I really feel. And it fucking hurts because everyone around me thinks this too. My parents whisper behind closed doors about how useless I am, my brother cracks jokes about his retarded little sister. People in the street push past me, eye me with disgust. Doctors ignore me always assuming I'm a liar. It's like everyone automatically can see that I'm worthless, like my price tag is tattooed to my forehead.
I try to be better. I try to look nicer, act confident, be helpful- I started volunteering at a charity shop a couple days ago. But I still feel so fucking useless because that's exactly what I am. It's innate like I was born with it somehow. Everything I try I'm bad at, doesn't matter how much I practice. I'm shit at everything I do.
Hell I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm so dissociated out of my fucking mind I forget my own name. I don't know if i'm a boy or a girl, my entire personality changes in a second. I forget shit all the time. I'm not human. My thoughts aren't my own anymore and I don't even know what's considered 'mine' and it scares the shit out of me. There's like 3 different people in my head that take turns and then I'm left confused as fuck because I'm not even a person anymore. All I have is my interests and they're fucking meaningless I can't do anything good with them. Wow lets ramble about the my hero academia games what a fucking loser.
I need to ctb. I need to ctb before someone relies on me. I need to do it sooner then later before it becomes something that will hurt other people. If i died right this second it wouldn't matter. Sure people would be a little sad but they'd get over it. They'd feel relief in the end. I'm just a waste of resources.
I hate the fact I feel this way. I keep trying to blame it on me being off my meds or a depression flare up but i really am nothing. All I want is to be something of value but it feels impossible. I'm mentally retarded and not in the way that makes you nice or smart or oblivious. I wouldn't think this of anyone else, if someone said all this to me I'd tell them it's not true. I can find value in anyone else but myself. I guess that makes me a hypocrite but I can't stop feeling this way no matter how much I try and the people around me look at me the same way I do myself.
I don't even know why I'm crying over this. Everything is so stupid and complicated and overwhelming. I'm not a person anymore, not sure if I ever was but I'm certainly not now. The only thing stopping me ctbing is laziness and fear. not the fear of dying but the fear of surviving. I can't handle another failed attempt. I've got to do this right this time. But I'm so fucking tired I barely have the will to brush my teeth let alone get out of bed to drown myself.
I don't even think this is even real anymore. I keep getting the feeling I'm a character in a game like an npc or something. I keep getting flashbacks to random not even traumatic things. None of my memories feel real and everything seems so complicated and predictable at the same time. I can't prove anyone is real and I don't even feel real myself. I'm half convinced when I die I'll just wake up as another person taking off a headset. I have a feeling if I cut deep enough I'll find metal. If I go and stab someone on the street they'll just respawn. I feel like god and puppet all at once. I don't want to hurt anyone or myself and I won't but I'm having a lot of really dark thoughts. I've never felt so unsure of myself and reality in my life. I think I'm going crazy and I think I'm having an epiphany at the same time. There's no one I can go to about this. The NHS has fuck all and I have no money to pay for therapy privately. But a part of me thinks that it's just like npcs talking to me to keep me in the roleplay of what this reality and society is meant to be. How can I prove everyone isn't just AI?
I keep switching between thoughts and feelings and I just can't handle it anymore. I'm nothing and I have nothing. Nobody cares and they're probably not real. My head is loud and I'm so tired. I can't go on anymore. I just want to die in my sleep tonight. I really don't want to wake up tomorrow. I'm too tired to do anything and I just really need this. I need something to happen in my sleep. I can't do this anymore. I don't know why it's so bad all of a sudden usually I'm more rational then this but what even is being rational? Who the fuck even am I? My brain keeps switching inbetween everything and I'm at a loss. its like one second im happy the next im not the next im shitting myself it makes so fucking sense
I needed to just get this out of my head and into words I'll post it to get other eyes on it idk I'm sorry I'm not usually like this
