NSFW [selfish rant] so much going on

[azalea087]

I have no idea how to start this vent/rant so I apologize in advance for my nonsensical ramblings
I might reveal way too much info about myself but whatever.
I always feel like I don't have enough reasons to ctb and thatd itd be selfish if I did but now I'm certain I want to.
RANT STARTS
tbh all of my mental problems and disorders started when my dad passed, it kinda kicked off my anxiety, depression, and addictive habits
but to be honest if it was just that I probably wouldn't be suicidal but oh it gets worse, HE WAS A FUCKING PEDOPHILE because of course he was, i cant have anything good in life lol.
i figured out because his ICloud would sync with mine and boom his photo gallery would be on my phone... (when this would happen i didnt think much of it since i was an actual child so i had no idea what was going on but now that i'm older i realized)
thats all i wanted to talk about right now because i havent been able to tell anyone and its been bugging me since its making me reconsider every second ive spent with him.
Idk if i want to talk about everything like 0 friends, failed relationships, current failing relationship, mom hates me, expelled from school so I'm now forced to stay home 24/7 and do virtual school. (the only social contact with other people I get is at church so I guess that's cool?)
anyway before I end up ctb I want to experience some things first.
1. I've never played red dead redemption so pirating that and having fun playing it for 80 or so hours would be cool.
2. heroin. I have a friend (shocking I know) that'd help me out with shooting me up but since I wouldn't be alive to get addicted who cares?
Yeah that's it I don't really have anything else to look forward to atm since I kinda threw away the future i had going for myself when i got expelled
(i got expelled for having a shit ton of weed in my backpack like a dumbass, the school had I.T. programs and such I was doing so RIP)


Im so sorry if this post was against the rules because of the things i mentioned

TLDR: dead dad ended up being pedo, expelled from school cuz of weed, and i wanna try heroin before i ctb

 

[suicidalextremist]

That sounds harsh, you definitely do have legitimate reasons to ctb, but at the end of the day it's your decision.

I wouldn't say anyone is selfish when it comes to mental health issues, or people that ctb, unless it's someone doing so to avoid further punishment from the law and such.

If you need to talk, I'm here. I'll listen to all your "Selfish rants" and give you advice or just try and cheer you up depending on what you want, if you want to.

 

[azalea087]

I wouldn't say anyone is selfish when it comes to mental health issues, or people that ctb, unless it's someone doing so to avoid further punishment from the law and such.

It's always hard because I see myself as selfish or that other people have it worse than me kind of thing. But yeah I agree with you.

If you need to talk, I'm here. I'll listen to all your "Selfish rants" and give you advice or just try and cheer you up depending on what you want, if you want to.

I'm very thankful.

 

[stoopid]

That was unexpected, but atleast you find your way down here. That sounds very crazy and awful and kinda random. Share your thoughts here if you like, we're listen to the worst ramblings

 

[azalea087]

That was unexpected, but atleast you find your way down here. That sounds very crazy and awful and kinda random. Share your thoughts here if you like, we're listen to the worst ramblings

yeah it is really random i dont really know how to properly structure these types of posts and i was in a rush since my mom was waking up.
sorry for the random and unexpected nature of this lol but thank you for the support

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

Talk about all youre comfortable with talking about. You'll find walks of all life here. No one can determine if 'its enough' to ctb for you and dont base it off of others experiences and issues. We are all unique in our own way.

1. I've never played red dead redemption so pirating that and having fun playing it for 80 or so hours would be cool.

Whats stopping you from playing? I love playing video games. Its my release from the real world.

 

[azalea087]

Whats stopping you from playing? I love playing video games. Its my release from the real world.

No idea to be honest, I played the multiplayer once but apart from that i never got to it. Definitely doing it today tho gonna get that off my bucket list lol
my mom just barged into my room (like 6am so this was what i wouldve woken up to if i wasnt up all night) yelling at me because my isp emailed her that i used a torrenting software and that i had to do yard work soo for rdr2 ill use a vpn

dont base it off of others experiences and issues. We are all unique in our own way.

Yeah I never think about it like that when it comes to other peoples situations but when it comes to mine i always have some excuse on why i cant do it idk. Thank you for the insight and help

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

@azalea087 Thats unlucky. I have spectrum internet and got a warning for downloading a 400gb High-def scenery pack for flight sim, took like a week to download, I think thats what gave myself away. I laid low for a few weeks then went right back to torrenting. Never had an issue since and I never use a VPN.

What source/software did you use? I got some resources if you want so that doesnt happen again.

 

[azalea087]

@azalea087 Thats unlucky. I have spectrum internet and got a warning for downloading a 400gb High-def scenery pack for flight sim, took like a week to download, I think thats what gave myself away. I laid low for a few weeks then went right back to torrenting. Never had an issue since and I never use a VPN.

To be honest all I did (when I wasnt on a vpn) was installing a crackfix for deathloop because my pc is shit and the game wouldnt launch, but dont worry i have a pretty reliable vpn i use so i dont get the stupid emails.

What source/software did you use? I got some resources if you want so that doesnt happen again.

utweb and usually dodi repacks or rarbg they usually have everything i need so its ok

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really believe that suicide could ever need a reason in the first place, after all it's a personal decision when to exit this world that doesn't need to be justified, suicide isn't a privledge that is only reserved for certain people who are suffering to a certain extent, it's up to the individual when to leave. Death will happen someday whether there is a reason behind it or not, it's simply inevitable. It sounds really awful what you've had to go through, life really is just so cruel, but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Octavia]

It must be horrible to learn that one of your caretakers was a horrendous person, I cannot imagine how it feels like. I am not really sure if trying out hard drugs before dying is a good idea however, given that if it turns out that you would still live on, you would have to deal with addiction which honestly sounds like a massive pain in the neck.

Edit: also, this rant is anything but selfish.

 

[azalea087]

I don't really believe that suicide could ever need a reason in the first place, after all it's a personal decision when to exit this world that doesn't need to be justified, suicide isn't a privledge that is only reserved for certain people who are suffering to a certain extent, it's up to the individual when to leave. Death will happen someday whether there is a reason behind it or not, it's simply inevitable. It sounds really awful what you've had to go through, life really is just so cruel, but anyway I wish you the best.

You described it perfectly and its nice to hear that instead of people constantly saying the opposite <3

given that if it turns out that you would still live on, you would have to deal with addiction which honestly sounds like a massive pain in the neck.

very true lol but ill only end up trying it if im 100% certain that ill end it the same day, and since my method cant really fail (i dont think), ill probably be fine also im not jumping from weed to h ive tried most substances that i wanted to so far its just that h is the lsat on my bucket list

 

[Octavia]

You described it perfectly and its nice to hear that instead of people constantly saying the opposite <3

very true lol but ill only end up trying it if im 100% certain that ill end it the same day, and since my method cant really fail (i dont think), ill probably be fine also im not jumping from weed to h ive tried most substances that i wanted to so far its just that h is the lsat on my bucket list

I suppose that substances can be a source of comfort in one's darkest night. I hope that you would find peace, whichever form it may take.

 

[etherealgoddess]

I have no idea how to start this vent/rant so I apologize in advance for my nonsensical ramblings
I might reveal way too much info about myself but whatever.
I always feel like I don't have enough reasons to ctb and thatd itd be selfish if I did but now I'm certain I want to.
RANT STARTS
tbh all of my mental problems and disorders started when my dad passed, it kinda kicked off my anxiety, depression, and addictive habits
but to be honest if it was just that I probably wouldn't be suicidal but oh it gets worse, HE WAS A FUCKING PEDOPHILE because of course he was, i cant have anything good in life lol.
i figured out because his ICloud would sync with mine and boom his photo gallery would be on my phone... (when this would happen i didnt think much of it since i was an actual child so i had no idea what was going on but now that i'm older i realized)
thats all i wanted to talk about right now because i havent been able to tell anyone and its been bugging me since its making me reconsider every second ive spent with him.
Idk if i want to talk about everything like 0 friends, failed relationships, current failing relationship, mom hates me, expelled from school so I'm now forced to stay home 24/7 and do virtual school. (the only social contact with other people I get is at church so I guess that's cool?)
anyway before I end up ctb I want to experience some things first.
1. I've never played red dead redemption so pirating that and having fun playing it for 80 or so hours would be cool.
2. heroin. I have a friend (shocking I know) that'd help me out with shooting me up but since I wouldn't be alive to get addicted who cares?
Yeah that's it I don't really have anything else to look forward to atm since I kinda threw away the future i had going for myself when i got expelled
(i got expelled for having a shit ton of weed in my backpack like a dumbass, the school had I.T. programs and such I was doing so RIP)


Im so sorry if this post was against the rules because of the things i mentioned

TLDR: dead dad ended up being pedo, expelled from school cuz of weed, and i wanna try heroin before i ctb

Nah, dude. Your life is not over because you got expelled. Look into entrepreneurship. You can learn how to set up a business and become successful with a good idea and learn some other skills. You can make money in other ways, not just working for someone else. Maybe the experience is actually meant to push you into a better version of yourself that you would not be if you were still in school! :)

 

[azalea087]

Nah, dude. Your life is not over because you got expelled. Look into entrepreneurship. You can learn how to set up a business and become successful with a good idea and learn some other skills. You can make money in other ways, not just working for someone else. Maybe the experience is actually meant to push you into a better version of yourself that you would not be if you were still in school! :)

Thank you for the kind words <3 but theres alot more going on that i dont want to make public on this forum right now, the explusion was the cherry on top of everything yknow.
But anyway thank you for the support

 

[etherealgoddess]

Thank you for the kind words <3 but theres alot more going on that i dont want to make public on this forum right now, the explusion was the cherry on top of everything yknow.
But anyway thank you for the support

You'll find the best path! :)

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

It's always hard because I see myself as selfish or that other people have it worse than me kind of thing. But yeah I agree with you.

Just because people have it worse, it doesn't invalidate the struggles that you have. Comparison is also something I struggled and still struggle with.

PS: Red Dead Redemption is an amazing series, and Red Dead Redemption 2 in particular is amazing! I still find new stuff in the game 4 years later, it's great. There are some obvious flaws, especially with online but the single player is great.

 

[azalea087]

Just because people have it worse, it doesn't invalidate the struggles that you have. Comparison is also something I struggled and still struggle with.

I think my mindset is like that because it was pushed on me as a kid since my first attempt was in like 6th grade so I'd get yelled at by my mom because "i have a loving family and thats more than alot of people"
Now she is 24/7 monitoring me through ring cameras around our house because shes scared ill kill myself. (like id do it at home lol)

PS: Red Dead Redemption is an amazing series, and Red Dead Redemption 2 in particular is amazing! I still find new stuff in the game 4 years later, it's great. There are some obvious flaws, especially with online but the single player is great.

I am really excited to play it now, tbh ive loved every rockstar game ive played, bully is my all time favorite so RDR2 is definitely gonna delay any plans i have iykyk lol

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I think my mindset is like that because it was pushed on me as a kid since my first attempt was in like 6th grade so I'd get yelled at by my mom because "i have a loving family and thats more than alot of people"
Now she is 24/7 monitoring me through ring cameras around our house because shes scared ill kill myself. (like id do it at home lol)

I am really excited to play it now, tbh ive loved every rockstar game ive played, bully is my all time favorite so RDR2 is definitely gonna delay any plans i have iykyk lol

Yeah after being told something so many times, I imagine it would change your thinking, make you feel invalid since people have it worse, but always remember that your feelings are valid. It sounds like you've had it very rough, and to me and everyone else here, your feelings are very valid. There's a reason even successful people CTB, because mental problems don't discriminate. I can't imagine pretty much being watched 24/7, it sounds miserable.

Though on a lighter note, Bully was great as well. It was a nice change from the typical rockstar game. I played it wayyyy late, like only a few years back. That being said, Red Dead Redemption feels very immersive, and I think you'll enjoy it if games are kind of a way to escape reality (as I do lol). Either way, I hope life is going as good as it possibly can be, you sound like a kind person, just going through tough times.