Story shut-in, don't know where to even start

[psychoelectricangel]

dont rly know what to tag this as im sorry

my pathetic, half-assed "attempt" anniversary is this month, i cant remember the day which feels dumb. but i dont want to die, as much at least, but i dont know what other options i have at this point- i feel like i *should* die ane deserve to die atp. ive been a complete shut in for like 3 years now, im physically really weak and struggle with chronic fatigue. i still sh regularly and have an ed thats getting worse, and i have anxiety so bad that i dropped out of school a few years ago and still dont have my ged (i should have graduated in may this year). and the anxiety is so bad i still cant go in public places where i have to speak to anyone without spiralling and completely breaking down, like crying unable to breathe, only exceptions being like talking to a cashier and even then im super anxious. my disgusting father ruined any chance i had of being able to be social, speak to ppl or even know how to act like a human by keeping me isolated till literally 5th grade, being homeschooled and only leaving the house to go to church
ive never had a job (i worked part time at my "sisters" work, she just gave me the job for free but i havent been there for months because i was so fucking bad at it even though it was the most basic shit).
and because of my chronic fatigue and whatever else is physically wrong with me i dont think i can handle one, not to mention the mental toll itd take.. plus i know this is horribly selfish, but it genuinely sounds safer and easier and more relaxing to just ctb, than to work some pathetic retail job my whole life, living paycheck to paycheck.
i cant go to college, im broke and not smart or talented enough for any scholarships.
right now im living with a family friend who sees me as a sister, and im so grateful but every day i feel more and more guilty for staying here, i barely help with anything besides dishes and i dont have the money to help pay the rent or for food or anything. plus, just to top everything off, the state the world is in doesnt help at all...
idk ik this is rly long im sorry. idk what to do i know i cant just keep doing nothing but i dont know where to even *start* or if i should just ctb so everyone else doesnt have to keep supporting my useless self

 

[EmptyBottle]

It's alright to not know where, some posts are in between the CTB discussion and recovery.

I also can't remember the exact day I tried CTB, only that it was maybe around late February to March in 2022.

I don't know why homeschooling without inspections and 1-on-1 conversations with the "students" is even legal, there have been too many cases where homeschooling goes south.

You could start by getting help for the anxiety maybe? That could help whether you aim for a ged or not, since that directly impacts quality-of-life.

I also find doing nothing tends to get dull.