Venting So close

[willitpass]

My mouth and lips is tingly, like TV static. My legs feel like lead. I'm so lightheaded. And my chest hurts.

Can I send you a message??

Yes.

 

[CatLvr]

My mouth and lips is tingly, like TV static. My legs feel like lead. I'm so lightheaded. And my chest hurts.

Yes.

I kinda wrote a book. Sorry!!

 

[willitpass]

Taking two stimulant suppositories so close together was a bad idea. And I kept one of them in for an hour and a half. I'm cramping so bad right now. And my asshole is on fire. TMI I know, but oh well. Everything just hurts right now.
And now I'm having palpitations and an irregular heart rate again. I think it's the magnesium in the laxatives causing it.

 

[nir]

Taking two stimulant suppositories so close together was a bad idea. And I kept one of them in for an hour and a half. I'm cramping so bad right now. And my asshole is on fire. TMI I know, but oh well. Everything just hurts right now.
And now I'm having palpitations and an irregular heart rate again. I think it's the magnesium in the laxatives causing it.

Sounds like your electrolytes are fucked up beyond belief. Also have to account for the psychological toll that the letdown of this weekend could have on your body - we know the body tolerates more when it has hope/something to look forward to (even if, ironically, the thing you were looking forward to was death). I wonder if your body is also doing worse now because you're feeling so let down.

 

[willitpass]

Non stop palpitations. Like my heart is just fluttering (it's not, but there's definitely something going on).

 

[nir]

Non stop palpitations. Like my heart is just fluttering (it's not, but there's definitely something going on).

How are you feeling today?

 

[willitpass]

How are you feeling today?

Better this morning. Very dehydrated so everything goes black when I stand up. And my bones and joints all ache. But the painful cramping and heart palpitations have subsided.

 

[willitpass]

Mostly cleared myself out overnight. Had a small binge this morning. I hate the cycle I've found myself in. Binging, restricting, purging with laxatives. It makes me feel so disgusting. I feel like a fat pig for all of these binges even though I know I'm still restricting enough as my weight overall is still trending down, albeit much slower. I just feel so fucking disgusting. This eating disorder has consumed my life. It's yet another reason I'm ready to let go.

 

[nir]

Mostly cleared myself out overnight. Had a small binge this morning. I hate the cycle I've found myself in. Binging, restricting, purging with laxatives. It makes me feel so disgusting. I feel like a fat pig for all of these binges even though I know I'm still restricting enough as my weight overall is still trending down, albeit much slower. I just feel so fucking disgusting. This eating disorder has consumed my life. It's yet another reason I'm ready to let go.

Question about all the drugs you're taking - is there a risk that you won't die, but that you'll instead sustain a brain injury? Sorry for the intrusive question.

 

[willitpass]

Question about all the drugs you're taking - is there a risk that you won't die, but that you'll instead sustain a brain injury? Sorry for the intrusive question.

It's a risk with any method. One of the drugs I will be taking breaks the blood-brain barrier in overdoses so I will most likely have a seizure after reaching unconsciousness. Respiratory failure and poor circulation could also cause a hypoxic brain injury if severe enough as well. And of course if I'm saved I could very well go into/be in cardiac arrest and sustain an anoxic brain injury. Honestly the biggest risk will be the plastic bag. If I don't pull it off and am saved I will have been rebreathing CO2 indefinitely. That is a very high risk of brain damage. This is why I will be booking the hotel for 2 days. I do not want to be found alive. God forbid I wake up after the first round I will be downing the last of the visine. I don't believe I will survive the first round, but that is a precautionary measure. I think I will share what I am taking in my goodbye thread.

 

[nir]

It's a risk with any method. One of the drugs I will be taking breaks the blood-brain barrier in overdoses so I will most likely have a seizure after reaching unconsciousness. Respiratory failure and poor circulation could also cause a hypoxic brain injury if severe enough as well. And of course if I'm saved I could very well go into/be in cardiac arrest and sustain an anoxic brain injury. Honestly the biggest risk will be the plastic bag. If I don't pull it off and am saved I will have been rebreathing CO2 indefinitely. That is a very high risk of brain damage. This is why I will be booking the hotel for 2 days. I do not want to be found alive. God forbid I wake up after the first round I will be downing the last of the visine. I don't believe I will survive the first round, but that is a precautionary measure. I think I will share what I am taking in my goodbye thread.

I won't question any further because it's evident you know more about this method than I or probably anyone else here could know. I hope for your sake it doesn't end in brain damage/injury.

Are you planning on picking up the meds tomorrow?

 

[willitpass]

I won't question any further because it's evident you know more about this method than I or probably anyone else here could know. I hope for your sake it doesn't end in brain damage/injury.

Are you planning on picking up the meds tomorrow?

They aren't ready yet. I'm hopeful they will be tomorrow. If not I can't imagine they won't be ready by Wednesday.

 

[Silent_cries]

Look on the bright side, if you don't get the meds, you'll likely die from dehydration anyway (or a cardiac arrest). Yeah, that probably came of worse than intended, guess all I'm saying is that you'll likely ctb regardless. I hope so for you anyway. Is it bulimia you have? That's gotta be rough, sorry you're going through that.

 

[willitpass]

My cat is back curled up in my arms. She's sleeping so peacefully. I hate that she'll be so confused why I abandoned her.
I'm a fat selfish pig and I deserve to die.

 

[willitpass]

I've figured out how to circumvent any SI that will inevitably come along. I will tell myself I'm just self harming. I've overdosed on meds hundreds if not thousands of times to self harm. Including on these cardiac meds. And I had that impulsive attempt last month. If I tell myself it's just self harm I think it will be easier to overcome that last minute SI.

 

[willitpass]

I hope it restocks today.

 

[nir]

I hope it restocks today.

When are you heading in to see?

 

[willitpass]

When are you heading in to see?

I get texts updates to my phone. They'll let me know when it's ready.

 

[willitpass]

Still no word, which is making me start to think it won't be today.
I just want to fucking die. This pharmacy needs to fucking hurry up.

 

[willitpass]

This one fucking prescription is standing between my life and death.

 

[willitpass]

Writing up some more nights right now while I have the energy and inspiration.

 

[CatLvr]

My cat is back curled up in my arms. She's sleeping so peacefully. I hate that she'll be so confused why I abandoned her.
I'm a fat selfish pig and I deserve to die.

We talked about this. I wish you could just give you this one thing and realize she knows you better than you know yourself. And she understands.

 

[willitpass]

Hoping and praying for tomorrow. If not I'm considering going where I need to Thursday-Friday and then booking a hotel for Friday night as it must be here by then. That would give me a whole free weekend to not be bothered. Fingers crossed for tomorrow, though.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

will be looking out for your updates

I know you've been suffering greatly for so long. we will miss your thoughts and knowledgeable insights.

wishing you nothing but peace.

 

[willitpass]

Tired and have a headache.

 

[willitpass]

Still no word. If they don't refill it today I'll be convinced the universe is fucking with me.

 

[willitpass]

It's ready. I'll be picking it up this afternoon.

 

[CatLvr]

It's ready. I'll be picking it up this afternoon.

This both makes me insanely happy and breaks my heart.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

It's ready. I'll be picking it up this afternoon.

Good luck

 

[willitpass]

Getting knots in my stomach now that it's actually happening. A mix of anticipation and obviously SI. No getting around SI with all the attempt trauma I have, just have to do what I told myself. Deep breaths, telling myself it's just self harm and what happens happens. If it's meant to be it will kill me. If not then I'll pick up the pieces in the morning. I'll be picking it up in a few hours. I just need to book the hotel.