I think all of this is also too superficial for me. I am a pretty deep person. And all of this felt so shallow. I think I am good at making deep connections. They like me when I am opening up in my self-help group. But this particular form of socializing is simply not made for me.
Thank you for your kind reply!
You're welcome. I feel like it makes me look like I am narcissistic or full of myself when I say things like this... but, yes, I feel the same sometimes... that I'm capable of making deep connections but never am with anyone else capable of doing the same. And I don't just mean romantically, which is what I usually post about because that is where my misery lies... but with just a friend, I've often been frustrated by friends of the past who just seemed to be kind of shallow.
I had one friend randomly many years ago brag about how when he was a kid he and some others had scammed people where he lived by pretending to be collecting for the March of Dimes and then they took all the cash donations they received and spent them on eating at restaurants and buying things. And sure, as an adult he said he wouldn't do something like that... except, the way he talked about it wasn't with regret or shame for his acts but a humble brag on how he had pulled one over and gained for himself. He showed no signs of remorse for that behavior.
It's one thing to misbehave as a youth... it's quite another to look bad on that time and see is as something to be admired or handwaved as "youthful indiscretion" without seeming to learn any lessons.
This same guy was someone I worked with for a while... and in the breakroom at work he wouldn't even try not to make a mess. I always tried to be careful and if I spilled something I would wipe it up as best I could. He voiced his philosophy as "we hire a cleaning crew, that's their job." So, like, in his view because they hired someone to clean up every day, it gave him a license to intentionally/neglectfully create messes for them to clean up. That's how as an adult he still looked down on others and only cared about himself. It's how I could really tell his other youthful indiscretions weren't just folly of youth to grow from, and were emblematic of the kind of person he was.
Long rambling point being... Bad people aren't just bad... but somehow especially good at making good people question themselves. I feel like that is worse than just being bad, making someone else feel they are wrong when they really aren't.
As an aside... I miss playing board games. My parents played some with me growing up... and I played some with other kids too... but after a while, and this is before video games took over, it became harder to find anyone who wanted to play board games. I had friends that wanted to go underage drinking rather than play board games, so I lost a lot of friends there... and then as adults, I just don't find meaningful connections with anyone anymore, and certainly not people who would want to play board games with me.
It's an example of a thing I would enjoy doing if I had people to do it with... but I don't, so I can't. Also, every once in a while I run across someone who might play but is super-competitive. To me, while I don't like losing all the time... playing games is a social activity to me, and I enjoy the journey of the game and the time shared together moreso than winning vs losing. When I have played against someone competitive, it's all about the winning to them... so if I win, they don't enjoy it and want to quit... but if they win too much, they don't want to keep playing with me.
People are simultaneously a constant source of personal frustration to me AND something I desperately wish I could find meaningful connection and shared experiences.
