BridgeJumper
The Arsonist
- Apr 7, 2019
- 1,193
I never gave shit about my health. I used to be a health freak but after being endlessly mocked, told theres nothing wrong with me, and treated poorly, taking care to breach every treatment protocol possible just because doctors had me in contempt for having mental illness, forcing me to sleep in my vomit, sewing my slit wrists up with no anesthesia etc, I decided I will never go see a doctor again unless Im legitimately in a risk of death. I talked about my passive ctb plan in case I cant jump, how my meds destroy my white blood cells and I could make myself die of some serious infection and pretend it wasnt suicide but an accident.
Amidst all the overdoses, starvation diets and alcohol poisonings, forcing myself to puke the ice cream Ive eaten outside in the cold and walks in t-shirts, I thought not being able to eat anymore because it hurt was nomal. I thought it was nausea. Then one day it started hurting like, really bad. I couldnt breathe normally. Id take one breath and another after like 30 seconds so it would hurt less. I learnt to use breathing muscles I never knew existed cause it felt like someone punched me in my sternum all the time. Its been a few days, I cant sleep cause it hurts, I cant breathe cause it hurts, I cant eat, I cant drink, Im either insanely cold or insanely hot. Im dumping cold water on my head to stop burning up. Everytime I try to drink I cough so hard I want to vomit so I started just wetting my tongue instead. Ive been having dreams about buying 3 huge bottles of cold banana juice and just drinking it. Havent pissed in a while, my eyes are sunken in and my mouth started cracking. Im white as a sheet of canvas and so tired I could sleep on the floor and have people commenting that I look like a wreck and asking if Im intentionally trying to destroy myself. As I sit typing this, I clutch my chest heart attack style, coughing up this weird, transparent stringy substance. My mother wants me to go to the hospital, I told her Id rather stick a feather up my ass, lie down in the river and pretend Im a sailboat till I finally do myself in. Its not like shes gonna force me anyway, she doesnt care nearly as much as about her daily dose of vodka. So yeah, here I am. Im basically slowly dying, Im excited. My pulse is dropping, isnt that great? Lets go swimming in freezing cold water and jogging in underwear to speed up the cycle cause Im a pathethic waste of space.
Amidst all the overdoses, starvation diets and alcohol poisonings, forcing myself to puke the ice cream Ive eaten outside in the cold and walks in t-shirts, I thought not being able to eat anymore because it hurt was nomal. I thought it was nausea. Then one day it started hurting like, really bad. I couldnt breathe normally. Id take one breath and another after like 30 seconds so it would hurt less. I learnt to use breathing muscles I never knew existed cause it felt like someone punched me in my sternum all the time. Its been a few days, I cant sleep cause it hurts, I cant breathe cause it hurts, I cant eat, I cant drink, Im either insanely cold or insanely hot. Im dumping cold water on my head to stop burning up. Everytime I try to drink I cough so hard I want to vomit so I started just wetting my tongue instead. Ive been having dreams about buying 3 huge bottles of cold banana juice and just drinking it. Havent pissed in a while, my eyes are sunken in and my mouth started cracking. Im white as a sheet of canvas and so tired I could sleep on the floor and have people commenting that I look like a wreck and asking if Im intentionally trying to destroy myself. As I sit typing this, I clutch my chest heart attack style, coughing up this weird, transparent stringy substance. My mother wants me to go to the hospital, I told her Id rather stick a feather up my ass, lie down in the river and pretend Im a sailboat till I finally do myself in. Its not like shes gonna force me anyway, she doesnt care nearly as much as about her daily dose of vodka. So yeah, here I am. Im basically slowly dying, Im excited. My pulse is dropping, isnt that great? Lets go swimming in freezing cold water and jogging in underwear to speed up the cycle cause Im a pathethic waste of space.
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