Story Spitting

[deomlez]

Being myself, ignoring who I am...
labels are important.

 

[deomlez]

Just awaken this morning ,(it s 7 here) after a nighmare about suicide. Not mine.
I would like to never awake.

 

[deomlez]

Bad mood after that. Under the feeling of this nighmare. I won t talk to my psy before september and the last session was in the middle of July. I will travel 4 days for business next week, out of home, i know it will be hard.
Switching from pain to self injuring.
Not spitting. Puking.

 

[deomlez]

On trip again, for 4 days. Going in a nowhereland near a border (wiith a gateway, crossing 2 countries, 3 for back) (digression : going to a SN opportunity country but not able to bring it back by plane... and no time or car to buy it and send it to a mail box). Exactly what I need to stay alone with myself... having my brain, my diary so nothing missing.
i have a bad nighmare about suicide last week, so disturbing that I can stand to look back at it. Even not sure to talk about it to my psy.
SI has a f*** way to kick in.

 

[venin]

It sounds so horrible what you've been through, it's such a cruel existence, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

Can you translate?

 

[deomlez]

Can you translate?

Hmm tu veux la traduction en français ? Copie collle dans deepl... mais sinon il me dit que ce que je traverse semble horrible, qur la vie est cruelle et il me souhaite de trouver la liberté que je recherche.
Mais c est bizarre que tu me demandes ca vu que tu sembles à l aise en anglais...

 

[venin]

Hmm tu veux la traduction en français ? Copie collle dans deepl... mais sinon il me dit que ce que je traverse semble horrible, qur la vie est cruelle et il me souhaite de trouver la liberté que je recherche.
Mais c est bizarre que tu me demandes ca vu que tu sembles à l aise en anglais...

je suis désolé que tu te sentes comme ça

Je veux écrire en français car j'ai besoin d'extérioriser une partie de ce qui m'habite, parce que le sortir est une part du problème.
Je me rends compte, à l'occasion de l'écoute d'un témoignage d'une personne qui a vécu 10 ans avec une belle-mère abusive (pour ceux qui le souhaitent, Transfert, S7 Ep 256), que peut-être ce que j'ai vécu était d'une grande violence pour une enfant ; et que donc je suis légitime à l'exprimer ainsi, et que j'ai droit d'exprimer mes émotions de façon légitime. Au lieu de cacher, de montrer ma force, de ne montrer que la partie positive de moi (mon intelligence, mon habileté dans les relations sociales (quelle blague...), bref ce que les gens veulent voir...
Je hais la notion de famille (et j'ai 3 enfants...), je hais la violence que ça peut générer, je hais ce que j'ai vécu, je hais ma propre personne. La seule issue est vraiment ctb parce que même si je faisais la paix avec ça ne le ferait pas disparaître. Mon choix de ctb est la seule et unique chose qui est profondément moi, de tout mon être, et c'est la seule chose que je peux faire en accord avec moi-même, pour une fois sans tenir compte des autres (qui que ce soit, même mon mari, même mes enfants), pour une fois, être moi-même et faire ce que je veux moi. La seule personne que je veux épargner, parce qu'elle n'est pas assez forte pour supporter ça, c'est ma mère. C'est mon unique condition pour sauter sur le marchepied...
Je suis, au moment où j'écris, comme si j'avais arraché ma peau et que je me tenais là, à vif et dans une souffrance absolue.
Je n'attends rien, je veux juste l'inscrire et le cracher, parce que c'est aussi une façon d'avoir une parole légitime.

c'est bien que tu aies eu le courage de le sortir. câlins

 

[deomlez]

?? Dsl mais j ai du mal à comprendre ton profil ?

On trip again, for 4 days. Going in a nowhereland near a border (wiith a gateway, crossing 2 countries, 3 for back) (digression : going to a SN opportunity country but not able to bring it back by plane... and no time or car to buy it and send it to a mail box). Exactly what I need to stay alone with myself... having my brain, my diary so nothing missing.
i have a bad nighmare about suicide last week, so disturbing that I can stand to look back at it. Even not sure to talk about it to my psy.
SI has a f*** way to kick in.

So i am currently nowhere, in an anonymous hotel, in a sad suburb near the border... in phase with my sad mood. Waiting for the time to eat and go sleep, crying because i am just in front of my real me and i hate what i see.

 

[deomlez]

End of the 4 days abroad, i m flying back home (long trip even though not so far from home, at 9am i have seen 2 countries since this morning, still 2 to come).
It is strange... i met kind people for work and i feel warm to have exchanges with them (i am pretty good to do it and genuinely)... but in the end, it doesn t change anything to my unique wish to ctb... life is so short and so long in the meantime, many effort for so unsiginificant things... why is it so important for people to live ? Why is it so important for other people that I live ?

 

[deomlez]

J aime mon mari. J aime mes enfants. J aime ma petite-fille.
Mais je hais la vie.
Je retombe doucement dans mon infinie tristesse.
Je vis ma vie, je suis en congés actuellement, je glande, je fais des trucs dans ma maison, je planifie de la peinture, de la déco.... mais au fond je ne vois que ce chemin.
J aimerais mourir cette nuit, ne jamais me réveiller, m ahiniler et ne jamais avoir existé.

 

[deomlez]

Je pense tout le temps à ce forum. J ai à la fois envie de venir et je hais ma capacité à venir m épencher ici.
i would like to catch this f**king bus but i have neither ticket nor timetable.

 

[deomlez]

Long time without coming here, but I think to all of you every day. Too much work, too lazy to come and write here. I have listened to many podcasts about incest and SA. Need it but it hurts. Have shared this with my therapist without any final reason about it.
This life is tooooo long. People saying it's brief are kidding. 80 years ? Really ? Erk.

 

[deomlez]

I wish I have a cancer rotting me inside, so I am the same inside my body and inside my brain. Nothing is important and I must do as if it is.
Read a news about a 40 old woman died in Switzerland (assisted suicide) and she said it's magic before dying. I want this.

 

[deomlez]

you are still in my mind. I have a personnel laptop, which is better than my phone to type with 10 fingers and will probably help me to come more often.

Since I'm more myself, I keep on building strong relationships that come to an end. I would say a cruel end. Again, one people who has discovered and loved what I am really is leaving. And it's so particular, deep and emotional that I said we cannot go on anymore to share what we have in common. Just like killing me.
It was one who I can have long discussions about professionnal topics first but just as a pretext to talk about psychology and our (very close) brain set up. Also, he was able to make that (=both this set up and our conversations) as something precious. I'm talking in the past even if he is leaving next Monday.
Even if ctb is for me a philosophy and a deep need, not linked to special events or circumstances, I just would like to jump from a high bridge and make me disappear.
Also, I would like to be able to erase me from everyone mind, included these very special people I'm talking about.

 

[deomlez]

2 weeks he has left... I'm crying blood. The last words I said to him was "we won't talk together anymore" ; he said me "come see me" - he moves to another area I come often to see my daughter ; and I replied "I cannot promise" he said "if I know you come without seeing me..." and I replied "you won't know it".
How can I do that ? just killing me (haha so funny ; as it kills me but inside of me, not really - hélas)
Remembering his pain in his eyes
But now I let him go in his new life, and I stay there, full of emptiness and hating where I am.
I should be able to find inside me the meaning of my life, but inside there are only ruins. So what can I find ?
His legacy tortures me : I cannot deny him and the moral promesses I did, but it's so hard to move forward now...
I wish it would be time for me to ctb. Every day I'm on work, I look at the big getaway we have, and I dream about going upstairs, climbing the barrier, closing my eyes, being myself entirely and jump...