TheGoodGuy
Illuminated
- Aug 27, 2018
- 3,053
I have been tapering off benzoes for some weeks now and for a few days I am now down to 2.5mg Diazepam per day and am scheduled to stop on the 13th and start Sertralin (Zoloft) which is an SSRI that is suppose to help my anxiety.
I told my psychiatrist on the last visit that I drank alcohol 2-3 times a week and she says I would have to stop to continue "treatment" with them so it was planned I had to stop drinking alcohol a few days ago otherwise they would see it as alcohol abuse and then they won´t be able to "treat" me.
Here is the thing I am only alive because I don´t want to ruin my parents lives by ctb and my dad will turn 60 years old in a little over a week so I have to stay alive for that, I have not planned a date to ctb since I feel forced to stay alive till my parents die someday which is unrealistic it could take anywhere from 15-30 years so I obviously will have to ctb before so currently I just hope the Zoloft will help maybe just 15% i.e. make a life a little more barable so I want to continue "treatment" but I am unsure I can stop drinking since it´s the only thing I can look forward to and it´s not even every day it´s as I said 2-3 times a week and it´s not like I am having a blast it just improve my existence by a few percentage, so I will have to lie to my psychiatrist next time unless I stop drinking entirely, I am drinking right now (only at my 2nd beer) but my next meeting with my psychiatrist is the 13th so there are plenty of time to stop still and I am curious to see how much the SSRI will "help" on its own without any other drug interference that is why I am considering stop drinking entirely for a couple months to see how it works.
And also since I am tapering off benzoes it´s properly the best choice not to drink alcohol to better spot if there will be any sideeffects but so far it seems like the tapering works fine even though I drink a few times a week, either way if I keep on drinking I will lie to my shrink since I will try the SSRI not just for anxiety but for depression/apathy too although my shrink doesn´t know I also want to use it for that but her knowledge doesn´t change how the SSRI works on me.
So I am wondering am I stupid for doing this? I feel I have lived a full life since I only view childhood and teenage years as living and adulthood is just existing since there are no more for me to experience in life I don´t desire to have a wife, kids, grandkids, education or a job like the majority do so I might as well be 75 years old feeling I have lived a full life that is also one of the reasons it´s hard to completely stop drinking because there are no recovery in the future only maybe slight improvements to my existence because I have no life I only exist.
I told my psychiatrist on the last visit that I drank alcohol 2-3 times a week and she says I would have to stop to continue "treatment" with them so it was planned I had to stop drinking alcohol a few days ago otherwise they would see it as alcohol abuse and then they won´t be able to "treat" me.
Here is the thing I am only alive because I don´t want to ruin my parents lives by ctb and my dad will turn 60 years old in a little over a week so I have to stay alive for that, I have not planned a date to ctb since I feel forced to stay alive till my parents die someday which is unrealistic it could take anywhere from 15-30 years so I obviously will have to ctb before so currently I just hope the Zoloft will help maybe just 15% i.e. make a life a little more barable so I want to continue "treatment" but I am unsure I can stop drinking since it´s the only thing I can look forward to and it´s not even every day it´s as I said 2-3 times a week and it´s not like I am having a blast it just improve my existence by a few percentage, so I will have to lie to my psychiatrist next time unless I stop drinking entirely, I am drinking right now (only at my 2nd beer) but my next meeting with my psychiatrist is the 13th so there are plenty of time to stop still and I am curious to see how much the SSRI will "help" on its own without any other drug interference that is why I am considering stop drinking entirely for a couple months to see how it works.
And also since I am tapering off benzoes it´s properly the best choice not to drink alcohol to better spot if there will be any sideeffects but so far it seems like the tapering works fine even though I drink a few times a week, either way if I keep on drinking I will lie to my shrink since I will try the SSRI not just for anxiety but for depression/apathy too although my shrink doesn´t know I also want to use it for that but her knowledge doesn´t change how the SSRI works on me.
So I am wondering am I stupid for doing this? I feel I have lived a full life since I only view childhood and teenage years as living and adulthood is just existing since there are no more for me to experience in life I don´t desire to have a wife, kids, grandkids, education or a job like the majority do so I might as well be 75 years old feeling I have lived a full life that is also one of the reasons it´s hard to completely stop drinking because there are no recovery in the future only maybe slight improvements to my existence because I have no life I only exist.
