Jealous Blackheart
A Well Read Demon
- Aug 25, 2023
- 232
Life for me, as I've seen it, is like a night sky: darkness everywhere. At intervals, somewhere in that darkness, there are lights scattered across the sky. I lived for those little lights.
I spent a lot of my childhood thinking of reasons to Be. Reasons to carry on. I found them, and I didn't. I think I gave life a real chance. When I was a preteen I remember being told something along the lines of, "If you have a problem with everything, it's not everything; it's you." I was such an angry child, mad at the world. Mad at everything. And it seemed like everyone else was going about their lives and that line never left me. The anger went away. I didn't feel anything for years after that.
I was always introspective but the level of self reflection that instilled in me was permanent. This post is not the story of my life. Not even a summary. It's not about the dark. It's about the little lights. Over the years the reinforced belief that I was bad, wrong, and did not belong, made me question all the things I believed in. I opened myself to change. I started doing things. Just because.
After failing a few attempts and being hospitalized I spent the rest of my mid and late teens intoxicated. Most people didn't care. The ones that did preferred me drunk. There were no genies at the bottom of those bottles but I sure checked.
Life went on with Apollo in one pocket and Dionysus in the other. I learned instruments and never ordered the same thing twice at a restaurant until I'd tried the entire menu. I completed marathons and went on weekend sex binges. I wrote, learned that love was real, forgave, climbed mountains, watched sunsets. I learned to love the little things. I felt again. Life was beautiful. And it wasn't enough. I never got better. I never stopped wanting to die.
For almost ten years life has been checking items off my bucket list and answering philosophical questions. I do not think there is anything I could go back in time and do, there is no time that I could have tried harder, that would make the Sun rise. It is always going to be night for me. I'm just glad I got to see the stars. I don't regret life. I think I played the hand I was dealt the best that I could. Even if my story was happy, all books have an ending. I'm just ready for mine. I can rest knowing that, short of reproducing, I really did try. It just wasn't in the cards for me.
If there is one thing I could leave behind that I found along the way that I think makes life better, it would be to be with good people in beautiful places. And if there are no good people and if everywhere is ugly, be a good person; make somewhere beautiful.
I spent a lot of my childhood thinking of reasons to Be. Reasons to carry on. I found them, and I didn't. I think I gave life a real chance. When I was a preteen I remember being told something along the lines of, "If you have a problem with everything, it's not everything; it's you." I was such an angry child, mad at the world. Mad at everything. And it seemed like everyone else was going about their lives and that line never left me. The anger went away. I didn't feel anything for years after that.
I was always introspective but the level of self reflection that instilled in me was permanent. This post is not the story of my life. Not even a summary. It's not about the dark. It's about the little lights. Over the years the reinforced belief that I was bad, wrong, and did not belong, made me question all the things I believed in. I opened myself to change. I started doing things. Just because.
After failing a few attempts and being hospitalized I spent the rest of my mid and late teens intoxicated. Most people didn't care. The ones that did preferred me drunk. There were no genies at the bottom of those bottles but I sure checked.
Life went on with Apollo in one pocket and Dionysus in the other. I learned instruments and never ordered the same thing twice at a restaurant until I'd tried the entire menu. I completed marathons and went on weekend sex binges. I wrote, learned that love was real, forgave, climbed mountains, watched sunsets. I learned to love the little things. I felt again. Life was beautiful. And it wasn't enough. I never got better. I never stopped wanting to die.
For almost ten years life has been checking items off my bucket list and answering philosophical questions. I do not think there is anything I could go back in time and do, there is no time that I could have tried harder, that would make the Sun rise. It is always going to be night for me. I'm just glad I got to see the stars. I don't regret life. I think I played the hand I was dealt the best that I could. Even if my story was happy, all books have an ending. I'm just ready for mine. I can rest knowing that, short of reproducing, I really did try. It just wasn't in the cards for me.
If there is one thing I could leave behind that I found along the way that I think makes life better, it would be to be with good people in beautiful places. And if there are no good people and if everywhere is ugly, be a good person; make somewhere beautiful.
