derpyderpins
In the Service of the Queen
- Sep 19, 2023
- 1,900
"You have to want to help yourself."
I can't stand this expression. It's so damn condescending and insensitive to the sufferer. It also contradicts a couple of my foundational principals for understanding depression and suicidality:
I have been wanting to theorycraft recovery, making an outline of my observed method of the process with information and advice along the way. [Of course, I am not fully recovered yet by any means
, so it cannot be a complete guide. I have had progress, though, and it is the early stages that seem to present a lot of trouble.]
I'm stuck on step 1. Or, at least, how to word Step 1. A good guide uses precise and simple language that clearly tells the reader the message without unnecessarily lengthy explanation. So, what could we call Step 1 of recovery? This is not a post where I know what the conclusion will be. I'm writing my thought process and inviting feedback.
I am of the opinion that everyone wants help, and everyone is fine with helping themselves if they can and know how. So then, why don't they even try sometimes? I think it has to do with coping mechanisms. I have written previously about how coping is an important skill, not something to be ashamed of. But, there definitely are unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol.
So I want to talk about two opposite ends of the coping spectrum that lead to this difficulty at Step 1 of recovery. It's important to recall that we cope to deal with a problem, or - put another way - avoid feeling pain beyond what we can take. I have noticed two trends that get people locked in a "coping cage" that actually prohibits recovery, and both involve absolutist, distorted views of the world and self. These coping cages are why even though we naturally want help, and would be fine helping ourselves if capable, we simply cannot help ourselves because of self-imposed restrictions.
Before going into those two trends, I want to just lay out the types of things we may build our coping cage to keep out. Mental pain comes in many forms: fear, envy, disappointment, self-loathing, loss, emptiness, confusion, embarrassment, shame, guilt, rejection, abandonment, isolation. Just to name a few. One may try to avoid abandonment or loss by not having any connections in the first place. One may try to avoid embarrassment and the fear of failure by not trying in the first place. One may try to avoid envy by deflating the value of that which they covet. One may try to avoid rejection by doing the rejecting themselves.
Now, typically these copes can be overcome in time, serving their intended purpose. eg., Say I try to avoid abandonment (due to a history of abandonment) by not having any connections: eventually someone may be able to break through the wall I've built and show me that even though connections come with risks, the benefit is worthwhile. One could argue that this was a successful cope: I dealt with the pain from my past abandonment by limiting my future exposure but eventually found balance once I had successfully come to terms with the past abandonment. Beautiful, right?
But what happens when things get to an extreme situation? Maybe we're dealing with several of the above issues at once, maybe there is an ever-present threat due to an environment (commonly a parent or other guardian who has a quick trigger finger for delivering that mental pain), or maybe we have suffered a lot - for a long time - because we did not have the means or strategy to successfully cope and we've gotten too beaten down to keep fighting until we can get relief. This is when we build our "coping cage." It imprisons us, but guarantees the pain we want to avoid is kept out. [A very important thing to note is that the coping cage itself can cause pain, but so long as it is less than what we fear outside the cage we will stay inside.]
So, these are two common coping cages I see people put themselves in, distorted views of the world that block us from facing pain we cannot handle:
We are at the real Step 1, but I don't want to fall into the trap of making another unhelpful cliche in naming/defining it. I don't want to say something that is jumping to the conclusion rather than the process.
Obviously the goal is to get out of the coping cage, but that's so much easier said than done. [I know this is a bit rambling, but like I said above I'm writing out my whole thought process as it comes to me.]
Ideally, we would "see the world as it is." But goddam that's a big ask! That's like Step 10! Maybe we don't have to actually see the world as it is, but it's enough to accept that the world is not how we see it in some ways. That's getting closer.
I'm really tempted to call it "accept that you are human." Really, category 1 needs to learn to treat themselves as kindly as they would treat others and category 2 needs to learn to self-criticize as much as they would others. That's a little condescending, though.
Maybe Step 1 needs to be even earlier in the process. At the top of this post, my second heuristic was that "if you want to kill yourself, something is wrong." Maybe that's Step 1: "Acknowledge that something is wrong." Maybe that really needs to be its own step in the process, and we can move on from there.
For now, I'll be satisfied with that. Instead of "You need to want to help yourself," I'm going with "you must acknowledge that something is wrong." I'll need to address the issue of helping yourself further down the line, but this post is long enough as it is.
I can't stand this expression. It's so damn condescending and insensitive to the sufferer. It also contradicts a couple of my foundational principals for understanding depression and suicidality:
- People do not naturally want to suffer or hurt.
- Wanting to kill yourself is evidence that something is wrong. (I would normally say that you have a mental health problem, but that's controversial and not important. It could be a mental health problem or a learned behavior problem or an environment problem: the point is that something is wrong.)
I have been wanting to theorycraft recovery, making an outline of my observed method of the process with information and advice along the way. [Of course, I am not fully recovered yet by any means
, so it cannot be a complete guide. I have had progress, though, and it is the early stages that seem to present a lot of trouble.]I'm stuck on step 1. Or, at least, how to word Step 1. A good guide uses precise and simple language that clearly tells the reader the message without unnecessarily lengthy explanation. So, what could we call Step 1 of recovery? This is not a post where I know what the conclusion will be. I'm writing my thought process and inviting feedback.
I am of the opinion that everyone wants help, and everyone is fine with helping themselves if they can and know how. So then, why don't they even try sometimes? I think it has to do with coping mechanisms. I have written previously about how coping is an important skill, not something to be ashamed of. But, there definitely are unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol.
So I want to talk about two opposite ends of the coping spectrum that lead to this difficulty at Step 1 of recovery. It's important to recall that we cope to deal with a problem, or - put another way - avoid feeling pain beyond what we can take. I have noticed two trends that get people locked in a "coping cage" that actually prohibits recovery, and both involve absolutist, distorted views of the world and self. These coping cages are why even though we naturally want help, and would be fine helping ourselves if capable, we simply cannot help ourselves because of self-imposed restrictions.
Before going into those two trends, I want to just lay out the types of things we may build our coping cage to keep out. Mental pain comes in many forms: fear, envy, disappointment, self-loathing, loss, emptiness, confusion, embarrassment, shame, guilt, rejection, abandonment, isolation. Just to name a few. One may try to avoid abandonment or loss by not having any connections in the first place. One may try to avoid embarrassment and the fear of failure by not trying in the first place. One may try to avoid envy by deflating the value of that which they covet. One may try to avoid rejection by doing the rejecting themselves.
Now, typically these copes can be overcome in time, serving their intended purpose. eg., Say I try to avoid abandonment (due to a history of abandonment) by not having any connections: eventually someone may be able to break through the wall I've built and show me that even though connections come with risks, the benefit is worthwhile. One could argue that this was a successful cope: I dealt with the pain from my past abandonment by limiting my future exposure but eventually found balance once I had successfully come to terms with the past abandonment. Beautiful, right?
But what happens when things get to an extreme situation? Maybe we're dealing with several of the above issues at once, maybe there is an ever-present threat due to an environment (commonly a parent or other guardian who has a quick trigger finger for delivering that mental pain), or maybe we have suffered a lot - for a long time - because we did not have the means or strategy to successfully cope and we've gotten too beaten down to keep fighting until we can get relief. This is when we build our "coping cage." It imprisons us, but guarantees the pain we want to avoid is kept out. [A very important thing to note is that the coping cage itself can cause pain, but so long as it is less than what we fear outside the cage we will stay inside.]
So, these are two common coping cages I see people put themselves in, distorted views of the world that block us from facing pain we cannot handle:
- "I am such a piece of shit that I deserve to suffer." If you can get yourself to buy into this, you've knocked out many of our pain sources because you have determined you deserve to suffer those. You deserve to be isolated and abandoned, you deserve to be empty, you should fail, your self-loathing is healthy, you shouldn't even put others through the hassel of rejecting you. Of course, there are several problems here, most glaringly is typically that they are in no way as bad of a person as they claim. Typically they are in that reasonable, normal part of every measurable bell-curve they criticize themselves about. If we want to have a discussion about whether child-murderers deserve to suffer, I could see both sides. But if you are maybe not the nicest all the time and only average looking and have taken a bit more than you have given. . . these aren't qualities of an irredeemable devil. Putting oneself in that category is a distorted thought.
- "There's nothing wrong with me, it's the world that's shit." Opposite end of the spectrum and equally distorted. Nobody is perfect and the world just "is." BUT, if you can convince yourself that everything is awful no matter what, then you don't have to try. Rejection from a shit world is good, right? You shouldn't feel guilt for anything if everyone around you sucks, right? If this world's norms dictate I be ashamed, then I should be proud, right? This is the cage I probably had myself in at one point. It's full of twisted, incompatible beliefs and feelings. Because deep down, you know damn well you aren't that great and the world isn't that bad, and every second you spend in that cage your failures and debts and guilt and weakness is building up, because you aren't moving forward. But enough of my nostalgia. The point is it's another distorted thought.
We are at the real Step 1, but I don't want to fall into the trap of making another unhelpful cliche in naming/defining it. I don't want to say something that is jumping to the conclusion rather than the process.
Obviously the goal is to get out of the coping cage, but that's so much easier said than done. [I know this is a bit rambling, but like I said above I'm writing out my whole thought process as it comes to me.]
Ideally, we would "see the world as it is." But goddam that's a big ask! That's like Step 10! Maybe we don't have to actually see the world as it is, but it's enough to accept that the world is not how we see it in some ways. That's getting closer.
I'm really tempted to call it "accept that you are human." Really, category 1 needs to learn to treat themselves as kindly as they would treat others and category 2 needs to learn to self-criticize as much as they would others. That's a little condescending, though.
Maybe Step 1 needs to be even earlier in the process. At the top of this post, my second heuristic was that "if you want to kill yourself, something is wrong." Maybe that's Step 1: "Acknowledge that something is wrong." Maybe that really needs to be its own step in the process, and we can move on from there.
For now, I'll be satisfied with that. Instead of "You need to want to help yourself," I'm going with "you must acknowledge that something is wrong." I'll need to address the issue of helping yourself further down the line, but this post is long enough as it is.
, by the end I said, "Okay... I see it's use." and now I fail to mock it
I wasn't able to mock it
I kepting saying to myself, "Coping caaage..." 
