Wenzdayaddams
Member
- Jun 1, 2020
- 14
When I first started self harming I did it more to feel something instead of actually wanting to die. From the time I was born my parents would burn me with cigarettes so when I got old enough to do it on my own I did for some reason. It wasn't because it got me off or anything like that, it was more because I thought that I was so useless I would use it as self punishment because that was the punishment I had learned from before. I then started cutting, scraping, and other stuff. Like I said before, not to die, but so punish myself and to feel something. When I was about ten I went into a children's institution for trying to jump in front of cars when I got taken from my mother and step father for the abuse of all kinds. I think that was when I truly felt suicidal for the first time. Being a ten year old little girl I realized I had no control over anything else but I could finally have control of something, even if it was my own death. Other kids thought I was super weird. By the time I was 12 I was considered "the emo girl of the class" not many people liked me. I wasn't violent but the teachers separated me as much as possible so I wouldn't talk about things the other kids didn't understand like my sexual abuse and neglect an self harm. Other Parents would complain to my father and my teacher that I was a bad influence and I caused other kids to ask questions they weren't supposed to worry about yet. I was taken from my father because he and my stepmother were abusive as well, just not as bad as my stepfather and mom. I was then separated from my little siblings. Being the older sister I freaked out because I couldn't protect them anymore. I'm not in contact with any of them. Up until I turned 18 I was in several group homes and mental institutions I was too much of a mess for Foster parents to want. When I turned 18 I became homeless. I went through things that I prefer not to talk about. I am now 20 and the urge to die is still there. It's been the same thoughts since I was 10. I hope to do it for good this time once I find someone that can be by my side and possibly help supply the tools. I've lived alone, my worst fear is to die alone. I had a friend who we were going to use carbon dioxide poisoning in the car with a gasoline powered water pump as a suicide method but she did it without me because she didn't have enough gas in her car to come pick me up. She was an amazing friend I just wish she would have taken me with her. We had been planning it for weeks. One day I'll figure out how to end me once and for all. Until then, I'm here.
