Mauri
Member
- Apr 6, 2023
- 5
Just because I want my active thoughts somewhere while I feel like crap, I will write them here...theres a TLDR at the bottom if anyone does read
Hello, I'm Mike/Mauri as i go with my online name and im 31M and live in the UK. I've been around on site since somepoint in the last 5 years and mainly used it as a place of morbid curiosity I guess, and to teach myself the ins and outs of.. well you can guess and what works and doesnt, spoke to only a very small handful of people here trying to use the support group system and stuff and as much as they are going through their own issues they seemed like very understanding and realistic people, whom I hope are still continuing on their path to recover or to resolve their issues by other means... (CTB)
I, myself at this moment in time am sat in my flat, alone with my 3 adorable cats, wondering why ive failed at like and sabotage myself as I do, for context I have never really been the most fit and well person, being a 3 month early born baby, having pneumonia twice in the space of a year, Meningitus twice leaving me with pernenatly damaged nerves in my left eye, various body parts that are functional just weak, and slight brain damage, to having recent mental exams within the last year to potentially find out im either Bipolar/Tism to then wait and unknown length of time for another assessment within the NHS to confirm this, i just cant handle it...I live with CFS/ME, Long Covid and my mental health is just, in crumbles, been shut in most of this year, can count on my hand times ive been out, but its been like that since covid cos ive had it so many times im scared shitless and I feel like nobody believes me, i struggle to see my friends who have all in the last 5 years stopped messaging less and less or who have lives married with jobs and stuff and its.. I dont wanna disturb them
For the last 11 years ive been on the government's sickness benefits just because of my health being so poor; ive tried to hold multiple jobs, be more like my dad who has worked hard every day of his life since he was like 16 years old, but I just cant manage it, i feel.. without the lack of better term and I dont mean to offend anyone, retarded, I dont know how the world works or what skills I possess other than rotting my life away in my home playing video games and hiding... I dont even enjoy something that interests me the most I just do it to distract my brain otherwise the dark feelings settle in and I just.. I cant keep going
The world worries me, unsure of its jist because we see more because of the openness of the Internet or its just getting worse from military conflicts, politicians being assinated, murders.. I just... I sometimes get so lost in what I do i forget outside exists
Ive had previous terrible non attempts at thinking ill instantly or quickly CTB by drinking bleach when I was 13-18, multiple overdoses on OTC stuff, self harm (my arms are much a mess) to my current but obvious finding out that it wont work Diphenhydramine tablets, about 140... im glad I found resources here and a multitude of others saying NO DONT DO IT and a very good video of what its like to basically trip on them cos.. jesus.. didnt know that would happen.. I mean id probs have a higher chance than others considering I have severe sleep apena and POTS and other stuff so I doubt my body would take it but never mind....
Ive done CBT, ive done crisis team support many times and also a charity org that does a programme to help ypu while waiting for therapy and I just feel like im wasting their time, my anitety is at the point i cant handle loud noises, even sirens of emergency vehicles cos I keep thinking they are gonna take me away for either buying the sleeping pills I have or if someone's done a welfare check on me, idk why, its bizarre, never once been in trouble with the police or a reason to be worried; just, god...
Struggle to care for myself and dont want to ask for help, at rhe heaviest body weight ive ever been at like 280lbs, comfort eating myself into some sort of "i need to feel something" but that something kfc isnt a brain chemicals rush its just to make myself sick... sigh
Relationships for me just dont workout, I have a daughter who ive had to stop seeing for the time being cos my MH is getting so bad its effecting my ability to take her out and do things a normal child her age does (shes closer to being a teen than I often remember) and I dont want her to experience my shit or miss out on experiences because of my own issues, relationships with friends are queit because of the same things, or lovers i just dont want to hurt them or anything, I have avery nice friend whom I do love and she loves me back but I dont wanna hurt her while im feeling so poor.. previous relationships 9ve had issues with being controlled and physical abuse, to the point where idk if im even like capable of doing them, even grey are asexual/romantic is an option that seems to fit me...
I find being here difficult, that i dont fit in or belong, that im just leeching socity arpund me and "living it easy" i guess
Im rambling on..
TLDR, im a potentially untreated autistic Bipolar guy who, doesnt know what hes doing with his time or life and feels guilty for being unwell at parts during his life and currently wants to die but moral compass is somewhat keeping me here and I wsnt to go see my local crisis team and dispose of these pills but im tired of these feelings reducing me to tears panic/anxiety attacks and getting no where... I fear for myself that ill end stuff when I have a strong inner will to not do so.. I.. idk, I also think im here for my three cats cos they really make my day and I think one of my older cats knows when im sad and she lays across my chest and headbutts me to feel loved, shes really great, wish I knew how to post pictures lol
If you made it down here, thank you, I just needed somewhere to type and expect no response sto what is probs nonsense typing and not at all easy to follow along, just.. finding it hard to hang on today...
Thanks again
Hello, I'm Mike/Mauri as i go with my online name and im 31M and live in the UK. I've been around on site since somepoint in the last 5 years and mainly used it as a place of morbid curiosity I guess, and to teach myself the ins and outs of.. well you can guess and what works and doesnt, spoke to only a very small handful of people here trying to use the support group system and stuff and as much as they are going through their own issues they seemed like very understanding and realistic people, whom I hope are still continuing on their path to recover or to resolve their issues by other means... (CTB)
I, myself at this moment in time am sat in my flat, alone with my 3 adorable cats, wondering why ive failed at like and sabotage myself as I do, for context I have never really been the most fit and well person, being a 3 month early born baby, having pneumonia twice in the space of a year, Meningitus twice leaving me with pernenatly damaged nerves in my left eye, various body parts that are functional just weak, and slight brain damage, to having recent mental exams within the last year to potentially find out im either Bipolar/Tism to then wait and unknown length of time for another assessment within the NHS to confirm this, i just cant handle it...I live with CFS/ME, Long Covid and my mental health is just, in crumbles, been shut in most of this year, can count on my hand times ive been out, but its been like that since covid cos ive had it so many times im scared shitless and I feel like nobody believes me, i struggle to see my friends who have all in the last 5 years stopped messaging less and less or who have lives married with jobs and stuff and its.. I dont wanna disturb them
For the last 11 years ive been on the government's sickness benefits just because of my health being so poor; ive tried to hold multiple jobs, be more like my dad who has worked hard every day of his life since he was like 16 years old, but I just cant manage it, i feel.. without the lack of better term and I dont mean to offend anyone, retarded, I dont know how the world works or what skills I possess other than rotting my life away in my home playing video games and hiding... I dont even enjoy something that interests me the most I just do it to distract my brain otherwise the dark feelings settle in and I just.. I cant keep going
The world worries me, unsure of its jist because we see more because of the openness of the Internet or its just getting worse from military conflicts, politicians being assinated, murders.. I just... I sometimes get so lost in what I do i forget outside exists
Ive had previous terrible non attempts at thinking ill instantly or quickly CTB by drinking bleach when I was 13-18, multiple overdoses on OTC stuff, self harm (my arms are much a mess) to my current but obvious finding out that it wont work Diphenhydramine tablets, about 140... im glad I found resources here and a multitude of others saying NO DONT DO IT and a very good video of what its like to basically trip on them cos.. jesus.. didnt know that would happen.. I mean id probs have a higher chance than others considering I have severe sleep apena and POTS and other stuff so I doubt my body would take it but never mind....
Ive done CBT, ive done crisis team support many times and also a charity org that does a programme to help ypu while waiting for therapy and I just feel like im wasting their time, my anitety is at the point i cant handle loud noises, even sirens of emergency vehicles cos I keep thinking they are gonna take me away for either buying the sleeping pills I have or if someone's done a welfare check on me, idk why, its bizarre, never once been in trouble with the police or a reason to be worried; just, god...
Struggle to care for myself and dont want to ask for help, at rhe heaviest body weight ive ever been at like 280lbs, comfort eating myself into some sort of "i need to feel something" but that something kfc isnt a brain chemicals rush its just to make myself sick... sigh
Relationships for me just dont workout, I have a daughter who ive had to stop seeing for the time being cos my MH is getting so bad its effecting my ability to take her out and do things a normal child her age does (shes closer to being a teen than I often remember) and I dont want her to experience my shit or miss out on experiences because of my own issues, relationships with friends are queit because of the same things, or lovers i just dont want to hurt them or anything, I have avery nice friend whom I do love and she loves me back but I dont wanna hurt her while im feeling so poor.. previous relationships 9ve had issues with being controlled and physical abuse, to the point where idk if im even like capable of doing them, even grey are asexual/romantic is an option that seems to fit me...
I find being here difficult, that i dont fit in or belong, that im just leeching socity arpund me and "living it easy" i guess
Im rambling on..
TLDR, im a potentially untreated autistic Bipolar guy who, doesnt know what hes doing with his time or life and feels guilty for being unwell at parts during his life and currently wants to die but moral compass is somewhat keeping me here and I wsnt to go see my local crisis team and dispose of these pills but im tired of these feelings reducing me to tears panic/anxiety attacks and getting no where... I fear for myself that ill end stuff when I have a strong inner will to not do so.. I.. idk, I also think im here for my three cats cos they really make my day and I think one of my older cats knows when im sad and she lays across my chest and headbutts me to feel loved, shes really great, wish I knew how to post pictures lol
If you made it down here, thank you, I just needed somewhere to type and expect no response sto what is probs nonsense typing and not at all easy to follow along, just.. finding it hard to hang on today...
Thanks again
Last edited:
