My life effectively ended 3 years ago. I'd been exposed to so much psychological abuse over the previous 5 years that there was a precipitous, rapid decline in my health and I developed severe ME. A part of me knew it was the end -- my usual tactic of living on constant stress to meet my parent's absurd expectations wasn't going to work anymore. My life changed profoundly after that. I couldn't leave the house anymore. I lost contact with all of my friends, who think I simply disappeared without word. I couldn't use drugs (recreationally, or to treat my cavalcade of mental illnesses) because I became too weak. I slowly lost more and more .. the ability to watch movies, then TV .. to eat most foods, speak on the phone.
My life has almost become a Buddhist exercise in suffering and severe self-abnegation. I have to lie around in near-darkness and ear plugs for nearly the entire day, doing very little aside from browsing my phone. Every single noise, slammed door etc. by my family (and they are loud) can trigger a crash. I can't fight back against their abuse because even the slightest emotional stress can cripple me. I can't have warm showers (only freezing cold), can't masturbate, can't eat anything vaguely enjoyable. I simply have to endure it all. My moods are completely fucked; it's beyond depression, it's like something is tearing at my soul, a literal psychic pain. I dissociate, lose track of reality, time etc. I have very little sense of who I am anymore. My mind, vision, experience all feel clouded in darkness.
The thing that's kept me alive is art. Before I got so sick, I managed to amass a decent portfolio and I still spend as much time/energy as I can working on it. But that isn't going to last forever .. maybe a month or so. I also fell in love with a girl from another country who I speak to online. But I've noticed more and more lately that the ugliest aspects of my personality are starting to take over and I'm scared it's going to jeopardize our relationship, because trying to maintain goodwill or intimacy in this state is almost impossible.
This is the horrible truth I have to keep returning to over and over again, when the clouds of near-psychotic dissociation and mindless online distractions end: that the problem is *me*. The core of me -- mentally, physically -- is completely broken, and nothing in the external world is going to fix that. I feel like Satre's 'flirt' (the woman who never commits to anything) in the sense that I've always felt like I was playing a particular role in the world, and could just stop whenever I felt like that. I keep kind of trying to delude myself that this is a role too; I can just stop being this aggressive, sick person whenever I feel like that. But that isn't going to happen, this is me now. And if I accept that, I have to accept the painful truth that I was completely abandoned by family and society and left to deteriorate to this point.
So, I don't know what happens now. I have a suicide plan, but don't know how I will implement it when some vital part of me still just wants to 'wake up' from this nightmare, knowing that there was (and is, imo) so much worth living for.
My life has almost become a Buddhist exercise in suffering and severe self-abnegation. I have to lie around in near-darkness and ear plugs for nearly the entire day, doing very little aside from browsing my phone. Every single noise, slammed door etc. by my family (and they are loud) can trigger a crash. I can't fight back against their abuse because even the slightest emotional stress can cripple me. I can't have warm showers (only freezing cold), can't masturbate, can't eat anything vaguely enjoyable. I simply have to endure it all. My moods are completely fucked; it's beyond depression, it's like something is tearing at my soul, a literal psychic pain. I dissociate, lose track of reality, time etc. I have very little sense of who I am anymore. My mind, vision, experience all feel clouded in darkness.
The thing that's kept me alive is art. Before I got so sick, I managed to amass a decent portfolio and I still spend as much time/energy as I can working on it. But that isn't going to last forever .. maybe a month or so. I also fell in love with a girl from another country who I speak to online. But I've noticed more and more lately that the ugliest aspects of my personality are starting to take over and I'm scared it's going to jeopardize our relationship, because trying to maintain goodwill or intimacy in this state is almost impossible.
This is the horrible truth I have to keep returning to over and over again, when the clouds of near-psychotic dissociation and mindless online distractions end: that the problem is *me*. The core of me -- mentally, physically -- is completely broken, and nothing in the external world is going to fix that. I feel like Satre's 'flirt' (the woman who never commits to anything) in the sense that I've always felt like I was playing a particular role in the world, and could just stop whenever I felt like that. I keep kind of trying to delude myself that this is a role too; I can just stop being this aggressive, sick person whenever I feel like that. But that isn't going to happen, this is me now. And if I accept that, I have to accept the painful truth that I was completely abandoned by family and society and left to deteriorate to this point.
So, I don't know what happens now. I have a suicide plan, but don't know how I will implement it when some vital part of me still just wants to 'wake up' from this nightmare, knowing that there was (and is, imo) so much worth living for.
