Discussion Suicide or living for the sake of others?

[ElTopo]

My life isn't hell on Earth, I have it better than some people, but it is a very sad and melancholic life, full of trauma, hardships, consctrictions, pain, and most of all loneliness. I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love again, past a certain tipping point I think I've reached some kind of death of the soul from which I can't recover. I don't look forward to anything and nothing gives me peace, joy or fulfillment anymore, but I can fake pretty okay. I don't want to live this life and I pray every night that it ends, but I also don't want others to bear the weight of my suicide. So I always end up asking myself if I should shoulder it until the day I inevitably die.

 

[(in)sane]

The "others" in question are the reason I am where I am. The only reason I'm still here is cause there aren't any accessible and lethal methods & cause there's a small part in me hoping that somehow life does get better after 18 years of suffering one trauma after the other. But if I die I hope it traumatises them back even if just a little.

 

[ElTopo]

The "others" in question are the reason I am where I am. The only reason I'm still here is cause there aren't any accessible and lethal methods & cause there's a small part in me hoping that somehow life does get better after 18 years of suffering one trauma after the other. But if I die I hope it traumatises them back even if just a little.

Sometimes I feel like that too, I feel like some people deserve it, but it's not a definite feeling, I'm torn between the two extremes.

 

[2percent]

'...I think I've reached some kind of death of the soul from which I can't recover. I don't look forward to anything and nothing gives me peace, joy or fulfillment anymore, but I can fake pretty okay.':
-I've been here. Personally, I was able to fake it for 5-6 years with the help of medication. If I'd stayed on the medication I probably could have 'faked' it indefinitely, as I faded backwards into gentle darkness. But one day you may find yourself unable to fake it anymore, and the longer you've neglected yourself or denied yourself the struggle towards peace/joy/fulfilment, the more difficult it will be to come back. Though you may feel that it is impossible to recover, it will never be completely impossible. There will always be a way back. It may just be extremely, extremely, painstakingly difficult, and all the worse for being so out of practice.

' I don't want to live this life and I pray every night that it ends, but I also don't want others to bear the weight of my suicide. So I always end up asking myself if I should shoulder it until the day I inevitably die.':
-You find yourself in good company here. I think a lot of us exist in this limbo, where the forces pushing us towards, and away from, suicide have achieved a grim equilibrium. Some people seek self-destructive behaviours like racing through traffic, drugs, seeking conflict with strangers, etc., as it allows them a proximity with death that also would not be viewed as suicide if it went too far. I can't recommend such behaviours but I can definitely say I understand why they might engage with them. Otherwise, welcome to the 'shoulder it until the day I die' club! :)

To quote a great thinker: