daze
Waiting for a sign
- Nov 11, 2023
- 16
Alright, so i haven't opened this site for close to 2 years now ever since i backed out of my CTB attempt, but recently i felt increasingly more depressed and i missed the understanding that exists in this community. I was rereading some of the threads i replied to, and i just realized that i never really shared or made a post on what made me become attracted to this site. So, consider this as both my attempt of reintregrating back to the community and also to vent out some of the things i never said to anyone :)
So, where to begin? At first, i knew of this site from a youtube video (yeah you know which one). At the time, i just recently failed some of my uni classes, which made me doomspiral about my future and triggered my suicidal thoughts. I wanted to die, and i wanted to know how. There wasn't really much thought to it. I wanted to find answers and i guess the youtube algorhytm just know how to provide.
At first, i don't really care about making an account. I was content to browse through the methods threads as a lurker. I mean, my rationality at the time was that i just want to find a reliable method, and i was going to do it as soon as possible so why bother to make an account?
But as months go by, i was feeling increasingly lonely as my date approaches, as nobody even knew i was going to ctb, and i wanted to vent so i decided might as well you know? Need to get it off my chest somehow. I remember the first time i posted here (which idk, i think i deleted the thread?? Or maybe i hallucinated writing it?? idk its been 2 years), i think it was a vent about how failing my class makes me feel like a failure and i wanted to kill myself over it. I remember someone replied that its a bit hasty to think about killing myself over some failed classes (and with hindsight, i sort of agree so touche there anon) and to actually think it through.
So, yeah, basically i came here during a moment of crash out (which i think, some of you can relate), and in hindsight, the reason i came here was sort of silly when i think more about it.
But daze, why would you crash out that bad over some classes anyway?
To provide context, let me explain that i identify as a lesbian. Which, might not sound that interesting except I am raised in a country where such orientation is not seen kindly and sometimes leads people to be arrested over it.
When i was a kid, i had some notions that i am attracted to women, but at the time i wasnt even aware that there was a word for it. But even then, i knew that it was something to keep to myself. I often wondered why is it that other girls my age can stand to be near boys, and even have crushes on them. I used to have play dates where i asked my friends if we want to "practice kissing" and that no boys are allowed, only for them to go ewww and made me realize that it wasnt exactly the norm to want to kiss your girl friends which made me stop asking.
But because i was a stupid kid, i didnt connect the dots about my identity, and i end up postponing thinking about it because i couldnt be bothered then.
Well, big mistake. What followed was years of internalized homophobia as i was then enrolled to a religious school where i was told that people like me deserved to be killed, stoned, and burned in hell. I internalize that shame and fear, which made me become a shy kid because i was afraid people could somehow tell that i was a lesbian somehow which ended up making me have social anxiety. It didnt help that i was chubby for my age, so self-conciousness make me isolate myself from my peers.
After that, i become suicidal because i felt disgusted by myself and my sexuality. I often opened the quran (yes, i was raised muslim) and read the stories of sodom. At the time, i think i could even tell you the verses where it said how people like me would be tortured in hell but thankfully i blocked out those memories now.
I couldn't exactly tell you what other things happen during those years as my memories are kind of spotty aged 9-14. I sort of suspected i might face sexual harrasment of some kind, because i had vague memories of being groped and frequently wetting myself in public but again, i dont know. I couldnt remember those years and i dont want to revisit those ages anyway.
But all of this is to say, that discovering that i was a lesbian made me feel incredibly hopeless about my future during that time. I didnt see what was the point of living to adulthood as i know i would live a very restricted life due to my sexual orientation. These thoughts often made me depressed, and one thing led to another, i began self harming as a way to cope.
I used to feel so proud of how well i managed to hide my new habit, as i believe not seeking help proves that my depression was "real", and that i wasn't like those other people who faked their illness. However, this thought spirals and i began to think less and less of recovering.
At age 13, i was convinced that i would kill myself before adulthood, and this made me drop any motivation to plan my future. I became uninvolved in my daily life, which made me a bad student as i barely did any study and often sleeps in class. I was kind of stupid anyway, so i thought why bother trying? I would just kill myself, so none of this would matter. I would be a failure and unhappy anyway, so it will be better to kill myself.
Jokes on me, despite multiple attempts, i ended up always backing out of fear.
Before i knew it, the ages where "i would die before of" become higher and higher. It was 16, then it became 18, and now it was 20. Throughout all this, i barely plan my future and i chose to live life passively.
Cause hey, i was always going to die right? So why bother?
In the end, i flunked my hs exams and i end up enrolling in an arts degree that is completely meaningless for this capitalistic society.
But despite this, there are times where i feel super motivated to change that. I would suddenly wake up at night, and researched about ways to change my life. Get this training, lose the weight, change my style, become more productive, i would read and plan and plot on how to make my life better. But then, the motivation fades and i found myself becoming more hopeless as i realize there are too many things i need to change to have a better, happier, life. It seems so much work, and i dont think the effort is worth it because what if it doesnt change anything? So then, i become more depressed and i thought once again of ending it all so i dont have to deal with the burden of making something out of my life. Rinse and repeat.
This is the reason why i crash out so bad over those few failed classes. Because despite my unmotivation, i guess a part of me to want to recover, and the idea of any failure makes me think i will jeopardize my future and i panic about how its impossible to fix which made me want to end it all. I dont want to live but i also dont want my life to get worse. Doomspiralling doesnt help with that. I felt guilty for being a failure and i wanted to ctb because i felt it would be freeing for me and also made me less of a financial burden to my parents. But then i think of how much it took to get me here, and i feel depressed when i thought of the cost. Its too late for me to change my life, and its also too late for me to end it. Sunk cost fallacy, once again.
In my country, it was super easy to obtain the things needed for the SN method, which was why at the time, i was ready to end it. I bought all the ingredients and work on my letters and i met up with friends i havent seen in a long time. I visited the place ive been meaning to go.
I really thought that i would go through with it.
But right before i drink it, SI kicks in and i ended up discarding my SN. I called my friend sobbing and confesses what i almost done.
The morning after, i felt super embarrassed over my attempt and was kicking myself over spilling the beans to my friend. I also could not bring myself to engage with anything that reminds me of the attempt, which is why i didnt read my letters or open this site again.
Now, its been almost 2 years since that attempt, and im still here. Truthfully, i still beat myself up over chickening out. I wish i went through with it because now the timeframe where i can be depressed without consequences is rapidly shrinking. I am set to graduate uni sometime this year (if all goes well) and i would now need to figure out what to do with my future.
I am scared of my future. I really am dumb, and past internships made me realize im unsuited to the corporate life (tldr, i got bullied in my workplace). I need to figure out how to be independent and how to afford to provide for myself, especially since i dont think i could have the stability or privilege of having a relationship and getting married since im a lesbian in a homophobic country. It hurts sometimes to see people who bullied me doing better in life, when im still stuck here doing nothing.
For now, i still dont know what to do with myself. I want to die, but also not. I think any attempts of ctb will have to wait in the future for when im even more worse off than i am now. All i could really do is wait for that time i guess.
Anyway that's my story! My story isnt really anything special but if youre reading this far, thankyou for sticking with me. Its nice to be back. :)
So, where to begin? At first, i knew of this site from a youtube video (yeah you know which one). At the time, i just recently failed some of my uni classes, which made me doomspiral about my future and triggered my suicidal thoughts. I wanted to die, and i wanted to know how. There wasn't really much thought to it. I wanted to find answers and i guess the youtube algorhytm just know how to provide.
At first, i don't really care about making an account. I was content to browse through the methods threads as a lurker. I mean, my rationality at the time was that i just want to find a reliable method, and i was going to do it as soon as possible so why bother to make an account?
But as months go by, i was feeling increasingly lonely as my date approaches, as nobody even knew i was going to ctb, and i wanted to vent so i decided might as well you know? Need to get it off my chest somehow. I remember the first time i posted here (which idk, i think i deleted the thread?? Or maybe i hallucinated writing it?? idk its been 2 years), i think it was a vent about how failing my class makes me feel like a failure and i wanted to kill myself over it. I remember someone replied that its a bit hasty to think about killing myself over some failed classes (and with hindsight, i sort of agree so touche there anon) and to actually think it through.
So, yeah, basically i came here during a moment of crash out (which i think, some of you can relate), and in hindsight, the reason i came here was sort of silly when i think more about it.
But daze, why would you crash out that bad over some classes anyway?
To provide context, let me explain that i identify as a lesbian. Which, might not sound that interesting except I am raised in a country where such orientation is not seen kindly and sometimes leads people to be arrested over it.
When i was a kid, i had some notions that i am attracted to women, but at the time i wasnt even aware that there was a word for it. But even then, i knew that it was something to keep to myself. I often wondered why is it that other girls my age can stand to be near boys, and even have crushes on them. I used to have play dates where i asked my friends if we want to "practice kissing" and that no boys are allowed, only for them to go ewww and made me realize that it wasnt exactly the norm to want to kiss your girl friends which made me stop asking.
But because i was a stupid kid, i didnt connect the dots about my identity, and i end up postponing thinking about it because i couldnt be bothered then.
Well, big mistake. What followed was years of internalized homophobia as i was then enrolled to a religious school where i was told that people like me deserved to be killed, stoned, and burned in hell. I internalize that shame and fear, which made me become a shy kid because i was afraid people could somehow tell that i was a lesbian somehow which ended up making me have social anxiety. It didnt help that i was chubby for my age, so self-conciousness make me isolate myself from my peers.
After that, i become suicidal because i felt disgusted by myself and my sexuality. I often opened the quran (yes, i was raised muslim) and read the stories of sodom. At the time, i think i could even tell you the verses where it said how people like me would be tortured in hell but thankfully i blocked out those memories now.
I couldn't exactly tell you what other things happen during those years as my memories are kind of spotty aged 9-14. I sort of suspected i might face sexual harrasment of some kind, because i had vague memories of being groped and frequently wetting myself in public but again, i dont know. I couldnt remember those years and i dont want to revisit those ages anyway.
But all of this is to say, that discovering that i was a lesbian made me feel incredibly hopeless about my future during that time. I didnt see what was the point of living to adulthood as i know i would live a very restricted life due to my sexual orientation. These thoughts often made me depressed, and one thing led to another, i began self harming as a way to cope.
I used to feel so proud of how well i managed to hide my new habit, as i believe not seeking help proves that my depression was "real", and that i wasn't like those other people who faked their illness. However, this thought spirals and i began to think less and less of recovering.
At age 13, i was convinced that i would kill myself before adulthood, and this made me drop any motivation to plan my future. I became uninvolved in my daily life, which made me a bad student as i barely did any study and often sleeps in class. I was kind of stupid anyway, so i thought why bother trying? I would just kill myself, so none of this would matter. I would be a failure and unhappy anyway, so it will be better to kill myself.
Jokes on me, despite multiple attempts, i ended up always backing out of fear.
Before i knew it, the ages where "i would die before of" become higher and higher. It was 16, then it became 18, and now it was 20. Throughout all this, i barely plan my future and i chose to live life passively.
Cause hey, i was always going to die right? So why bother?
In the end, i flunked my hs exams and i end up enrolling in an arts degree that is completely meaningless for this capitalistic society.
But despite this, there are times where i feel super motivated to change that. I would suddenly wake up at night, and researched about ways to change my life. Get this training, lose the weight, change my style, become more productive, i would read and plan and plot on how to make my life better. But then, the motivation fades and i found myself becoming more hopeless as i realize there are too many things i need to change to have a better, happier, life. It seems so much work, and i dont think the effort is worth it because what if it doesnt change anything? So then, i become more depressed and i thought once again of ending it all so i dont have to deal with the burden of making something out of my life. Rinse and repeat.
This is the reason why i crash out so bad over those few failed classes. Because despite my unmotivation, i guess a part of me to want to recover, and the idea of any failure makes me think i will jeopardize my future and i panic about how its impossible to fix which made me want to end it all. I dont want to live but i also dont want my life to get worse. Doomspiralling doesnt help with that. I felt guilty for being a failure and i wanted to ctb because i felt it would be freeing for me and also made me less of a financial burden to my parents. But then i think of how much it took to get me here, and i feel depressed when i thought of the cost. Its too late for me to change my life, and its also too late for me to end it. Sunk cost fallacy, once again.
In my country, it was super easy to obtain the things needed for the SN method, which was why at the time, i was ready to end it. I bought all the ingredients and work on my letters and i met up with friends i havent seen in a long time. I visited the place ive been meaning to go.
I really thought that i would go through with it.
But right before i drink it, SI kicks in and i ended up discarding my SN. I called my friend sobbing and confesses what i almost done.
The morning after, i felt super embarrassed over my attempt and was kicking myself over spilling the beans to my friend. I also could not bring myself to engage with anything that reminds me of the attempt, which is why i didnt read my letters or open this site again.
Now, its been almost 2 years since that attempt, and im still here. Truthfully, i still beat myself up over chickening out. I wish i went through with it because now the timeframe where i can be depressed without consequences is rapidly shrinking. I am set to graduate uni sometime this year (if all goes well) and i would now need to figure out what to do with my future.
I am scared of my future. I really am dumb, and past internships made me realize im unsuited to the corporate life (tldr, i got bullied in my workplace). I need to figure out how to be independent and how to afford to provide for myself, especially since i dont think i could have the stability or privilege of having a relationship and getting married since im a lesbian in a homophobic country. It hurts sometimes to see people who bullied me doing better in life, when im still stuck here doing nothing.
For now, i still dont know what to do with myself. I want to die, but also not. I think any attempts of ctb will have to wait in the future for when im even more worse off than i am now. All i could really do is wait for that time i guess.
Anyway that's my story! My story isnt really anything special but if youre reading this far, thankyou for sticking with me. Its nice to be back. :)
