Suspect ADHD/AUTISM? Read along

[AnimeSlayersFan]

Heyyyy, I wondered for a long time thinking there was something wrong with me, which caused me a bunch of shitty feelings of self worth and rumiating thoughts.
I was recently diagnosed with Autism, and to my surprise, ADHD.

Today I first tried Modafinil, with mixed results, during the morning like 4 hours, I could do chores! That shit that's usually super hard and tiring for me to do, it just worked!
I noticed how much I struggled to switch from task to task beforehand... Crazy. But hey, it was there!
I could tune out negative sensitivity things more easily too, I couldn't believe the difference between the before and after.
Like, really? Can you tune out stimuli like this? No fucking wonder why I got so overwhelmed by my autism, I thought that I should feel everything and everyone felt things the same way!

Nope, there seems to be some medications that MAYBE help, and they don't have the sexual side effects that antidepressants have, and SHIT, I was about to be prescribed an antidepressant, and I wasn´t! Fuck, that was a huuuge win. I'm both hopeful and angry about how treatment usually treats neurodivergent people like depressed fuckers with no real issue other than "having the blues"

If this continues well for a few days more, I will have more confirmation of this, I had to fight quite a lot and get a bit lucky to get prescribed this, because I didn't even know I had ADHD, like I felt anxious, so I just said "anxious" or "depressed" and basically, what was happening was:

Anxious---> Actually having a 24/7 dialog going on inside your head is not anxiety, but ADHD (at least in my case)
Depressed---> The constant inability to socialize cause you are anxious due to past social mistakes plus being unable to filter your sensory environment makes you actually anxious, and then you can't socialize well, get negative feedback, which you are reaaaaaallly sensitive to, and it gives you a little dent. Repeat for 15+ years (when I was a kid I didn't know wtf was going on)


You start out weird but fine enough
But
You end up like a banged up trash can with learnt helplessness

I just gotta say, that MAYBE if you truly "know yourself" and then get the right meds, MAYBE you can be fine.
I will be updating shortly.
Who knows what the future holds? My rope is always in my closet, but I'm glad I've waited, I don't have a clue about tomorrow, but RIGHT NOW, I'm glad I've waited a bit.

 

[timf]

Navigating life can require skeptical skills applied to the opinions of others (especially medical people). Sharing discoveries with each other can be a useful way to aid in learning successful navigation skills.

 

[soon4good]

You start out weird but fine enough
But
You end up like a banged up trash can with learnt helplessness

I just gotta say, that MAYBE if you truly "know yourself" and then get the right meds, MAYBE you can be fine.
I will be updating shortly.
Who knows what the future holds? My rope is always in my closet, but I'm glad I've waited, I don't have a clue about tomorrow, but RIGHT NOW, I'm glad I've waited a bit.

Yeah man, idk why but I really enjoyed reading this part.
Maybe I'll try not giving up at the first obstacle that I encounter just to see if shit's fucked or salvageable.

 

[fedup1982]

I've been diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, recurrent depressive disorder and psychosis. I'm now early 40s and learned helplessness is real. I struggle to do basic things and am so ashamed of myself and fearful of others I avoid most social contact. If it weren't for my parents and gf I'd be very lonely!

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I've been diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, recurrent depressive disorder and psychosis. I'm now early 40s and learned helplessness is real. I struggle to do basic things and am so ashamed of myself and fearful of others I avoid most social contact. If it weren't for my parents and gf I'd be very lonely!

Oh fucking tell me about it haha, I'm having the shittiest/weirdest week.
I got to try Modafinill at 200mg, first day, first 4 hours I felt amazing, probably euphoria?
Then, next day, saturday, my heart was racing slower, and I just felt unmotivated, forgetful or stupid, I don't know if it is that the adhd meds I was prescribed don't work, that I actually don't have adhd, or if it's something else, idk, my only bit that I have is that I think 24/7 in my head, and in the morning after one of the doses, I felt "okay" talking to people, or even wanting to engage in socializing, but that might've been just like the stimulatory effect plus idk, some turning off of my brain? I felt great, but that like vanished a while later.
It's been 2 days but they feel like 2 weeks, I am feeling a lot of shame for my life and how I lived so far, I'm also a bit scared of medication, but after 2 days of being on this shit that feels like it makes my heart race, and doesn't seem to be improving my "inner mental talk" I went through a ton of ups and downs, and thoughts, about things like, "what if I just have to let go of the expectations of the life I wanted, or take it one day at a time"
I feel disgusted writing that last part. I want to be "cured" NOW. You know, I'm in fucking pain here. and I'm so fucked up that I don't think I can go on without a medication pushing me, I feel I'm too sensitive for this world, or too depressed and asocial, or too ...X thing

I feel broken in a way that I can't function, and I don't even know if this is real, but what's real is that I've been unable to function for a long time and now I'm taking clonazepam every night and I started taking Modafinil in the morning, and I feel it's gonna be bad for my body, and I'm scared and I wanna cry...

All the while people around me say "Oh just do therapy" "Just chill" and I get them, It's been YEARS since I've been like this... I'm scared of never getting fixed and just draaaaaaaag out my suffering, but there's also some hope with it, Idk, I'm playing tug of war inside my own mind and I hate it...
I also have an identity crisis as I grew older and I'm a failure at 25 years old stuck at home while my family supports me but they are also tired of me being like this.
I struggle to get better, and while I have some moments when I'm "fine", I'm mostly, not fine, and Idk man, this feels like hell, I have a few small debts randomly popping up too, one i think is from one of my failed online ventures, and the other one for going to an urologist taking a loan, for him just to tell me my issue is psychosomatic and due to anxiety, and yea, my mom wants to motivate me to move out and shit, and Idk, I feel like I'm a bitch, just feeling bad everyday, unable to do good, unable to function, while at the same time wanting so bad to get cured or get well, I also feel I'm playing catch up and I can't catch up to anyone, and we live in a small town, and now I'm self conscious of all of my weird behaviours due to my mental illness that I'm going through, and I also look uglier than I looked when I got here, I'm older, and still living with my mom, I don't even have my own room, I don't have the ability to get a job right now, and even if I did, the economy is so shit that you can't sustain yourself on 1 job.

So yeah, I feel like crap, my lil personal hell, even masturbating or coping became like not a thing last few days/weeks
I thought I was gonna get diagnosed, that the diagnosis was going to be accurate, cause now I don't even fucking know if I have autism and adhd or not or what the fuck is wrong with me, and I don't know what cognitive blunting is due to the clonazepam im currently taking or mine or whatever the fuck.

I'm also slowly losing my own compass where it came to issues such as digital privacy, it's like a slow defeat for me, there's like a million different battles, and I can't fix what's wrong with the world, but I'm also not that evil to just be a bastard without any gilt, nor am I pure hearted enough to be like fucking gandhi, I want a comfortable life, idk what I want to be honest. I want to feel good. Not like I want to rip my skin off of my bones.
And worse, they tell me to go do "activities" like that's gonna fix me, and I know that If I go to activities I will be in a shit mood and ruin everything, I'm sure some people already know in the town how unstable I am, I mean, they must know, from all the unstable shit I've done over time. I also don't know how much they don't or don't know about me. But yea, I feel I'm ruining everything and gonna end up in the mental ward again. In a way it would be a relief, grab an axe and cut one of my fingers off, so they put me there and I can blame it all on mental illness and give up.

It's the day to day struggle that's a lot more painful.
Why man, I hate this uncertainty. Waiting to find out if I get better or not, while life passes my by. I guess I will now go take my clonazepam and go to sleep and then take my Modafinil, tomorrow seems like it's gonna be a terrible day, but as I only took my "adhd" med for 2 days, and my mom and psychiatrist are tired of me, I can't just message, it would be "inconvenient", so I just have to drug myself like a good lab rat and not make to big of a mess, then, when I actually can't take it anymore, I can message. Also, medicating myself for adhd was kinda my idea, so they will probably get mad at ME for all this.

I am the husk of a man. Nothing inside but the putrid, boiling and jumbled up mess of emotions and trauma. I feel I'm gonna end up losing my mind.

 

[fedup1982]

Oh fucking tell me about it haha, I'm having the shittiest/weirdest week.
I got to try Modafinill at 200mg, first day, first 4 hours I felt amazing, probably euphoria?
Then, next day, saturday, my heart was racing slower, and I just felt unmotivated, forgetful or stupid, I don't know if it is that the adhd meds I was prescribed don't work, that I actually don't have adhd, or if it's something else, idk, my only bit that I have is that I think 24/7 in my head, and in the morning after one of the doses, I felt "okay" talking to people, or even wanting to engage in socializing, but that might've been just like the stimulatory effect plus idk, some turning off of my brain? I felt great, but that like vanished a while later.
It's been 2 days but they feel like 2 weeks, I am feeling a lot of shame for my life and how I lived so far, I'm also a bit scared of medication, but after 2 days of being on this shit that feels like it makes my heart race, and doesn't seem to be improving my "inner mental talk" I went through a ton of ups and downs, and thoughts, about things like, "what if I just have to let go of the expectations of the life I wanted, or take it one day at a time"
I feel disgusted writing that last part. I want to be "cured" NOW. You know, I'm in fucking pain here. and I'm so fucked up that I don't think I can go on without a medication pushing me, I feel I'm too sensitive for this world, or too depressed and asocial, or too ...X thing

I feel broken in a way that I can't function, and I don't even know if this is real, but what's real is that I've been unable to function for a long time and now I'm taking clonazepam every night and I started taking Modafinil in the morning, and I feel it's gonna be bad for my body, and I'm scared and I wanna cry...

All the while people around me say "Oh just do therapy" "Just chill" and I get them, It's been YEARS since I've been like this... I'm scared of never getting fixed and just draaaaaaaag out my suffering, but there's also some hope with it, Idk, I'm playing tug of war inside my own mind and I hate it...
I also have an identity crisis as I grew older and I'm a failure at 25 years old stuck at home while my family supports me but they are also tired of me being like this.
I struggle to get better, and while I have some moments when I'm "fine", I'm mostly, not fine, and Idk man, this feels like hell, I have a few small debts randomly popping up too, one i think is from one of my failed online ventures, and the other one for going to an urologist taking a loan, for him just to tell me my issue is psychosomatic and due to anxiety, and yea, my mom wants to motivate me to move out and shit, and Idk, I feel like I'm a bitch, just feeling bad everyday, unable to do good, unable to function, while at the same time wanting so bad to get cured or get well, I also feel I'm playing catch up and I can't catch up to anyone, and we live in a small town, and now I'm self conscious of all of my weird behaviours due to my mental illness that I'm going through, and I also look uglier than I looked when I got here, I'm older, and still living with my mom, I don't even have my own room, I don't have the ability to get a job right now, and even if I did, the economy is so shit that you can't sustain yourself on 1 job.

So yeah, I feel like crap, my lil personal hell, even masturbating or coping became like not a thing last few days/weeks
I thought I was gonna get diagnosed, that the diagnosis was going to be accurate, cause now I don't even fucking know if I have autism and adhd or not or what the fuck is wrong with me, and I don't know what cognitive blunting is due to the clonazepam im currently taking or mine or whatever the fuck.

I'm also slowly losing my own compass where it came to issues such as digital privacy, it's like a slow defeat for me, there's like a million different battles, and I can't fix what's wrong with the world, but I'm also not that evil to just be a bastard without any gilt, nor am I pure hearted enough to be like fucking gandhi, I want a comfortable life, idk what I want to be honest. I want to feel good. Not like I want to rip my skin off of my bones.
And worse, they tell me to go do "activities" like that's gonna fix me, and I know that If I go to activities I will be in a shit mood and ruin everything, I'm sure some people already know in the town how unstable I am, I mean, they must know, from all the unstable shit I've done over time. I also don't know how much they don't or don't know about me. But yea, I feel I'm ruining everything and gonna end up in the mental ward again. In a way it would be a relief, grab an axe and cut one of my fingers off, so they put me there and I can blame it all on mental illness and give up.

It's the day to day struggle that's a lot more painful.
Why man, I hate this uncertainty. Waiting to find out if I get better or not, while life passes my by. I guess I will now go take my clonazepam and go to sleep and then take my Modafinil, tomorrow seems like it's gonna be a terrible day, but as I only took my "adhd" med for 2 days, and my mom and psychiatrist are tired of me, I can't just message, it would be "inconvenient", so I just have to drug myself like a good lab rat and not make to big of a mess, then, when I actually can't take it anymore, I can message. Also, medicating myself for adhd was kinda my idea, so they will probably get mad at ME for all this.

I am the husk of a man. Nothing inside but the putrid, boiling and jumbled up mess of emotions and trauma. I feel I'm gonna end up losing my mind.

Im sorry to hear about all that. I hope you don't lose hope. There's always hope, as long as you can weather the storm somehow until you're in the right frame of mind to take a different approach. If you think hospitalisation might help, and you have that option, go for it. It's why it's there. Try to stay confident, you're only 25, you have all the time in the world :) take it easy, and don't give up, but take a rest of you need it. You have some difficult decisions ahead of you, and the trick is knowing when to push yourself Vs when to relax and take things easy one at a time. You have your whole life ahead of you and have so many options

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

Im sorry to hear about all that. I hope you don't lose hope. There's always hope, as long as you can weather the storm somehow until you're in the right frame of mind to take a different approach. If you think hospitalisation might help, and you have that option, go for it. It's why it's there. Try to stay confident, you're only 25, you have all the time in the world :) take it easy, and don't give up, but take a rest of you need it. You have some difficult decisions ahead of you, and the trick is knowing when to push yourself Vs when to relax and take things easy one at a time. You have your whole life ahead of you and have so many options

I feel I'm just getting tired and accepting a bit more things, like mellowed out, I feel bad, because I feel like the main character of 1984, losing myself into this system, but the pills and mental torture I'm giving to them myself. Then, I guess Viktor Frankl is the other side of this:, the last of human freedoms, is to choose one's attitude in any set of circumstances.

I felt a bittersweet feeling opening a few tabs to look for the quote and be bombarded with a ton of websites asking for cookies and privacy destroying lil nice things.

But hey, I guess I'm no hero, and I can control way less than I th, in a ought I could, I also drew a rat today, I like rats, I could feel the perfectionism and anger while I drew, the self doubt, the internalized shame of not being perfect and to do a perfect drawing in order to feel "good about", fear of someone seeing it and judging it, but kinda internalized. A drawing is a drawing, and I have big issues just letting go and doing it in a "perfect way".

I'm now anticipating a ton of things, I think it's this anxiety and fear, It's rough. But as I feel weaker (I feel more mellow and might be losing weight due to this med, and it gets my heartbeat up.) I feel I'm finally letting go a bit. And it hurts, a TON, it's like a feeling of nausea in my stomach, like mourning.

I guess it's a part that I need of me to die? That I can't control most things, and I have to accept that, dictatorship/autoritharian regime or not.

I now feel more empty. I guess the brainwashing is working on me? I felt a lot more willing to fight and struggle beforehand, and now, I feel like I'm giving up and accepting shit as it is more, idk, it sucks. It feels really bad. It feels that I'm losing this battle in this wicked worlld, but I don't think I have the strength to do anything else. I feel like this is the way to become a "good citizen", a "puppet".

Idk man... I'm afraid of the times to come by, and deeply frustrated by my lack of control, while I'm also not motivated enough to go "save the world" from this shit.

Also, I know that after that stepping stone, the degree in which I accept this,I will have a ton of other problems to solve, this BIG problem is protecting me from alllll the other issues that I have, like a rug over trash.

So hey, idk man, life. I can't say I feel "good". It's like mourning.

 

[fedup1982]

I feel I'm just getting tired and accepting a bit more things, like mellowed out, I feel bad, because I feel like the main character of 1984, losing myself into this system, but the pills and mental torture I'm giving to them myself. Then, I guess Viktor Frankl is the other side of this:, the last of human freedoms, is to choose one's attitude in any set of circumstances.

I felt a bittersweet feeling opening a few tabs to look for the quote and be bombarded with a ton of websites asking for cookies and privacy destroying lil nice things.

But hey, I guess I'm no hero, and I can control way less than I th, in a ought I could, I also drew a rat today, I like rats, I could feel the perfectionism and anger while I drew, the self doubt, the internalized shame of not being perfect and to do a perfect drawing in order to feel "good about", fear of someone seeing it and judging it, but kinda internalized. A drawing is a drawing, and I have big issues just letting go and doing it in a "perfect way".

I'm now anticipating a ton of things, I think it's this anxiety and fear, It's rough. But as I feel weaker (I feel more mellow and might be losing weight due to this med, and it gets my heartbeat up.) I feel I'm finally letting go a bit. And it hurts, a TON, it's like a feeling of nausea in my stomach, like mourning.

I guess it's a part that I need of me to die? That I can't control most things, and I have to accept that, dictatorship/autoritharian regime or not.

I now feel more empty. I guess the brainwashing is working on me? I felt a lot more willing to fight and struggle beforehand, and now, I feel like I'm giving up and accepting shit as it is more, idk, it sucks. It feels really bad. It feels that I'm losing this battle in this wicked worlld, but I don't think I have the strength to do anything else. I feel like this is the way to become a "good citizen", a "puppet".

Idk man... I'm afraid of the times to come by, and deeply frustrated by my lack of control, while I'm also not motivated enough to go "save the world" from this shit.

Also, I know that after that stepping stone, the degree in which I accept this,I will have a ton of other problems to solve, this BIG problem is protecting me from alllll the other issues that I have, like a rug over trash.

So hey, idk man, life. I can't say I feel "good". It's like mourning.

That really resonates with me. We really do seem to be heading into 1984 territory in ways. I'm letting go and embracing, but for what? To what end? The future could hold me worst fears or my best hopes. And I'm stuck, paralysed, dependent on too much and too many people but isn't that just part of being human? Am I brave enough to be a human being?