Venting The 5 year anniversary of my first depressive episode just passed

[amerie]

In late June 2020, I experienced my first depressive episode when I was 13 or 14.

I mean, I had felt suicidal for the first time when I was 9 because I was getting bullied but it was more of a rage and sadness and just wanting it to all end, something that could be solved by watching my favorite show or just eating a snack or some shit. I also had a large amount of childhood trauma, but I guess I suppressed it really well and I didn't really mope over anything. But this was entirely different.

I experienced a massive wave of online harassment because of an amino post that came out wrong (and in general being surrounded by edgelords and my neurodivergentness shining through too hard.) I deleted the app in the hopes of getting over it but it, didn't. I spent the next 3 weeks laying in bed with my door locked just feeling numb and I had this strong urge to kill myself. It faded quickly and things went back to normal, almost.

From then on, it's gotten worse every single year. The numb feeling hasn't really left me and I fear that this is just how life will feel until I eventually CTB. I'll forever mourn the person I was before I experienced this. I don't know if I'll ever recover.

 

[Jadeith]

On a tad brighter side - despite all of those adversities, you decided to stay and were able to stand by that decision for 5 years. Some decent willpower you got there. Congrats.

 

[amerie]

On a tad brighter side - despite all of those adversities, you decided to stay and were able to stand by that decision for 5 years. Some decent willpower you got there. Congrats.

I'm not someone to admire. The only thing that's stopping me is because SN is hard to source and the complications from a failed attempt will cause more harm than good. I don't enjoy living, I'm too sensitive, and I find a lot of aspects of life overstimulating and challenging to deal with.

 

[Pluto]

 

[sambrosia]

Sorry that happened to you (the harassment). I also was depressed from a young age due to bullying and shitty childhood but stuffed my feelings; until college, when I had my first significant depressive episode. Like you, the feelings haven't really left me in the years since then. Don't know what to do at this point. I do miss the days when I could stuff it/dissociate and be otherwise functional. Can't do that anymore and it's messing up my whole life.

 

[Jadeith]

I'm not someone to admire.

You might not see yourself like that but still, i find your continuous presence an achievement. Especially because:

I don't enjoy living, I'm too sensitive, and I find a lot of aspects of life overstimulating and challenging to deal with.