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Bulletwbttrflywings

Bulletwbttrflywings

My soul is awakened... and I’m f*cked
May 29, 2019
244
So I'm real life, I'm the picture of positivity. Always encouraging, seeing the bright side, laughing... but I am alone. I've come clean to a handful of people and they just... don't get it.

In my prior attempts, those people are now no longer in my life. Which is a running theme in my life... people come and go. I've moved so many times in my life that I don't have those long lasting relationships. I don't consider myself close to anyone, just to my dog.

I've learned to portray happiness and be but deep down I know that when/if my bus comes, everyone will be blindsided... or what I refer to as "The Robin Williams Affect."

Sure people will care, but ultimately, they were never there.

Anyone else struggle with this complex?
 
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Faraway1990

Faraway1990

Student
Jun 2, 2019
195
I could have wrote this post myself! Exception being I no longer have a dog :( had to re home las one when I had a breakdown in 2016 and never got on my feet enough to get another dog in good conscience. Only one person I know probably won't be too shocked but in generally the same irl mostly genuine positive etc I have just decided it's time to CTB soon.
 
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Bulletwbttrflywings

Bulletwbttrflywings

My soul is awakened... and I’m f*cked
May 29, 2019
244
I could have wrote this post myself! Exception being I no longer have a dog :( had to re home las one when I had a breakdown in 2016 and never got on my feet enough to get another dog in good conscience. Only one person I know probably won't be too shocked but in generally the same irl mostly genuine positive etc I have just decided it's time to CBT soon.
Hugs... you are not alone.
 
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Ashpac

Ashpac

Lost and always will be.
Jul 22, 2018
795
Ive pushed everyone away and people have pushed me away. Ive learned people always leave in the end.
Im not close to anyone except my family and even then I am distant with them.
For all the acting ive done, i deserve an oscar for pretending im okay everyday. It just wears you out.
 
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Faraway1990

Faraway1990

Student
Jun 2, 2019
195
Ive pushed everyone away and people have pushed me away. Ive learned people always leave in the end.
Im not close to anyone except my family and even then I am distant with them.
For all the acting ive done, i deserve an oscar for pretending im okay everyday. It just wears you out.
As I grow closer (speaking weeks) to my CTB timeline the acting I have to do should be Oscar nominated too lol tiring, not in my attitude mostly when it comes to conversations of the future etc I feel I have to be super careful as I don't want any interference. This place helps me keep from making an attempt sooner.
 
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Kikoo Loool

Kikoo Loool

Enlightened
Feb 25, 2019
1,128
Eccedentesiast?
 
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D

Darkmornings

Member
Jun 4, 2019
34
No one will care when I ctb. No one will notice I'm gone except my employer. Everyone I know has ghosted and I have a hard time making friends. I've just lost faith in people and choose to stay to myself. Outside of that I'm sure I appear absolutely normal. I have a nice disposition. I'm always smiling, very polite. I basically wear a mask and lie to keep people at bay. I fit in for the most part and people will probably be shocked if they find out I committed suicide. I wish I could keep it a secret somehow.
 
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Bulletwbttrflywings

Bulletwbttrflywings

My soul is awakened... and I’m f*cked
May 29, 2019
244
Ive pushed everyone away and people have pushed me away. Ive learned people always leave in the end.
Im not close to anyone except my family and even then I am distant with them.
For all the acting ive done, i deserve an oscar for pretending im okay everyday. It just wears you out.
Agreed. I'm just so tired...
No one will care when I ctb. No one will notice I'm gone except my employer. Everyone I know has ghosted and I have a hard time making friends. I've just lost faith in people and choose to stay to myself. Outside of that I'm sure I appear absolutely normal. I have a nice disposition. I'm always smiling, very polite. I basically wear a mask and lie to keep people at bay. I fit in for the most part and people will probably be shocked if they find out I committed suicide. I wish I could keep it a secret somehow.
Same... I don't want to have people feeling bad or even my kids to know and be tortured their lives. I wish my eating disorder would take me first... at least there would be a viable reason for them
No one will care when I ctb. No one will notice I'm gone except my employer. Everyone I know has ghosted and I have a hard time making friends. I've just lost faith in people and choose to stay to myself. Outside of that I'm sure I appear absolutely normal. I have a nice disposition. I'm always smiling, very polite. I basically wear a mask and lie to keep people at bay. I fit in for the most part and people will probably be shocked if they find out I committed suicide. I wish I could keep it a secret somehow.
Hugs, btw. You would be missed here
 
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