retVarii
So desperate... so lost.
- Aug 21, 2024
- 15
Here is a story about how I foolishly lost, sought and ultimately regained my access to SN.
Three countries are relevant here: country A, where I live, country B, where my family considers moving and where my sister studies, and Spain, where I usually go for summer vacation. (My family's intention was to move to country B after the vacation to continue my education as well.) Getting sodium nitrite in country A was very easy: local marketplaces sell it relatively freely. So I got my SN and a testing kit in the middle of April 2024.
Now this is where my stupidity kicks in: I decided that I should CTB not in country A, but in Spain during my vacation. You see, for many years, our apartment in Spain is the only thing that reassured me. It was the place that gave me some semblance of living, even if I had to be stuck with my mother. (We sometimes went there with some friends though.) I even used to see that place in my dreams. But two years prior we sold it and bought a new apartment. (A decision I terribly, TERRIBLY regret allowing, I'm now heartbroken...) And I thought that maybe if we had a chance to visit our old flat, I could do the deed there, as my last visit...
Because of all this, I kept my SN in my room since April. I thought I would simply bring it with me, but I never actually thought it through.
In the process, two problems completely demolished this plan. Firstly, I was too scared to bring SN on an airplane after all (curse my procrastination addiction…), so I left it home, hoping I would get a new package in Spain. Little did my careless self know, it would be a lot harder. Maybe I could simply ask for a source on this site, but I just didn't bother to ask until the end of the vacation, when it was too late. Secondly, we never visited the old flat. I have no clue what I was hoping for...
In the end, I didn't find a source there, and I had to leave for country B, totally SN-less. I found a source that I would check if we moved to country B permanently, but then the irony kicked in. For private purposes, we couldn't continue education in country B, and so my mother and I went back to country A. And just like that, I reunited with my SN. Not in my sentimental vacation flat, but back home. I know all of this sounds rather silly, but really, my whole life is like this. Procrastination – failure – rumination – sorta success with a stretch. I guess I just have to accept that I won't have reassuring last moments that I wished for – no, I will have to die in this house, in the ill-fated country A, in an environment that brings me despair and suffering.
My mother says that under certain circumstances we might buy a new apartment in the same building in the future, but at this point my patience is over. I simply can't take being given false hopes anymore. I have now decided to bury my dreams to CTB in Spain & take the first opportunity to CTB right here. In that case, I'll have to wait until my mother moves to country B for whatever reason. I am too scared to do anything suspicious in her presence. I just hope that sodium nitrite can be stored for longer than 5 months.
I'm exhausted.
Three countries are relevant here: country A, where I live, country B, where my family considers moving and where my sister studies, and Spain, where I usually go for summer vacation. (My family's intention was to move to country B after the vacation to continue my education as well.) Getting sodium nitrite in country A was very easy: local marketplaces sell it relatively freely. So I got my SN and a testing kit in the middle of April 2024.
Now this is where my stupidity kicks in: I decided that I should CTB not in country A, but in Spain during my vacation. You see, for many years, our apartment in Spain is the only thing that reassured me. It was the place that gave me some semblance of living, even if I had to be stuck with my mother. (We sometimes went there with some friends though.) I even used to see that place in my dreams. But two years prior we sold it and bought a new apartment. (A decision I terribly, TERRIBLY regret allowing, I'm now heartbroken...) And I thought that maybe if we had a chance to visit our old flat, I could do the deed there, as my last visit...
Because of all this, I kept my SN in my room since April. I thought I would simply bring it with me, but I never actually thought it through.
In the process, two problems completely demolished this plan. Firstly, I was too scared to bring SN on an airplane after all (curse my procrastination addiction…), so I left it home, hoping I would get a new package in Spain. Little did my careless self know, it would be a lot harder. Maybe I could simply ask for a source on this site, but I just didn't bother to ask until the end of the vacation, when it was too late. Secondly, we never visited the old flat. I have no clue what I was hoping for...
In the end, I didn't find a source there, and I had to leave for country B, totally SN-less. I found a source that I would check if we moved to country B permanently, but then the irony kicked in. For private purposes, we couldn't continue education in country B, and so my mother and I went back to country A. And just like that, I reunited with my SN. Not in my sentimental vacation flat, but back home. I know all of this sounds rather silly, but really, my whole life is like this. Procrastination – failure – rumination – sorta success with a stretch. I guess I just have to accept that I won't have reassuring last moments that I wished for – no, I will have to die in this house, in the ill-fated country A, in an environment that brings me despair and suffering.
My mother says that under certain circumstances we might buy a new apartment in the same building in the future, but at this point my patience is over. I simply can't take being given false hopes anymore. I have now decided to bury my dreams to CTB in Spain & take the first opportunity to CTB right here. In that case, I'll have to wait until my mother moves to country B for whatever reason. I am too scared to do anything suspicious in her presence. I just hope that sodium nitrite can be stored for longer than 5 months.
I'm exhausted.
