Story The story of Samael

[Samael96]

I'm here today to tell you my story.

My name is Alex and I'm a 24y.o. boy from Italy that has been hit by a serious illness 2 years ago. I've had multiple surgeries that unfortunately didn't solve the problem; at the current state I am kinda disabled since i have been locked inside my house for this last 2 years, i can't go back to work, stay outside for too long and live my life. Can't even play videogames anymore *sigh*, and i was so damn good at fps ones. I have been struggling to find a damn cure all this time, i spent so much money it's insane.. but still nothing.

Honestly i can't see the light at the end, i lost all hope that there is a method or a cure to save my life. And of course I've been having suicidal thoughts since this happened to me, and they grew stronger and stronger.. and then on Dicember 2020 i had enough of it: I mixed many psychotropic drugs with alcohol before going to bed. My plan was perfect, my parents both were leaving in the morning for work and the effects i was gaining were deep sleep into coma while manifesting respiratory depression into death. But something went wrong, my dad took the day off unexpectedly, found me like 1 or 2 hours before the death sentence, called the ambulance and well they unfortunately managed to save me.

After that, I spent almost 2 weeks in a mental clinic, and got released. Those days were so painful that i wanted to die even more.. closed in a cage with no freedom and fresh air.

Months went by, and i kept on suffering day after day. I just wanted to stop this pain and thinking on how i could be kind to my parents of course i told them to just let me die cause i can't be cured etc.. they immediatly called the doc and threatened to close me again in the clinic.

So my mind evolved, i grew up and realized how i was alone and nobody could actually help me. I cut ties with my parents, so now i live in the same house but i don't talk to them and they are legit dead to me. And i feel better not having them anymore in my life. I hate people that try to restrict my freedom.

Sadly my illness would not be accepted by Exit so yeah.. no way i can die with euthanasia.

So some days ago i ordered 500gr of Sodium Nitrate. I have still some Doctors to hear out and see if they have a solution, even my sister is asking in another country where she lives in, nevertheless i will have my plan B already delivered.

I already once convinced my body and myself to act to die, so now i will have to do it a second time. It's not easy cause it's not like i want to die, i really want to live but i don't want to live like this you know? I don't want to survive. Surviving isn't living. So yeah, i'm getting ready to use the SN, even tho i'd love to die even today by the hands of someone cause that would be easier.. i have to thank a stranger that told me about SN like a painless suicide option.

It really is sad thinking on how my life was going pretty ok until my 21, and then BOOM. Got ill and everything went downhill and my life ended. I always supported suicides cause to me those are the biggest acts of courage since it's not easy at all to kill yourself, and they require extreme "pain" and resolve. I even tried to cut my throat and die from blood loss but i just couldn't.. afraid of pain i guess?

And don't get me wrong i am afraid of death, i even start to shiver everytime i am close to do it or i even read all the people that in here managed to do it writing down their last messages.. but i'm more afraid of living like a disabled, in pain everyday.

Dying is just a consequence of not wanting to live like shit anymore.

Hopefully i will be able to do it when the time comes.

 

[Rayzieka]

Thanks for sharing your story, I'm sorry this happened to you- I can relate on a level.
I hope you find the most peaceful exit if this is what you must do. But before you do I hope you can find some entertainment and support here.

 

[SuicideRun]

I understand you and I am close to you with all my heart. I am also Italian.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can so be cruel to us, there is no limit as to how bad it can get, it must have been hard going through all that. Our own bodies can cause us to suffer so much and I know how that feels. I wish you the best.

 

[not4us]

So some days ago i ordered 500gr of Sodium Nitrate.

You need Nitrite not Nitrate.

 

[noname223]

I truly understand your pain. Life is so cynical and unfair. I am desperate too and I don't see hope. I miss the old time when I did not thought about suicide every single day. And the situation becomes even worse. I hope I find the strength too to end it when my time has come.

 

[Samael96]

You need Nitrite not Nitrate.

Yes i know, i mispelled it my bad. Bought 98% pure Sodium Nitrite

 

[S like Siren]

I'm very sorry for what happened to you.It's terrible and i understand you...especially the part where you don't talk to your family.I'm italian too

 

[S like Siren]

sorry can I ask you a question? What medications did you take along with alcohol during your suicide attempt? Would they really lead to your death? Maybe you would be in a coma for a few days ... I say this because it is really unlikely to die like this, many here have overdosed on psychiatric drugs but no one has ever died unfortunately. Maybe it was morphine?

 

[Samael96]

sorry can I ask you a question? What medications did you take along with alcohol during your suicide attempt? Would they really lead to your death? Maybe you would be in a coma for a few days ... I say this because it is really unlikely to die like this, many here have overdosed on psychiatric drugs but no one has ever died unfortunately. Maybe it was morphine?

Red wine + Bromazepan x 2 + Laroxyl x 2 + Sertralina (i can't remember if it was x 2) + Lioresal x 2. It would have been certain death, i studied a lot those effects: basically all of them on overdose induce coma but the most important is Laroxyl that if overdosed leads to respiratory depression that if active during coma is lethal.
I was in coma 2 days and the reason i survived was because they kept me on the breathing machine and wasn't even sure i would wake up actually since the doctors said to my parents, when they asked if i would, "we don't know if he will ever wake up".

Imagine studying like a mad man and buying meds on different months to make the perfect suicide and getting ruined cause of bad luck.
BigYikes

 

[S like Siren]

Red wine + Bromazepan x 2 + Laroxyl x 2 + Sertralina (i can't remember if it was x 2) + Lioresal x 2. It would have been certain death, i studied a lot those effects: basically all of them on overdose induce coma but the most important is Laroxyl that if overdosed leads to respiratory depression that if active during coma is lethal.
I was in coma 2 days and the reason i survived was because they kept me on the breathing machine and wasn't even sure i would wake up actually since the doctors said to my parents, when they asked if i would, "we don't know if he will ever wake up".

Imagine studying like a mad man and buying meds on different months to make the perfect suicide and getting ruined cause of bad luck.
BigYikes

Is very strange because they are antidepressants and benzodiazepines.Many here have done the same thing as you, including a friend of mine and also I was thinking seriously about it but none of them died, they were in a coma for a few days but they were not in danger of death. In fact, this method is considered the most unsuccessful of all.
Did your psychiatrist prescribe them for you? How did you find these psychiatric drugs sorry? It means that you were already being treated for mental illness before your attempt...i'm sorry if i ask you...
And I'm sorry you went through all of this.

 

[Samael96]

Is very strange because they are antidepressants and benzodiazepines.Many here have done the same thing as you, including a friend of mine and also I was thinking seriously about it but none of them died, they were in a coma for a few days but they were not in danger of death. In fact, this method is considered the most unsuccessful of all.
Did your psychiatrist prescribe them for you? How did you find these psychiatric drugs sorry? It means that you were already being treated for mental illness before your attempt...i'm sorry if i ask you...
And I'm sorry you went through all of this.

Oh no problem don't worry: all of them were prescripted by docs to try and relax my muscles, Sertraline is the only one prescripted by a Psychiatric cause one day i told my parents i decided to suicide and they called the hospital, drove me to there, let me talk with the doc and gave me the med and sent me home.
I mean i am pretty sure that a high overdose would kill you with that mix, but hey i am still here so i don't really know! I could have been a nice evidence on the news LOL

 

[S like Siren]

Oh no problem don't worry: all of them were prescripted by docs to try and relax my muscles, Sertraline is the only one prescripted by a Psychiatric cause one day i told my parents i decided to suicide and they called the hospital, drove me to there, let me talk with the doc and gave me the med and sent me home.
I mean i am pretty sure that a high overdose would kill you with that mix, but hey i am still here so i don't really know! I could have been a nice evidence on the news LOL

Now I understand.i feel you ... especially the part where you talk about your family.because i don't talk to them anymore even though i depend on them financially.I am really sorry for all your suffering...

 

[SuicideRun]

I understand you very well and I am very sorry for your suffering.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm in my mid-20s and have a similar experience. I fell ill shortly after graduated from university, where what started out as swollen feet eventually progressed to whole body joint and muscle pains. In the downward spiral of depression that followed, I became more and more suicidal with each passing day and began to stockpile prescription painkillers for an attempt. About a year later I was eventually diagnosed with lupus and prescribed medications to keep the disease under control. Even then my personality and outlook towards life have been so drastically changed that I'll never be the same as before.

Pain by itself is already an isolating experience, but having your feelings invalidated adds insult to injury, even if others do have good intentions. Where I live, mental health gets swept under the rug in our pursuit for excellence. You'll most likely be on the receiving end of platitudes and condescension for opening up and exposing your vulnerabilities. I'm glad you found the resources you need from here. In a twist of irony, I chanced upon this place thanks to the VICE article, which sparked my curiosity. It is only here I can speak my mind without fear of judgement, and it would have saved me considerable mental anguish if I had arrived earlier.