Venting The universe is sick

[willitpass]

It's so unfair. People who want to live more than anything die everyday. Yet people like me who want nothing more than to be free try for years, doing things doctors aren't even sure how you survived, and nothing. Some people take a handful of Tylenol on an impulse attempt and die the first try, others spend years calculating the most effective ways, meanwhile self-harming every day in ways that could be lethal, and yet nothing. Some people can go through life with a few troubles that are solved in due time, others have endless turmoil that cannot be relieved.

I just don't understand what I did so wrong to deserve the hand that the universe has dealt me. I don't understand why I am in such pain yet nothing I do kills me. I don't understand how I can try every single treatment available and none of them do anything but ultimately lead me to an even lower rock bottom. I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm a shell of who I used to be. I am so desperate to be gone. I hope I go septic soon and die but I don't have any faith in anything killing me anymore because I have tried and tried and yet seen to survive one impossible thing after another. It's like some sick joke that I cant die. What a cruel joke to make the one who wants nothing more than to end their life seemingly be invincible. I'm so tired. God free me.

 

[LifeIsASadist]

Life is just a sadist.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Life is soul-crushingly unfair. I'm thinking of this really amazing wildlife rescuer who successfully killed herself due to cyberbullying about her rescue and it bothers me so much. She left behind a daughter under 5 and a loving husband. Why didn't her method fail like mine failed? Why am I here with nothing and she left behind everything? I wish I could believe in good things like God's plan or karma or something, but I don't.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Life is wrong, I think unfair is too kind a word. Sorry for your pain and where you find yourself at this point. I used to believe the universe, being larger than life, has some kind of bigger plan ultimately and I hope somehow it may overule life's wrongness if we refuse to play by its unfair rules and find our own peace, whichever way. Now I just don't know, but I wish you all the best and hope you find peace.