A
ArtsyDrawer
Enlightened
- Nov 8, 2018
- 1,448
I... don't know what to think, honestly.
This thread has been inspired by a conversation with a friend on discord and some googling. We were talking about that old tweet coming from a fridge. A Samsung fridge, if I remember it right. But you know what, a smart fridge could be pretty nifty. It could keep an inventory of your food and alert you when, say, your milk goes bad. Maybe it could order new milk from whatever store that does single item deliveries. Maybe it could order it via drone. There's a place in Russia that does pizza delivery through drones. Amazon does drone deliveries.
The gist of it is that the world is turning too smart. I started googling things that have no reason to be smart, and yet...
At first, I googled a thing that can maybe turn somewhat useful by smartness - a toaster. In this day and age you might not want your bread burned into a hockey puck. Maybe you actually do, who am I to judge how you like your toast?
And so I've discovered smart toasters exist. Several of them, in fact.
But you know what, that's still vaguely reasonable, right? As I said, you might like your toast in varying shades of... uh... bread... You might want it burned, you might want it mildly crispy, you might like it just vaguely warm, just unfreezing your bread. Still vaguely reasonable if you're stupidly rich.
But let's go stupid, let's go unreasonably stupid: socks. Socks have no reason to be "smart", do they?
No, as it turns out, smart socks are definitely a thing. But, alright, it measures your running technique... or something like that... I didn't read into this too much. I was too baffled by the sheer existence of such a device. Too baffled to read what it's for.
Now I got stuck thinking - what has absolutely no right to be smart?
It has to be something stationary, it has to be something vaguely useful, but not TOO useful. As I light up a cigarette a thought strikes me - an ashtray!
Why the fucking fuck?!
It has some kind of Skype installed. Maybe to berate you for smoking? I don't know. I don't want to know. I kind of do, honestly, but no... I don't know...
Alright... Alright... Deep breaths, Compo, deep breaths. Surely there's a thing out there that has no fucking business being smart. Just... no...
And then it hit me! A condom! Surely, no sensible, sane man would put his penis in an electronic device, and then insert this combination into a woman, right?
I mean, sure, I never had sex myself, but I imagine having sex whilst wearing some kind of electronic device on my penis, and then trying to convince a woman that it's perfectly reasonable to wear some unholy monster and insert it into her is... well... not reasonable...
Surely, no mad scientist would invent a smart condom, would they? What sort of monster would put a penis into the danger of having it attacked by some shorting circuit?!
Once more, I was wrong. Judging by the fact I was wrong, I came to the conclusion that somebody pulled this off as well!
I can't picture what sort of woman would agree to this kind of thing. If I were a woman, I certainly wouldn't. I would not be surprised to discover this was imagined by one of those raging "feminists" who scream "men are pigs" all the time on Facebook, to be quite honest with you. They would probably love to see a man in pain, on the floor, clutching his penis in pain, begging for the sweet release of death.
For the record, I do not oppose what I call "first-wave feminism" - just fighting for equal rights, none of this crap about vengeance towards men simply for being men. It's the fourth (I think) wave of feminism, the raging Karens screaming buzz words as they refuse the idea that maybe men are humans as well. I think the current buzz word for it is "radical feminism".
By the way, ladies, smart tampons exist as well. No genitals are safe from short circuits.
Obviously, you and I are not forced to wear these things, it's just that... they exist... and they exist because the market for them is large enough to make some profit from them.
So, what have I learned from these 20-ish minutes of googling smart things that have no damn reason being any level of smart?
I have no idea, honestly. Just that the world is turning too damn smart. Is it good? Is it bad?
Considering the smart condom, I'd argue it's definitely weird. The smart socks could have some kind of use, except I couldn't find any for my own life. The tampons? Well, women don't have a sort of... fullness meter that would inform them when it's time to change tampons, but I've yet to hear of a woman carrying a tampon in for varying periods of time.
OK, one last try: smart underwear. How about smart underwear? Is this not too fucking stupid?
You can control a house with them, apparently.
Fuck these scientists.
I wish I could drink, I could do a few gulps of rum right about now.
This thread has been inspired by a conversation with a friend on discord and some googling. We were talking about that old tweet coming from a fridge. A Samsung fridge, if I remember it right. But you know what, a smart fridge could be pretty nifty. It could keep an inventory of your food and alert you when, say, your milk goes bad. Maybe it could order new milk from whatever store that does single item deliveries. Maybe it could order it via drone. There's a place in Russia that does pizza delivery through drones. Amazon does drone deliveries.
The gist of it is that the world is turning too smart. I started googling things that have no reason to be smart, and yet...
At first, I googled a thing that can maybe turn somewhat useful by smartness - a toaster. In this day and age you might not want your bread burned into a hockey puck. Maybe you actually do, who am I to judge how you like your toast?
And so I've discovered smart toasters exist. Several of them, in fact.
But you know what, that's still vaguely reasonable, right? As I said, you might like your toast in varying shades of... uh... bread... You might want it burned, you might want it mildly crispy, you might like it just vaguely warm, just unfreezing your bread. Still vaguely reasonable if you're stupidly rich.
But let's go stupid, let's go unreasonably stupid: socks. Socks have no reason to be "smart", do they?
No, as it turns out, smart socks are definitely a thing. But, alright, it measures your running technique... or something like that... I didn't read into this too much. I was too baffled by the sheer existence of such a device. Too baffled to read what it's for.
Now I got stuck thinking - what has absolutely no right to be smart?
It has to be something stationary, it has to be something vaguely useful, but not TOO useful. As I light up a cigarette a thought strikes me - an ashtray!
Why the fucking fuck?!
It has some kind of Skype installed. Maybe to berate you for smoking? I don't know. I don't want to know. I kind of do, honestly, but no... I don't know...
Alright... Alright... Deep breaths, Compo, deep breaths. Surely there's a thing out there that has no fucking business being smart. Just... no...
And then it hit me! A condom! Surely, no sensible, sane man would put his penis in an electronic device, and then insert this combination into a woman, right?
I mean, sure, I never had sex myself, but I imagine having sex whilst wearing some kind of electronic device on my penis, and then trying to convince a woman that it's perfectly reasonable to wear some unholy monster and insert it into her is... well... not reasonable...
Surely, no mad scientist would invent a smart condom, would they? What sort of monster would put a penis into the danger of having it attacked by some shorting circuit?!
Once more, I was wrong. Judging by the fact I was wrong, I came to the conclusion that somebody pulled this off as well!
I can't picture what sort of woman would agree to this kind of thing. If I were a woman, I certainly wouldn't. I would not be surprised to discover this was imagined by one of those raging "feminists" who scream "men are pigs" all the time on Facebook, to be quite honest with you. They would probably love to see a man in pain, on the floor, clutching his penis in pain, begging for the sweet release of death.
For the record, I do not oppose what I call "first-wave feminism" - just fighting for equal rights, none of this crap about vengeance towards men simply for being men. It's the fourth (I think) wave of feminism, the raging Karens screaming buzz words as they refuse the idea that maybe men are humans as well. I think the current buzz word for it is "radical feminism".
By the way, ladies, smart tampons exist as well. No genitals are safe from short circuits.
Obviously, you and I are not forced to wear these things, it's just that... they exist... and they exist because the market for them is large enough to make some profit from them.
So, what have I learned from these 20-ish minutes of googling smart things that have no damn reason being any level of smart?
I have no idea, honestly. Just that the world is turning too damn smart. Is it good? Is it bad?
Considering the smart condom, I'd argue it's definitely weird. The smart socks could have some kind of use, except I couldn't find any for my own life. The tampons? Well, women don't have a sort of... fullness meter that would inform them when it's time to change tampons, but I've yet to hear of a woman carrying a tampon in for varying periods of time.
OK, one last try: smart underwear. How about smart underwear? Is this not too fucking stupid?
You can control a house with them, apparently.
Fuck these scientists.
I wish I could drink, I could do a few gulps of rum right about now.