Synfrome
"normal" "well-adjusted" member of society
- Apr 18, 2023
- 8
As the title suggests, things have not improved since my last post. Despite "resolving" things with my flatmate and agreeing to just be friends instead of entering into a ill advised relationship, I've still got major rejection issues surrounding him and I feel like he's started treating me worse and distancing himself from me. Two nights ago we had agreed to watch a film together in advance but he cancelled last minute to play videogames instead. My rejection issues paired with autism schedule disruption issues sent me spiralling over it; yesterday we agreed to watch the film and we did. However, he didn't like it or enjoy it and asked if I could leave early so he could get an "early night" (he never does that.) (TW: SH) That paired with everything else going wrong in my life (breaking up with my gf, struggling to make friends at uni, transitioning, general persistent mental health issues, etc) was too much so I relapsed after being 7 months clean.
I just don't think there's a way out for me. Either I keep desperately stumbling through my life trying to survive, clawing at anyone who shows the slightest bit of kindness towards me just to keep me going or I do what I should've succeeded doing at 14 but failed: that is, committing suicide. I don't think I can live alone, I'm realising that I'm barely functioning without a parental/caring figure to fall back on (parent, partner, etc.) Knowing my flatmate's room is only two steps away from mine makes me feel like I can never rest, as I'm always conscious of that fact he's there. I hate him for how he's treated me and made me feel but at the same time I feel guilty because I know half of it is just exaggerated in my head because I'm fucking crazy and can't have normal relationships with other people so lashing out at him would be very unfair. I know I shouldn't want it but I want him to care for me because it feels like he's the only person who's consistently in my life right now who I can go to for help.
It feels like I'm never going to have normal relationships with others. I've been in counselling for over three years and I'm still as incapable of stable human connection as I was back then. I will forever be plagued with crippling anxious-avoidant attachment that ruins all my relationships in one form or another, leaving me broken, reckless and isolated. From having genetic disposition to mental health issues from my absent father to being socialised by a mother who could never have a stable relationship with any of her partners, it feels like I was doomed from birth to die alone. If I'm loved or I love someone, it never lasts. I feel like a monster wearing the skin of a person, pretending to be human.
I just don't think there's a way out for me. Either I keep desperately stumbling through my life trying to survive, clawing at anyone who shows the slightest bit of kindness towards me just to keep me going or I do what I should've succeeded doing at 14 but failed: that is, committing suicide. I don't think I can live alone, I'm realising that I'm barely functioning without a parental/caring figure to fall back on (parent, partner, etc.) Knowing my flatmate's room is only two steps away from mine makes me feel like I can never rest, as I'm always conscious of that fact he's there. I hate him for how he's treated me and made me feel but at the same time I feel guilty because I know half of it is just exaggerated in my head because I'm fucking crazy and can't have normal relationships with other people so lashing out at him would be very unfair. I know I shouldn't want it but I want him to care for me because it feels like he's the only person who's consistently in my life right now who I can go to for help.
It feels like I'm never going to have normal relationships with others. I've been in counselling for over three years and I'm still as incapable of stable human connection as I was back then. I will forever be plagued with crippling anxious-avoidant attachment that ruins all my relationships in one form or another, leaving me broken, reckless and isolated. From having genetic disposition to mental health issues from my absent father to being socialised by a mother who could never have a stable relationship with any of her partners, it feels like I was doomed from birth to die alone. If I'm loved or I love someone, it never lasts. I feel like a monster wearing the skin of a person, pretending to be human.
