This needs to end

[-nobodyknows-]

Today, I did something with a member of my family. Helped them out with some house stuff. It probably seems rather simple, and it probably is too, but I feel kind of guilty about it. Making potential memories for people to look back on just seems so cruel.

I generally try to stay away from my family. I don't even know why. I tend to do it subconsciously. Something about interacting with them makes me feel strange. I don't know what it is, but I assume it's probably some sort of guilt. I think this is probably a good thing, all things considered. I hope it makes things a little bit easier for them in the end.

I feel similarly with other people, but I do enjoy spending time with them. I know it is wrong, considering my likely future. But I crave it. "Please, spend time with me". "Please, don't leave me all alone". I know enough to not actually say such things, but that is how I feel. Other people need to live their lives. I can't drag them into this.

I'm a little worried about what will happen if I just disappear one day. I'm usually the one to initiate contact, but I don't know what they will do if I stop all of a sudden. Part of me wonders if I should just lie and say I am moving. I don't want them to try to look into things. I don't think they know enough about me to find out, but it's difficult to say for sure.

I really detest that I still do things with them. I hate that I can't just stay away from everyone. I feel like that would be the right thing to do.

I don't understand why someone like me exists. I feel like a bomb that's going to ruin the lives of everyone around me and there's nothing I can do about it.

I have been trying for so long. Over ten years now. I am so tired. I don't want this fate.

What would I need to keep going… I know the answer. I need someone. A close friend or a romantic partner would probably work. But I think I am at the point where I would just need too much from them.

To make things more complicated, there is something about me that really disturbs people. Many people have told me. Regular people. Doctors. People I knew who had problems. Even people on here. They have all told me that the way I see the world is far too twisted.

I don't really hate or dislike anyone, even those who have hurt me in the past. I don't know why. I imagine it's because I can reason why they did things the way they did.

I think this may have contributed to why I hate myself so much. I find it difficult to blame other people, so I put everything on myself.

It's funny though. Even now, I cannot help but wonder if maybe that is a good thing. I think, if I had to choose between hating someone else and hating myself, I would prefer to hate myself. I don't know why, but that feels right somehow.

Would I feel better if I stopped turning everything inward? Maybe. But do I really want to be that way?

No. I don't.

And so, I have decided to accept the likely outcome. I still want to live. If someone entered my life who would support me through this, no matter how long it took, I would be very grateful to them.

But I've had people who have tried to do that already. None of them could stand it. Listening to me talk about my feelings was too much for them.

Those experiences caused me to realize a second truth about myself. I cannot open up about my feelings to anyone without hurting them. And the more I open up, the worse it is. So, I have to be very careful. I cannot stand seeing the way people look at me when I tell them such things. Knowing that I am responsible for the pain in their eyes is such a horrible feeling.

I am tired of hurting the people I want to be close to. But I am also tired of being alone. Both are absolutely crushing.

I cannot stand this for much longer. Something needs to change. Please.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

Today, I did something with a member of my family. Helped them out with some house stuff. It probably seems rather simple, and it probably is too, but I feel kind of guilty about it. Making potential memories for people to look back on just seems so cruel.

I generally try to stay away from my family. I don't even know why. I tend to do it subconsciously. Something about interacting with them makes me feel strange. I don't know what it is, but I assume it's probably some sort of guilt. I think this is probably a good thing, all things considered. I hope it makes things a little bit easier for them in the end.

I feel similarly with other people, but I do enjoy spending time with them. I know it is wrong, considering my likely future. But I crave it. "Please, spend time with me". "Please, don't leave me all alone". I know enough to not actually say such things, but that is how I feel. Other people need to live their lives. I can't drag them into this.

I'm a little worried about what will happen if I just disappear one day. I'm usually the one to initiate contact, but I don't know what they will do if I stop all of a sudden. Part of me wonders if I should just lie and say I am moving. I don't want them to try to look into things. I don't think they know enough about me to find out, but it's difficult to say for sure.

I really detest that I still do things with them. I hate that I can't just stay away from everyone. I feel like that would be the right thing to do.

I don't understand why someone like me exists. I feel like a bomb that's going to ruin the lives of everyone around me and there's nothing I can do about it.

I have been trying for so long. Over ten years now. I am so tired. I don't want this fate.

What would I need to keep going… I know the answer. I need someone. A close friend or a romantic partner would probably work. But I think I am at the point where I would just need too much from them.

To make things more complicated, there is something about me that really disturbs people. Many people have told me. Regular people. Doctors. People I knew who had problems. Even people on here. They have all told me that the way I see the world is far too twisted.

I don't really hate or dislike anyone, even those who have hurt me in the past. I don't know why. I imagine it's because I can reason why they did things the way they did.

I think this may have contributed to why I hate myself so much. I find it difficult to blame other people, so I put everything on myself.

It's funny though. Even now, I cannot help but wonder if maybe that is a good thing. I think, if I had to choose between hating someone else and hating myself, I would prefer to hate myself. I don't know why, but that feels right somehow.

Would I feel better if I stopped turning everything inward? Maybe. But do I really want to be that way?

No. I don't.

And so, I have decided to accept the likely outcome. I still want to live. If someone entered my life who would support me through this, no matter how long it took, I would be very grateful to them.

But I've had people who have tried to do that already. None of them could stand it. Listening to me talk about my feelings was too much for them.

Those experiences caused me to realize a second truth about myself. I cannot open up about my feelings to anyone without hurting them. And the more I open up, the worse it is. So, I have to be very careful. I cannot stand seeing the way people look at me when I tell them such things. Knowing that I am responsible for the pain in their eyes is such a horrible feeling.

I am tired of hurting the people I want to be close to. But I am also tired of being alone. Both are absolutely crushing.

I cannot stand this for much longer. Something needs to change. Please.

I feel that I can relate it's just beyond reasonable to even care about yourself enough to I guess talk voice your feelings, in all manners, Im unable and incapable.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's a very tricky balance. It seems cruel to ignore people who ask to spend time with us- if they do but I agree, at the same time, it doesn't seem fair to get close to people if suicide is imminent. Personally, I would have more problems with initiating new relationships. We can't exactly help the ones we already have. I also struggle sometimes though, seeing as I have let most friendships naturally drift. But then sometimes, it is still nice to hear from people.

It may actually be that, if you do eventually CTB that they are still grateful for the memories you made though. It's so hard to tell.

Probably at one point, I also hoped a partner would 'save' me. I have a feeling I would also become too clingy and dependent on them though. Or, it could swing the other way- as it does with family and friends. I could open up and find their responses sometimes make me feel worse! I think that would actually make me feel worse because I would likely put on an act to pretend they had helped.

I suppose after a time, I started to reason and convince myself that it was better off I was alone. Both for other people but maybe, also for me. I'm sorry you are going through this though.