PigeonDreamzz
The broken Pigeon
- Feb 3, 2022
- 68
-----------------------------------------------Entry #01: Introduction----------------------------------------------------
Since I'll be soon gone, I thought of maybe sharing my thoughts I will be having or already have since many months. Many of you don't know me, or won't care. That's alright. Maybe it will be interesting for some people. Coo. Maybe for introduction, a very short summary of my story.
To kind of understand my reasons for my decision leaving this world, you need some background information.
My mother got me when she was 17. She still made her Abitur (highest school graduation in germany) and studied law. She has a 5 years younger sister. My Aunt witnessed alot in the first couple years, before my mother moved to a city 600km away with me in 2005. I talked to my aunt alot last year because we share some things, for example the same weird anxiety (I don't know if I will explain this later further, we'll see), because my mother also mentally tortured her as well when she was little.
When I talked to my aunt about my first memories last year (I have many memories, they're NOT surpressed), she would tell me some things that explain many issues I have very well. According to her, my mother started hitting me when I was 2 months old. In addition my mother let me "scream" in the night to train me sleeping through the night. This was a common practice for not too long ago but it's really unhealthy to do that because babies can't regulate stress or emotions (fun fact: humans learn it at a very late age, until then stress regulation needs to be done from "outside", meaning from caretakers). At some point the babies just "give up" because they know, noone is coming. That's how they "sleep through" the night. Many people who were handled like this as babies have later on problems with emotion and stress regulation and have in general a higher amount of cortisol in their brains throughout life. My mother beat me up reguralry as a child (I have the so called disorganised attachment style. But I overcame this and wasn't like that at all during the relationship with my Soulpigeon, I worked alot on myself the past years). I remember lots of occasions where this was happening and my aunt provided me with more information. For example, when I was about 3 years old, my mother, aunt and a friend of my mother would drink coffee inside and I was apparently very annoying (brabbling alot) and my mother held my mouth and nose with her hand until I passed out. My mother would leave me alone for hours, because she wanted to party and didn'T tell my grandmother or aunt. This was also happening below the age of 3. According to my aunt, when I just learned how to walk (1-1,5yo) I was left alone again and I apparently used a chair to reach the doorknob and went outside to look for my mother (we lived in a house with many appartments in it). The neighbours were worried and when they reached out to my mother, she apparently told me over and over again: "if you go out of that door again, the evil evil wolf will come get you". At this age, children process language differently than older children. Children at that age process the nouns and verbs only. So I probably heard/understood something like "Something bad will come get me" and my brain connected that with being alone in an appartment. This is one of the origins of my weird specific anxiety: I can't be alone in an appartment, flush the toilet or shower, because I would then not hear the something, that would come. So I always flee when I am alone and sudden loud noise comes. Another reason for my weird anxiety is, that my mother apparently watched horror movies with me when I was still very little (many of my first memories are those scenes and I remember being scared and my mother scaring me because it was funny to her). When I told my aunt about it, she told me: "when you were around 2yo, your mother left you alone to go to a party around 8pm. The movie "Tarzan" came at this hour and when she came back home later, you were still awake and watching the horror movie "House on Haunted Hill 2" (don't remember if that's the right name of the movie though). Because she wanted to sleep, she didn't bring you to bed."
This explains why I always feared dead people and ghosts. I remember alot being left alone for hours and having so much anxiety. I just wanted to die, be nothing, not having to endure this torture anymore. This is just an idea for you guys, where my baseline is and where it all started. Obviously I could tell even more, and stuff like rape and sexual abuse happened in my life as well. The only thing that I didn't witness was war and torture in a literal sense (getting skin pealed off etc). If my abuse would've started at age like 7 or so, I probably would've had a chance of maintaining my stable self I had last year in the long run.
I fast forward a bit now. The stuff I will post later on (mental health resources) really work. I could reach stability for 9 months. I personally seek independence in it's highest possible form. But I can't reach it. That Soulpigeon breaking up with me triggered my current state is just a symptom of a much deeper underlying complex problem. My abuse literally started at infant age. The brain is even more vurnerable at this age than in later child age. When I connect with people, it's in a very deep way. Every connection is truly unique and can't be replaced. And I thought I overcame the need, the importance of a partner/companionship dimension in life, but I didn't. My reaction of Soulpigeon leaving me proved that. It appears I only learned to not be sad about assholes. If he were one of those assholes like I had before, it would've not this effect on me. Some people who know me here seem to like me but you just know a shadow of myself. I challenge people. I push them out of their comfort zones. Most people can't keep up with me. This post:
[COLOR=var(--text-link)]https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/love-and-ctb.93562/#post-1647107[/COLOR]
sums it pretty much up. There will be no other Soulpigeon. And I'm not choosing this path because he left me, but because I can't cure the underlying problem. I can't live up to my principles. And I don't have any energy left. All those people who say "but you made it this far, so you can surely go on", NO! If you get constantly beaten up by this fucked up universe, at some point you just CAN'T go on anymore! When your body gets beaten up enough, it dies! I'm followed by misfortune since my existence. And no matter how far I develop mentally, no matter what I do, it seems I attract misfortune nontheless and I just know from here on how life is going to be. I've seen enough to know. I experienced enough to know. Those patterns are obvious. I don't want to live not being able to reach true independence. I don't want to live with needing to have a Soulpigeon as a partner. To have this dimension. I tried to overcome it. I really tried everything. I tried things most of you don't know about. Those methods I will share later in this thread really work. I'm just literally too fucked up from the beginning. Like I said, if the abuse just had started later, if it had to start, I would've had a chance. I don't have any will left. I don't even have the will to have will. There is nothing left and I don't want to live for other people. It's not worth it for me. I've had enough.
Since I'll be soon gone, I thought of maybe sharing my thoughts I will be having or already have since many months. Many of you don't know me, or won't care. That's alright. Maybe it will be interesting for some people. Coo. Maybe for introduction, a very short summary of my story.
To kind of understand my reasons for my decision leaving this world, you need some background information.
My mother got me when she was 17. She still made her Abitur (highest school graduation in germany) and studied law. She has a 5 years younger sister. My Aunt witnessed alot in the first couple years, before my mother moved to a city 600km away with me in 2005. I talked to my aunt alot last year because we share some things, for example the same weird anxiety (I don't know if I will explain this later further, we'll see), because my mother also mentally tortured her as well when she was little.
When I talked to my aunt about my first memories last year (I have many memories, they're NOT surpressed), she would tell me some things that explain many issues I have very well. According to her, my mother started hitting me when I was 2 months old. In addition my mother let me "scream" in the night to train me sleeping through the night. This was a common practice for not too long ago but it's really unhealthy to do that because babies can't regulate stress or emotions (fun fact: humans learn it at a very late age, until then stress regulation needs to be done from "outside", meaning from caretakers). At some point the babies just "give up" because they know, noone is coming. That's how they "sleep through" the night. Many people who were handled like this as babies have later on problems with emotion and stress regulation and have in general a higher amount of cortisol in their brains throughout life. My mother beat me up reguralry as a child (I have the so called disorganised attachment style. But I overcame this and wasn't like that at all during the relationship with my Soulpigeon, I worked alot on myself the past years). I remember lots of occasions where this was happening and my aunt provided me with more information. For example, when I was about 3 years old, my mother, aunt and a friend of my mother would drink coffee inside and I was apparently very annoying (brabbling alot) and my mother held my mouth and nose with her hand until I passed out. My mother would leave me alone for hours, because she wanted to party and didn'T tell my grandmother or aunt. This was also happening below the age of 3. According to my aunt, when I just learned how to walk (1-1,5yo) I was left alone again and I apparently used a chair to reach the doorknob and went outside to look for my mother (we lived in a house with many appartments in it). The neighbours were worried and when they reached out to my mother, she apparently told me over and over again: "if you go out of that door again, the evil evil wolf will come get you". At this age, children process language differently than older children. Children at that age process the nouns and verbs only. So I probably heard/understood something like "Something bad will come get me" and my brain connected that with being alone in an appartment. This is one of the origins of my weird specific anxiety: I can't be alone in an appartment, flush the toilet or shower, because I would then not hear the something, that would come. So I always flee when I am alone and sudden loud noise comes. Another reason for my weird anxiety is, that my mother apparently watched horror movies with me when I was still very little (many of my first memories are those scenes and I remember being scared and my mother scaring me because it was funny to her). When I told my aunt about it, she told me: "when you were around 2yo, your mother left you alone to go to a party around 8pm. The movie "Tarzan" came at this hour and when she came back home later, you were still awake and watching the horror movie "House on Haunted Hill 2" (don't remember if that's the right name of the movie though). Because she wanted to sleep, she didn't bring you to bed."
This explains why I always feared dead people and ghosts. I remember alot being left alone for hours and having so much anxiety. I just wanted to die, be nothing, not having to endure this torture anymore. This is just an idea for you guys, where my baseline is and where it all started. Obviously I could tell even more, and stuff like rape and sexual abuse happened in my life as well. The only thing that I didn't witness was war and torture in a literal sense (getting skin pealed off etc). If my abuse would've started at age like 7 or so, I probably would've had a chance of maintaining my stable self I had last year in the long run.
I fast forward a bit now. The stuff I will post later on (mental health resources) really work. I could reach stability for 9 months. I personally seek independence in it's highest possible form. But I can't reach it. That Soulpigeon breaking up with me triggered my current state is just a symptom of a much deeper underlying complex problem. My abuse literally started at infant age. The brain is even more vurnerable at this age than in later child age. When I connect with people, it's in a very deep way. Every connection is truly unique and can't be replaced. And I thought I overcame the need, the importance of a partner/companionship dimension in life, but I didn't. My reaction of Soulpigeon leaving me proved that. It appears I only learned to not be sad about assholes. If he were one of those assholes like I had before, it would've not this effect on me. Some people who know me here seem to like me but you just know a shadow of myself. I challenge people. I push them out of their comfort zones. Most people can't keep up with me. This post:
[COLOR=var(--text-link)]https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/love-and-ctb.93562/#post-1647107[/COLOR]
sums it pretty much up. There will be no other Soulpigeon. And I'm not choosing this path because he left me, but because I can't cure the underlying problem. I can't live up to my principles. And I don't have any energy left. All those people who say "but you made it this far, so you can surely go on", NO! If you get constantly beaten up by this fucked up universe, at some point you just CAN'T go on anymore! When your body gets beaten up enough, it dies! I'm followed by misfortune since my existence. And no matter how far I develop mentally, no matter what I do, it seems I attract misfortune nontheless and I just know from here on how life is going to be. I've seen enough to know. I experienced enough to know. Those patterns are obvious. I don't want to live not being able to reach true independence. I don't want to live with needing to have a Soulpigeon as a partner. To have this dimension. I tried to overcome it. I really tried everything. I tried things most of you don't know about. Those methods I will share later in this thread really work. I'm just literally too fucked up from the beginning. Like I said, if the abuse just had started later, if it had to start, I would've had a chance. I don't have any will left. I don't even have the will to have will. There is nothing left and I don't want to live for other people. It's not worth it for me. I've had enough.
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