Story Tonight's the night! (Finally)

[helllcreator]

After months and months of delaying tactics and a failed CO attempt tonight is the night, hopefully this time goes better.

Method:- Barium Carbonate

Mixing approx 100g of BC with likely a milkshake and drinking with a straw so I can take it towards the back of my throat and hopefully avoid tasting the saltiness. Got a frijj one as it should be thick enough to hold the BC in suspension as its not super soluable. Chocolate fudge flavour for anyone interested.

No AE taken, Unable to source. I suspect this is a bit of a mistake, in the event I begin throwing up and it becomes obvious the attempt will fail then a fall from height is likely going to follow from a multistory carpark.

Location. West Yorkshire, Bradford.


Suicide notes have been written up for close family and friends, all set to send on a time delay. This was my mistake previously I sent them out right before I was about to get into the car with the burning charcoal and a family member was awake to see the message at 2am...


Reasons, Shortend version.

Im sure a lot of society as well as probably folks on here will likely agree that i should be dead, and for them its fine, short of a miracle i will be soon.
Years ago i was arrested for possesing CP, and ever since then my life has been on a timer i guess. I tried to kill myself back then and sadly failed. I would have done a lot of people a favour if i wasn't such a fuckup and did some research into my method back then i might have used a better more reliable method.

After my attempt and going through the courts etc, i went on a course to manage me and help prevent reoffending. It genuinely did help. Im not the person i once was, ive grown and changed in so many ways, but Im not allowed to move on from my past.
Im not allowed a chance at living my life and being the better person that I have become. Im sick to death of fighting and trying to just make it through another year, month, week, day or hour.
Im not the monster the world thinks i am. I was just a fucked up kid, isolated, depressed and mentally exhausted. I made the fucked up choices and had to deal with the consequences of my actions. But even now a decade later, living through my life having a constant ongoing battle to survive in my head im not allowed to move on with anything. Im not allowed to be a human fucking being.
So i honestly see no point to me being here anymore ive destroyed lives, hurt people, and just been a drain on everyone. So im making that right.

And now with me being due back in court on the 12th for forgetting to re register, I'm done. I see absolutely no point in trying to keep going. It was an honest to God mistake my heads been so fucking fried with depression and spending every day and night trying to make it to the next im just mentally not here anymore I can't remember shit from a few days ago or I forget in the moment these days as well.



I've only really delayed and tried to keep going for my mum and dad as I know this is gonna hurt them so much and I hope they know how sorry I am about it all.



I have just taken 3 amitriptyline to try and hopefully help with a little of the pain that might come. Gonna give it a little time to kick in now.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[abchia]

Good luck, I hope your journey is peaceful

 

[MidnightDream]

Sending love <3

 

[helllcreator]

Just taken the milkshake mixed with BC. Didn't really taste salty but definitely very chalky.

 

[nightlygem]

You've lived a rough life. Sad to see you go, even if I don't know you. Regardless, I wish you luck.
I've never heard of this method before, either. If you don't mind sending us updates, i would like to be here before you go.

 

[helllcreator]

Developing a slightly odd aftertaste in my mouth, might be some sickness setting in. But no pain yet.

I will try to update as long as I can.

 

[ADBoy777]

Good luck hope everything will go according to your plan. May you find peace

 

[mi_ba_]

Good luck, I hope it works(^ ^)

 

[thebelljarrr]

Sleep well

 

[Tesha]

Wishing you a safe onward journey to peace

 

[helllcreator]

No side effects or anything yet, 20 mins since taking.

 

[drearysunrise]

Thank you for sharing these updates with us, I'm curious about this method as well. I'm sorry you've been struggling for so long; I hope your departure is a peaceful one

 

[helllcreator]

Thank you for sharing these updates with us, I'm curious about this method as well. I'm sorry you've been struggling for so long; I hope your departure is a peaceful one

Thank you,

Nothing to update yet, feeling the odd twinge of pain in my abdomen. Definitely burping a bit more but that should be from the carbonate converting to the chloride with the stomach acid and releasing some gas.

Still got the odd aftertaste but it's definitely not as bad as it was.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

First and foremost, I wish you peace. Second, I think the criminal justice system is fucked up for the most part. I understand what you did was horrendous, and that there should have been some consequences, and it seems there was. But........too many of these consequences are turning into lifetime punishments, which fails to take into consideration that people can and do change and, after paying their debt to society, deserve a second chance to prove that they've changed, unemcumbered by virtual tethers and imposed further hindrances, that are only there to further punish. I think we, as a society, have forgotten how to forgive.

This stupid criminal justice system we have now slaps CP charges on 17 year-olds who have nude pics on their phones of their 15 year-old gf's? How is that right? I'm not trying to compare this example with what the OP *might* have done (I have no idea what his circumstances were), but just to point out how out-of-whack the system, in general, has become. And for the record, I DON'T support CP, or child exploitation, OF ANY SORT, before someone starts coming back with some stupid comments that I'm somehow supportive of that type of thing.

Again, OP, I hope you can find the peace you deserve.

 

[mi_ba_]

I have a small question that might come off as rude(I'm really really sorry if it does!), but I'm just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

How are you feeling emotionally right now?

 

[helllcreator]

First and foremost, I wish you peace. Second, I think the criminal justice system is fucked up for the most part. I understand what you did was horrendous, and that there should have been some consequences, and it seems there was. But........too many of these consequences are turning into lifetime punishments, which fails to take into consideration that people can and do change and, after paying their debt to society, deserve a second chance to prove that they've changed, unemcumbered by virtual tethers and imposed further hindrances, that are only there to further punish. I think we, as a society, have forgotten how to forgive.

This stupid criminal justice system we have now slaps CP charges on 17 year-olds who have nude pics on their phones of their 15 year-old gf's? How is that right? I'm not trying to compare this example with what the OP *might* have done (I have no idea what his circumstances were), but just to point out how out-of-whack the system, in general, has become. And for the record, I DON'T support CP, or child exploitation, OF ANY SORT, before someone starts coming back with some stupid comments that I'm somehow supportive of that type of thing.

Again, OP, I hope you can find the peace you deserve.

Thank you for your comment, I absolutely agree, it's been over a decade of it, its destroyed relationships both with family, friends but even romantic relationships. I'm not allowed a partner without informing them and you can imagine how that usually goes.

I just wanted to move on with my life but they slapped another 5 years of an order on me because they could. Barrister was absolutely not help and pretty much dismissed fighting it and said its what's been agreed its tough.

I absolutely agree punishment should be there and I'm glad I was caught when I was. It helped sort me out a lot in life but it's also destroyed me a hell of lot since.

I have a small question that might come off as rude(I'm really really sorry if it does!), but I'm just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

How are you feeling emotionally right now?

Calm, nervous anxious. Have I taken enough, was it pure enough. Is this actually gonna work or am I just gonna sit here for hours and have nothing happen and have to resort to jumping (I'd rather not)
I've become very very numb to emotions in general over the last year. Had so many mental breakdowns where I've sat crying struggling to breathe.
Definitely developing a tingling in my lips now. Forehead feeling like its been stretched a bit maybe tightness is a better way to describe it.



Feeling a little sickness again but nothing major.
Sickness definitely building now.

 

[Yarani]

Talk to us, anything you like, if you want.
We are here with you. You're not alone.

 

[helllcreator]

Talk to us, anything you like, if you want.
We are here with you. You're not alone.

Thank you. Just feeling sickness a lot more now. Tinglings gotten stronger in my lips and face feels tight.

 

[nightlygem]

I did some research on your method and from what I'm seeing, it takes a lot of time for it to kill you. How did you come up with this? And what are your expectations?

 

[blackwidow]

First and foremost, I wish you peace. Second, I think the criminal justice system is fucked up for the most part. I understand what you did was horrendous, and that there should have been some consequences, and it seems there was. But........too many of these consequences are turning into lifetime punishments, which fails to take into consideration that people can and do change and, after paying their debt to society, deserve a second chance to prove that they've changed, unemcumbered by virtual tethers and imposed further hindrances, that are only there to further punish. I think we, as a society, have forgotten how to forgive.

This stupid criminal justice system we have now slaps CP charges on 17 year-olds who have nude pics on their phones of their 15 year-old gf's? How is that right? I'm not trying to compare this example with what the OP *might* have done (I have no idea what his circumstances were), but just to point out how out-of-whack the system, in general, has become. And for the record, I DON'T support CP, or child exploitation, OF ANY SORT, before someone starts coming back with some stupid comments that I'm somehow supportive of that type of thing.

Again, OP, I hope you can find the peace you deserve.

How well said is that... You are so right, As a society we have forgotten how to forgive.. This post is just so heart wrenching.. We live in a really cruel world.. So many sad tormented people walking amongst us.. I really do wonder often what the hell this so called life is all about..

 

[painoflife]

Thank you. Just feeling sickness a lot more now. Tinglings gotten stronger in my lips and face feels tight.

I hope the symptoms are not too distressing for you.
I don't know anything about this method but I hope you are not in too much pain, you seem like a good person who turned their life around so it is a shame it's come to this.

 

[feelinggloomy]

Peace to you

 

[blackwidow]

I feel so sorry for you.. I haven't read a post like this for a long time.. So sad in so many ways.. I see you all alone and what ever you have done, you don't deserve to be alone facing death.. Noone does.. Your story is tragic.. I send you hugs and what ever happens tonight, what will be will be I guess.. I can't wish you luck or send wishes for a peaceful journey ahead.. Because I don't ever think anyone should be in the position that we all on here find ourselves in.. But people here have you in their thoughts...

 

[EternalSummer]

Hey, don't do it, ir you know you're a better person that's good enough, people attracted to chuldren often are the ones who have been abused, and only can be attracted to things they see as harmless and pure, as long as you have made a conscious effort in fighting this behaviour, its good enough. Also, posession is way different than abuse.

You can always kill yourself,right? Youre still young, there are more things to try. Death is final, and your worries seem to be associated with guilt you think you cant handle, but im sure you can find a way to forgive yourself.

Please, stay a little bit longer and reavaluate your options.
Pls theres still time, call emergency, this can still be reverted, things will get better, you just have to forgive yourself and believe in who you are.

 

[bio-paradox-nausea]

Why don't you try moving to a different country or state ? That would get you far from all the judgmental people around you.

 

[Unknown21]

It's a compound used in rat poison and cement. I don't think it will be effective, even though it will take a long time. Anyway, I hope you find peace. Farewell, my friend.

It saddens me to see people resorting to methods like this. What a world we live in!

 

[Daryl72]

wishing you peace and hope you don't suffer anymore. I know I would d anything to stop my suffering now.

 

[outrider567]

No comments from him in 11 days, he may have succeeded, R.I.P.

 

[helllcreator]

So I did survive, just.
Someone one on here began messaging me after I had taken it. Saying they had tried and it hadnt worked. It ended up for some reason panicking me and I dialed 999 and went from there

Given how much I took I belive it would have worked and the medical staff were impressed I pulled through. The first 24hrs they really were not sure if I was likely going to make it

So essentially it would have worked. I think around the time I stopped messaging and called 999 I could feel my heart racing slightly. Not excessive but enough to notice.
Upon the ambulance crew arriving they hooked me up to a monitor etc and asked what I'd taken. It confused the hell out of them what it was or would do.
I was tachycardic and I belive my heart was also missing beats every now and then. They thought about having me consume an activated charcoal drink but with the time frames they decided against and also they weren't sure on interactions or effectiveness.

Arriving at hospital I was taken into the resus room immediately. Connected to their monitors while the handover went through. They team in resus didn't know anything either about the stuff so I belive someone went off to call poison control. Someone else gave me the charcoal to drink which was really rancid.

I did eventually vomit from this stuff, I remember loosing sensation in my feet and lower legs. It became harder to move until I couldn't move them nearly at all. My arms started doing similar. And it slowly became harder to breathe. Not in a worrying way I just felt as if I was working harder to take a breath.

After this I'm going off records or what family informed me of, I belive around the time I began with breathing issues I was intubated and ventilated. Placed into a medical coma for treatment as I was unable to breath for myself.

Poison control informed the hospital to infuse potassium as that is what the barium is fucking with etc which I already knew from my research


A central IV line was placed into my neck on my left side to facilitate giving me meds faster and more directly as well as hooking me up to a dialysis machine to try and remove the barium from my system. I remained on this for 5 days.
My potassium levels initially were rock bottom and stayed like this for the first 24hrs at least. Eventually they spiked to being extremely high. They continued to swing up and down as they continued to manage my levels over the period I was asleep

There was mention of a feeding tube being inserted within the notes fairly early on however while it may have been inserted fairly soon I don't think they used it until I was nearly awake or already awake. Simply as they were using insulin to help control my potassium levels and it would have interfered somewhat.

I had some difficulty breathing even on the ventilator as I belive I may have aspirated at somepoint causing fluid on the lungs which developed into some kind of pneumonia causing me to be placed on a course of iv antibiotics.

My understanding is they attempted to bring me back awake after the 24hr period but with the pneumonia and other issues my lungs collapsed on attempting this and they quickly restarted the ventilation and rsi drugs.

Midday I think they woke me up. So even though I was awake now I'm still not sure what is truth fully, I was so out of it from drugs and potentially after effects I'm not sure on most things.
After waking up I was weak, very very weak. I could hardly move. All my muscle mass had diminished while I was out cold. I couldn't move much in the bed and the paralytics they had given me might also have been limiting me. It also meant shitting myself several times which is not nice experience to be rolled over and cleaned up 0/10 don't reccomend this part

I also that entire evening hallucinated like their was no tomorrow. This is the part I still am not sure what was fully true and what wasn't. Somethings I clearly know cannot have been real like aliens or flying ICU beds that circled the hospital grounds... yea I was whacked. But other stuff such as things said or nurses doing meds or checks I've no idea if it happened or not

It took 2 days for me to get enough strength to be able to get out of the bed and onto my feet. Eventually 5 days after waking up I was discharged. I was struggling to lift a kettle and walking was a slow process and exhausting compared to how I was when I went in.



I didn't feel any pain after taking the barium, nausea was there but I didn't vomit until in the hospital. I wouldn't say it was a quick process for it taking effect.
I don't know if being put to sleep in the hospital has blanked my mind of anything that I have forgot or if I likely passed out. I can't find detailed notes from the resus department.

While in the hospital the mental health teams did make contact and spoke to me on length. Not being sectioned was nothing short of a miracle if I'm being honest. And I've spent far to long regretting calling 999.
My local mental health teams were sorta useless, I had 3 days of them coming round to check on me. Maybe 20 mins at most each time and they couldn't really offer much help or advice for me. Directed me to a local charity but given my work I don't have any time during the week to engage. My doctors were hopeless. I tried to seek medications and such to try help but was pretty much just messed about when I asked and they wanted more blood tests months away which was a waste of time waiting for.

As far as after effects, immediately ofc the weakness but this was from the coma more than the barium, I had slightly elevated which blood counts on test but that was put down to the infection I developed rather than a side effect. But otherwise I'm fine no lasting damage as far as I can tell. No issues in day to day life since.






I do suspect I will go through with it again sometime soon though but for good.