Story Tried to suffocate myself tonight.

[Anxieyote]

I didn't have enough alcohol left in the house, so I took a shot of EverClear to put me over the edge. I always seem to forget that it doesn't do much to increase the buzz, but it does give me major vertigo, and a massive headache.

So my back pain is at an all-time high, I'm pitching my covers around all over the place trying to find a comfortable position (there are none), and to top it off, my head feels like it's splitting open, and my drunk is wearing off too fast.

So I start crying and clutching my giant stuffed wolf to my chest, and I'm stumbling from room to room with him as the room is spinning, and I'm trying not to fall. I collapse on the floor in the living room right on top of him, and I start sobbing into his chest.

So I'm this state, and I think "what if", and I press my face as hard as I can against him. I start seeing stars and am on the verge of passing out when SI kicks in, and I'm gasping for air. My heart is beating at a million miles per minute, and I felt like I was going to die very painfully right then and there.

I stumble back to my room, and I'm already worried about brain damage because my head is super cloudy. I wake up a few hours later (right now), and my heart is beating super fast again, and I'm sitting here just waiting for it to go back to normal.

I just wanted to tell people what happened because I realized that if I'm sad enough, I won't even take the time to write a proper suicide note or say goodbye or anything; and the thought really upset me. Also the possibility of becoming a vegetable from doing something impulsive and asinine like oxygen deprivation. I'm really disappointed in myself.

 

[logan]

It hurts just to read it ...

Don't you have anyone who can help you in this situation?

 

[Anxieyote]

It hurts just to read it ...

Don't you have anyone who can help you in this situation?

Mom and Dad got divorced, and they have both told me how lonely they are now; living in seperate houses.

I could cash-in on their goodwill, but I already did that once in my early-20's when I lost my job, and it caused a lot of strife. Maybe things are different now though, a few years down the road.

Quitting my current job and focusing on mental recovery would be ideal, but my employer is covering my entire tuition—it would be a very bad idea to quit, and would change my life trajectory in a bad way.

I work reduced hours, which is good, but it's not like I have access to a personal therapist on every day off during the week—at most I see them once a month.

I just can't afford to have anything like this happen again if I have any hope for the future. It just seems like there are no good options.

There are people on Grindr who have offered to be my roommate on short notice to help me overcome my suicidal thoughts, but putting two lonely and desperate strangers into the same house seems like one of the worst ideas imaginable. There's also a friend with Asperger's who has been begging to move in with me for years, but he comes with his own set of unique problems.

 

[logan]

Maybe you at least have someone who can support you at the weekend.

 

[Shadowplay]

Odd - I was looking up Everclear the other day. We don't have it here in Australia.

 

[Meditation guide]

To get straight to the point: stop drinking totally. Not even on weekends. What you describe, while maybe not alcoholism, is the direct effects of drinking alcohol.

It's funny how life improves and gets on track once you give it up completely. Not what you want to hear, and won't be believed probably, but I tried.

Yes I know you drink to kill the pain but it takes your pain and amplifies it and along with that all your problems snowball.

 

[Anxieyote]

Odd - I was looking up Everclear the other day. We don't have it here in Australia.

It's sickening. I bought some awhile back because I had never tried it before either, and I was curious. I took a generous amount on the first time, assuming it would be fun, and I spent the rest of the night vomiting over the toilet.

I think it is considered an ingredient for creating other spirits. There is a warning label on the side stating that they don't recommend taking shots of it like regular alcohol.

 

[Shadowplay]

It's sickening. I bought some awhile back because I had never tried it before either, and I was curious. I took a generous amount on the first time, assuming it would be fun, and I spent the rest of the night vomiting over the toilet.

I think it is considered an ingredient for creating other spirits. There is a warning label on the side stating that they don't recommend taking shots of it like regular alcohol.

Yeah you're meant to dilute it apparently, like with cordial.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you went through this. It sounds really unpleasant. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[fox_wannabe]

Sorry you went through it. I hope you will be ok. Drink a lot of water to get rid of the toxins and just sleep it off. Be careful with impulsive methods of ctb please.
Take care