Story Trying to escape The Wall

[RaincloudSayori]

Hello everyone, I hope that I'm doing this post correctly, but I just figured that I would try and share my story best I can.

I'm an 18 year old in the U.S. who was hit heavy by the online isolation during the period of time that all learning and interaction with peers was online through services like Discord or other messaging apps. I was not always the best at face-to-face communication, but the year before everything happened was the best year for me in that regard (9th grade). I had made steady friends and was enjoying seeing them at school (they also helped me learn a lot about my true identity).

But once everything went online I forgot all of my communication skills and once everything returned in person during my 11th grade year, I didn't return to making friends and meeting up face-to-face. I had developed fear and anxiety about if I would ever be able to communicate normally again in person. As a result, I began to build a metaphorical wall between me and the outside world, choosing to spend all my waking hours talking to people on the internet. Slowly and slowly, my real friends moved on and found other things to do, and it was too late before I realized how lonely it was.

I began to lose all interest in my future in terms of college, job ideas, hobbies, and self love activities like playing my favorite game to relax. I lost myself in the online world, and even after I put my foot down and closed my Discord account and other online accounts, I still feel like I'm floating in a void all by myself. My lack for motivation a future has made me feel as though I have no hope left. I'm stuck behind this wall I made around myself and I can't break free.

I'm beginning to feel that CTB is the only way for me to end this painful cycle of waking up to overwhelming thoughts of self hatred and a lack of desire for anything at all. Yet I hold myself here because my parents would be heartbroken if I left prematurely. I don't have anyone else that would care, but I can't get them to stop caring about me or to hate me no matter what.

And so I'm stuck here behind the Wall, slowly rotting away and letting the worms dig into my brain (inspired by Pink Floyd). I appreciate everyone for reading this, and I hope that I am able to either overcome the thought I'd breaking my parents hearts here or otherwise find a way outside of this wall.

 

[SoftWorries]

When I'm feeling like that I listen to Shine on you crazy diamond part 1, Echos, and shine on you crazy diamond part two. Echos in the middle is just everything. The core of the earth.

 

[CentreMid]

Hello everyone, I hope that I'm doing this post correctly, but I just figured that I would try and share my story best I can.

I'm an 18 year old in the U.S. who was hit heavy by the online isolation during the period of time that all learning and interaction with peers was online through services like Discord or other messaging apps. I was not always the best at face-to-face communication, but the year before everything happened was the best year for me in that regard (9th grade). I had made steady friends and was enjoying seeing them at school (they also helped me learn a lot about my true identity).

But once everything went online I forgot all of my communication skills and once everything returned in person during my 11th grade year, I didn't return to making friends and meeting up face-to-face. I had developed fear and anxiety about if I would ever be able to communicate normally again in person. As a result, I began to build a metaphorical wall between me and the outside world, choosing to spend all my waking hours talking to people on the internet. Slowly and slowly, my real friends moved on and found other things to do, and it was too late before I realized how lonely it was.

I began to lose all interest in my future in terms of college, job ideas, hobbies, and self love activities like playing my favorite game to relax. I lost myself in the online world, and even after I put my foot down and closed my Discord account and other online accounts, I still feel like I'm floating in a void all by myself. My lack for motivation a future has made me feel as though I have no hope left. I'm stuck behind this wall I made around myself and I can't break free.

I'm beginning to feel that CTB is the only way for me to end this painful cycle of waking up to overwhelming thoughts of self hatred and a lack of desire for anything at all. Yet I hold myself here because my parents would be heartbroken if I left prematurely. I don't have anyone else that would care, but I can't get them to stop caring about me or to hate me no matter what.

And so I'm stuck here behind the Wall, slowly rotting away and letting the worms dig into my brain (inspired by Pink Floyd). I appreciate everyone for reading this, and I hope that I am able to either overcome the thought I'd breaking my parents hearts here or otherwise find a way outside of this wall.

I'm very sorry you're feeling like this, it really is horrible to lose interest in everything that once made you so happy. If it's any consolation, the past few years have taken a toll on most, if not all of us, so you're not alone in that regard at least.

As for upsetting your parents, unfortunately there's no easy way around that. It's a difficult pill to swallow (no pun intended haha) but it's something anyone with someone who cares for them has to face when wanting to ctb (myself included. For me, it's my partner). Perhaps you could leave a kind note? I know how tricky it is to not want to upset those around you, but remember, if you choose to ctb, it's inevitable, and the best thing to do would be to minimize the damage and help make their grieving process easier.

Anywho, thank you for sharing your story. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, and I hope you find peace

 

[RaincloudSayori]

I'm very sorry you're feeling like this, it really is horrible to lose interest in everything that once made you so happy. If it's any consolation, the past few years have taken a toll on most, if not all of us, so you're not alone in that regard at least.

As for upsetting your parents, unfortunately there's no easy way around that. It's a difficult pill to swallow (no pun intended haha) but it's something anyone with someone who cares for them has to face when wanting to ctb (myself included. For me, it's my partner). Perhaps you could leave a kind note? I know how tricky it is to not want to upset those around you, but remember, if you choose to ctb, it's inevitable, and the best thing to do would be to minimize the damage and help make their grieving process easier.

Anywho, thank you for sharing your story. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, and I hope you find peace

Thank you for being willing to read that long post and give some kind words to me ehe. I'm hoping I'll eventually be able to find a way to become happy again, but I'm not sure. I've always thought that writing a long and loving letter to my parents would be helpful, but the fact that it still would cause pain is scary to me. I suppose I may just have to wait until a day where the suffering is too great to take on any longer. I'm sorry if I'm making anyone here sad too… I'm going to fall asleep soon, so night night.

 

[CentreMid]

Thank you for being willing to read that long post and give some kind words to me ehe. I'm hoping I'll eventually be able to find a way to become happy again, but I'm not sure. I've always thought that writing a long and loving letter to my parents would be helpful, but the fact that it still would cause pain is scary to me. I suppose I may just have to wait until a day where the suffering is too great to take on any longer. I'm sorry if I'm making anyone here sad too… I'm going to fall asleep soon, so night night.

In regards to waiting for the right day, there is no right or wrong amount of suffering one has to endure in order ctb, there are plenty of people who live relatively healthy and "normal" lives yet choose to die for their own personal reasons.

That being said, only you know when the correct time for you to go is, and if you feel like you need to wait a little longer before ctb or deciding to ctb then that's perfectly fine too. We all process these thoughts and feelings differently, and there are people here who will support you no matter what you decide to do.

Anywho, I should probably head to sleep myself. Sleep well, and g'night

 

[sadToast]

hi im 23 f and i 1000% relate to this but i haven't had hear to close my discord. to be frank i dont really have friends there to talk to let alone any friends really and in contrast i feel like playing video games is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. i know what it feels like to be trapped like that and have the constant lack of motivation and energy. i have terrible people skills and communication skills and i think im agoraphobic because anytime im leaving my house (excluding going to work) i get extremely anxious. would be open to sharing supportive things that have helped me via pm if you ever need someone (:

 

[Archness]

I think for many here, 2020 was the beginning of the end. Covid, Lockdowns, etc.

Personally : Due to my autism, most friendships could only be surface level. Lockdowns made the consequences of that appear much earlier then it would've been otherwise.

It's really great that 9th grade was such a good time for you! Things where already gently going down for me since mid-school.

Honestly, if you whole life will be spent on the "outside", I'd think it'd be fine to die. Pointless lives should have closure instead of being dragged on-and-on. It's understandable to want to ctb. It'd be ideal for things to improve, but that's not reality all the time.

Remember, take as much time as you need do decide. The situation could be hopeless, or there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

In regards to waiting for the right day, there is no right or wrong amount of suffering one has to endure in order ctb, there are plenty of people who live relatively healthy and "normal" lives yet choose to die for their own personal reasons.

That being said, only you know when the correct time for you to go is

I hope your stay on SaSu will go relatively well, but not too long, for either reasons.

 

[RaincloudSayori]

Thank you to everyone for saying such lovely things to me and giving me encouragement. I'm going to try and just push through this last month of Highschool and see how I feel by the end of it. I've put in 12 years, so it would be silly to end it with 25 days left in the last school year.

 

[RaincloudSayori]

hi im 23 f and i 1000% relate to this but i haven't had hear to close my discord. to be frank i dont really have friends there to talk to let alone any friends really and in contrast i feel like playing video games is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. i know what it feels like to be trapped like that and have the constant lack of motivation and energy. i have terrible people skills and communication skills and i think im agoraphobic because anytime im leaving my house (excluding going to work) i get extremely anxious. would be open to sharing supportive things that have helped me via pm if you ever need someone (:

Thank you for your offer of offering help. Once I've been given permission to use pms, then I would appreciate your kindness there. I think I still have a way to go before I'm able to do that though.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me existing really is something so futile and tiring, it's very much understandable wishing to be free from all the suffering that existing brings but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Alice.]

Hey man, this is so relatable, the same thing happened to me. However, if you just try to talk to other people, you may realize it won't be as bad as you think. Sure, maybe it's hard to talk to people, but you can't improve without trying. If you feel scared talking to people in real life, you could first practice using something like ome.tv or Omegle. If you want any guidance, I'll be happy to help you! People are nicer than you think, most of the time.

 

[nightshade00]

I'm really sorry about what you're going through. I can definitely relate to you.

Also, I appreciate the Pink Floyd reference ;)