Venting Uncertainty is worse than anything else.

[ferrous-and-glass]

We're at the whims of fate.

I don't mean like "fate is inescapable and our lives are predestined," no, I mean We (Steel and I) are unable to work, unable to make money, and the passive income We do get is in jeopardy.

This has happened before, this… threat to Our security, but back then, We had a safety net. We weren't completely reliant on it. And when it didn't actually happen, We breathed easier and had hope.

Now, as things in this world get worse and more dangerous, the threat has returned, more real than ever. As it stands, Our family is already struggling under the weight of our needs, and as soon as two years from now, We might lose Our only contribution. Might.

We don't even know yet and We have no say or control over whether or not it happens.

Our family insists that everything will be okay. That We won't be a burden. That We won't be a drain. That they love Us no matter what We provide. We believe them, that they love Us - however, we live in a world, in a place, where not bringing money home is societally equivalent to being a parasite. The family cannot survive on love alone. The family needs food. Safety.

We are one more mouth to feed, and in as little two years, it might be on one income less. Might.

If it turns out that We are losing that income, We plan to stay right up until We get Our last payment, make sure as much of it is safely tucked away for the family, and then finally, finally excuse Ourself from this lifetime.

A little under a year ago I tried to ctb. We were working at the time and the demands of the job were beyond what We could handle. After that attempt, Steel and I agreed that it was pointless to try again, that We wouldn't be able to succeed. We got help. We got intensive therapy. We were okay. Now, We can't see how Our family will survive without Us pulling our weight.

So We're here. We haven't talked to Our family about this, and don't plan to. It scares them. Maybe We're cowards, but We can't watch Our loved ones suffer an existence barely above survival. Better that We go so they can be even a little more comfortable.

I'm scared, more than Steel. He's always been stronger than me, more dedicated, more able to follow through. But this is the best thing I can do for my family if Our ability to contribute is taken like this.

Thank you for listening,
Glass

 

[timf]

There is an advantage in being one who gives, provides, controls. If one is unable to provide, it can make you feel, like you said, like a parasite. However, this view might not take in other factors. Consider the child born with Downs syndrome. These are often born to couples later in life. Today in modern life these children are often aborted. However, their value is often not considered. After the parents die, the siblings often figure out how to care for their dependent brother or sister. This process can make them better people as they learn to show compassion and forbearance.

The dependent child may never know how much they helped their siblings to persevere and develop better character. The care of elderly parents and grandparents is also an example of how difficulties and even "burdens" strengthen and shape us to be better people.

H.G. Wells in his "Outline of History" asked his readers to be kind in trying to understand the Roman emperors by asking them to think how they would have turned out is every wish they had from birth was instantly fulfilled. Prosperity, comfort, and ease can be toxic to humans.

It can be comfortable to be the one who provides. But being one who shows gratitude also has value.

 

[ferrous-and-glass]

Let me see if I understand. We should stay, even though We drain resources, because the extra hardship We bring makes Our family better people?

We are impossibly grateful for Our family, but it's hard to feel valuable when We already have to watch Our loved ones struggle to survive. When We're helpless to do anything to ease their suffering.

When Our mother was pregnant with Us, Our father wanted her to have an abortion because there was a 0.001% chance that We would have Down Syndrome. Obviously she didn't do that, and We don't even have Down Syndrome. We do, however, have a wide range of other conditions. We also don't have siblings who could help take care of Us after Our parents got divorced, after Our father died, or after Our mother lost her job, house, and health.

We aren't asking to be given everything, to have every wish and whim fulfilled. "To live is to suffer. And in suffering, find strength, and purpose. And hope, as you have so many times before." We cannot exist without pain - but if suffering was always worth the strength and joy that came from it, well, this site wouldn't exist for one thing.

Even in your example, disabled children don't always make their families better people. There are many cases of their families abusing or even killing them.

Ease and prosperity may be toxic to humans, but so is suffering and discomfort. We live in a dystopian hellscape, struggling for food, shelter, and safety - isn't that enough suffering to bring out Our family's virtue? Do We really have to make things more difficult for them just by existing? It's hard to see the value in showing gratitude when gratitude doesn't fill bellies or put a roof over heads.

Steel