Valhala
Arcanist
- Jul 30, 2024
- 488
We both did our best at the time, but it simply wasn't enough at that moment, both because of external circumstances and because of our uneasiness and too much desire to make everything work, and not because we weren't for each other, because if we really weren't for each other, we wouldn't have recognized each other in that way, nor would we have given our best back then. Epilogue? Do you think that, unfortunately, it never happened, at least not in the form in which it should have been. Sudden interruptions and cuts are not an epilogue. they are merely emotional reactions conditioned by the situation, which testify that at that moment I/we were not perhaps ready for this intensity of the relationship.
No matter how hard I tried to look at it objectively, a number of objective facts that speak in favor of my thesis from the beginning are inexorably pointed out to me in a detached and emotionless way.
I am aware, looking very objectively at everything that happened, of the numerous mistakes I made involuntarily, as if in a trance, pressed by external circumstances and confused by the intensity of emotions and that incredible, never before experienced attraction that I felt towards you. That intensity of emotions to a considerable extent hindered my ability to make objective conclusions, broke parts of the old, former me and required a completely different approach and strength that I often did not have at the time. we met immediately, at the same moment, but life put everything in completely new frameworks that were unheard of for me until then. The process of transformation began suddenly, like a thunderbolt, but it also required time and patience, which I did not know how to show at the time. After all, and objectively, for some deeper layers of understanding, it certainly takes much more time than we had.
Unfortunately, I can't turn back time, but I still firmly believed that all of this, despite everything that happened, deserves a second chance from both of us, both because of the uniqueness of our connection and because of ourselves. As, however, I was the one who first threw the pebble from which an avalanche of conflicts and inconsistencies then arose, I am aware that I have no right to expect anything, after all. explanations cannot, in that sense, change much. For this reason, and without any intention to justify either myself or my actions, I will try to present a few objective facts that can, if nothing else, perhaps help to see a broader and more objective picture.
I would like if you could forgive me, knowing in advance that I am asking too much because I am not able to forgive myself for much after all, unfortunately.
I want you to know that I really always loved you, from the first moment, strongly and strongly, completely and with all my being, as I have never loved anyone. In you I found everything that I had always dreamed about and even, I must admit, much more than that. From the initial delight in your lucid mind and thoughts, through the explosion of emotions and the gentle, unique touch of our souls, through that, I must say fatal, our first meeting and then the incredible union of our bodies that we together called a separate entity. Later, our mutual growth by going through various stages only strengthened the realization of the uniqueness of our union, which was perhaps even too strong for the profaneness of the times to which we are exposed on a daily basis.
To fall on my knees in front of you and ask for your forgiveness for everything, even if you had just spat in my face and I could understand it, I deserved it. Even scarier than the weight of the situation, no matter how difficult it is, is the realization that one really understands one's own responsibility for it. That responsibility is somewhat liberating, but it also represents a huge burden that needs to be dealt with over time and processed in an appropriate way. Whatever I write after this, I think I can represent only a kind of superstructure on what has been said so far, which is essentially crucial.
You experienced many hasty reactions on my part as rejection of you, because it actually looked like that, but it was never really the case. I behaved foolishly and thoughtlessly, sometimes idiotically, I reacted impulsively, with those reactions, unfortunately, I admit it, I spared neither you nor myself. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry that it affected you and us first of all. empathy towards myself regarding this. Some reasons are clear to me, but at the same time they represent the cause of my exasperation towards myself. Somewhere deep inside I was aware from the first moment that I could never give up on you, it would be the same as if I gave up on myself. And for this I think that no additional explanations are needed.
All those hasty moves and retreats on my part were just the cry of the desperate, an attempt to shake things up and somehow reset them so that they could continue on, differently and on other grounds. How damned I did not understand the situation then and I did not have the strength or patience to stand above everything and see through my own impatience, which, despite the fact that it was initiated solely by the unbearable intensity of emotions and desire for you, was still the main cause of my hasty recklessness. I often In recent days, I asked myself if I really, at some moments, tried to escape from everything? In my bewilderment with everything that happened so suddenly, I made some hasty moves, the deeper background of which lies at the base of the current misjudgment that things cannot change for the better. Then, when open communication was the only possible way, I made the fatal mistake of withdrawing, somewhere deep inside me expecting that communication would somehow start by itself. I know that all this sounds a bit irrational and incoherent but I definitely wanted and expected affirmative things by making hasty and desperate moves. I was thinking if maybe ego was also the cause of my reactions, certainly to some extent it was. When I look back now, it seems to me that once we both behaved like some children in love, a little yogi and taken aback by those emotions with which they don't know exactly what and how to do. It's a shame that often, the most sincere and pure, unadulterated feelings can lead to such disagreements. Nevertheless, I am of the opinion that as long as sincere feelings are the cause of disagreements, no matter how insurmountable those disagreements sometimes seem, it is possible to understand and overcome them together because honesty is the basis of everything, and honesty between us has always been present, from the first moment and always, no matter how difficult and seemingly insurmountable things may seem. Let my previous life experiences in our case unfortunately did not mean absolutely to me nothing, because the intensity and power of what I encountered when I found you exceeded everything I could think of, let alone what I might have once experienced in my life. With you, everything, absolutely everything, was something completely new and different, deeper, stronger, more intense and incomparable to anything else in my life so far. That recognition of us happened suddenly and completely, suddenly and hence the rush in everything, in some panic fear of losing something like that and someone like you. Paradoxically, it was precisely this acceleration, along with numerous other, external, aggravating circumstances and pressures, that contributed to making hasty moves and wrong decisions on my part. I remember how you mentioned several times how the two of us are always in some extremes, either positive, bringing us closer or the negative ones, by which we move away from each other. too intense of our connection with which It is not easy to handle at all. If we look at the people around us, and we have already analyzed them many times in this sense (I am thinking of some, above all, emotional relationships and connections), it is rare where we can come across something even just similar to what happened to us when we met, recognized and touched for the first time. To restrain and harmonize such a force requires great patience and wisdom, an experience I deliberately do not mention in this context because experiences of this kind are rare and quite unique. now we really have some experience in that sense, but it is inapplicable in any, hypothetical future case, because this happens only once or, for most, not once in a lifetime. The uniqueness of this difficult but rich experience is potentially applicable only in this case of ours. If our paths are permanently separated, which (I really mean, know and feel) would be an immense loss for both of us, it all remains completely inapplicable. You know, I still feel deep down that some channel of communication between us should survive as long as we exist, unconditionally and regardless of everything.
Of course, more than anything, I would primarily like us to live life together, in one way or another, with each other, under any circumstances and anywhere, so that we can support each other and protect each other from the profaneness of everything that surrounds us. obstacles that we can encounter during life. Maria, I told you once that I never really wanted offspring with any woman because I did not meet the one who really meant everything to me in every sense, without reservation and completely until the moment I met you. I met. I met the love of my life so, under some difficult and strange circumstances that I was not able to face properly in such a short time. Everything, absolutely everything was so different, unreal and magical that in the first moments I really wasn't even able to understand it. It was a difficult and painful process, a process of facing myself, my own weaknesses, traumas of the past and finally my own mistakes that I made unconsciously due to external circumstances and all that chaotic and too intense beginning.
If that is, however, currently unattainable and however you decide to go further on your life's path, let's keep at least that one, just our channel of communication and be there for each other in some way, in any way and despite everything.
From the first moment we met, I felt that the depth and strength of our connection exceeds all possible conventional frameworks that would eventually try to "condense" it into, it often defies logic and common sense, so sometimes even we ourselves are unable to fully understand it.
I am terribly hurt by all my mistakes and the realization that something unique may have been wasted, something that can happen only once in a lifetime and to most people never. I am sure of what I am writing now and there are numerous reasons that confirm it multiple times. I am grateful to fate that we met and that she gave me the opportunity to experience such completeness, grateful for showing me that you still exist, that it is possible that there is someone like you, that it is all very possible and on the other hand, I am bitter about my own recklessness and the mistakes I made and because of which I allowed something so precious to collapse at one moment. All true things in life happen suddenly, unexpectedly, when perhaps we least count on it and when we sometimes even start living with the conviction that such a thing is actually impossible.
I remember all our long, exhaustive analyzes of you, yourself, us...I remember your unerring and precise analysis and your very special feeling for details and nuances, I especially remember your introspection in the third person when you verbalized the chronology of our events, I remember the explosion of impressions and emotions you awakened in me with your verbalization. When I remember how close we were to each other in those days, I felt that we just one more step away from our happiness, our togetherness, about which we dreamed and talked so much. The images of our meeting, our touches and kisses, all those wonderful and different nights of ours, intertwined with that inconceivable, unique passion, love and togetherness, come back to me.
With bitterness, I also recall some of my fears, confusion and pressures that I was exposed to in those days, all my own restlessness and worry due to fear for us and our future, I remember the feverish search for a solution and not finding an answer at that moment. I also remember my desperate, wrong moves in those moments, my fear, impatience and feeling of no way out. Then, after that stupidity of mine, there was a period of pain and silence, I was torn all that time, torn by my own pain and wondering how are you, how do you feel? The burden of wrong decisions took its toll, I loved you, I couldn't do without you and I did what I did, against you and against myself, against us. I have to pay with tears for every second of your pain that it hurt and tore me then and it still hurts today, unbearably, far more than my own pain. When I just remember how wonderful, dedicated and gentle you were and how much we just loved each other. A lot of things conspired through us then, but I am aware that the biggest part of the responsibility for some bad outcomes is precisely on me, I can hardly understand even myself and I can't justify it at all.
And I really know that love by itself cannot exist for me if it is not love for you, I know that out of everything and everyone in this entire icy and profane universe, you mean the only thing to me.
Your "no" means more to me than anyone's "yes", your anger and rage more than anyone's love and tenderness, your distancing more than anyone's approach, your coldness more than anyone's warmth. In some strange way, I love even this pain of mine that tears me apart because of us. Maybe this is how I try to repay all my mistakes that I made in relation to us and which, now I understand it quite clearly, I will never be able to forgive myself.
After all, even that pain connects me with you and makes me aware of the extent and extent to which we actually belong to each other, regardless of what and how happened in our lives and however much life's storms, situations and internal fractures seem to distance us from each other. I have never fully managed to fathom the depth and core of our connection, all those strange intertwinings and similarities between ourselves and our lives that we lived until the moment of our meeting. the invisible ties that connect us, our lives and our destinies, the way and environment in which we grew up and matured with some similar, key things that happened to us in our lives so far. That incredible rootedness and inexplicable, mutual feeling of connection with our families, as well as that strange possibility to understand each other without words, from the inside. You remember how I told you with some kind of inner discomfort about that archetypal image that I clearly saw in yourself; - you in long white in a dress, smiling, your father and mother set the table on the terrace of that cottage and we are preparing to have dinner together. Then I see how I approach you and how we hug each other smiling. We are together. descends, the air is fresh, fragrant. And everything exudes some soothing serenity and happiness.
I also remember your desire to go to my mom's together and how much later you felt guilty that we didn't go in the end. There are many deep, unfathomable connections between us and our lives, some strange things whose even partial understanding implies so much.
I also remembered that incredible openness of ours that proved to be healing and stunning so many times. Indeed, we both "bared" in front of each other several times and each time after such openness we felt closer and closer to each other. I will be completely open and honest this time too, and I will try to explain to you how I experienced that panicky fear of breaking up and losing you, how I went through that existential icy hell that I tried at all costs to suppress and explain it to myself other reasons.
The first time it happened to me was the very first time we met, back then, in July 2023. When we went out into the street, you remember I wasn't feeling well, my head was spinning, my heart started beating fast and I had to crouch down for a moment to regain my composure. Then you, completely unexpected for me, crouched next to me and took my hand, in just a few moments everything passed as if by hand, by your hand I was very moved and blown away by that gesture of yours at the time, but in the general explosion of impressions that our first meeting caused, it then passed without any subsequent and deeper, personal introspection on my part. pass me by
After a few days, I went to pick you up and we were together, finally.. when I went to Hungary, alone, that day it happened to me again, I called you then, and I remember how you told me to drink water, eat something sweet, take off my shoes and relax a bit. I soon felt better, as always you had such a magical soothing effect on me. What I kept silent and never told you was that every time before it happened, it came to my mind that we were separating and that we were no longer together, that feeling scared me as much as the very thought of telling you about it and talking openly about it scared me. Now I know how wrong I was that I never told you about it. During our conflicts and temporary separations, it happened to me several times, always harder and harder, especially because we didn't contact each other and I couldn't calm down in that way, in your presence.
I remember how happy I was, like a child, when I discovered the characteristic mimicry of your face, those unconscious, unique lip movements, that charming and special smile of yours, your intonation and the way you pronounce certain words, and I realized to what extent it makes us closer to each other. And our communication with very few or very few words, when even the specific intonation gave so much meaning; "M....., M....., M....." - "Z....., Z....., Z.....", "M....." - "Z.....", or "M....." - "Please?". I also loved our "new speech" and our specific idioms and coins with which we built our unique way of communication; microregion, entity, Orient, all kinds of production..
Don't judge me..for all my outbursts and for those "leaves" of mine..for all the things that shouldn't have happened and happened and for the things that should have happened and didn't..I'm not perfect, I know that..I'm just a human being, your man who loves you more, the most, more than anyone so far..someone who with you learned to face himself..with his own shortcomings, mistakes and stupidities..learned how with love you can grow and fly and how much love can hurt.. he became different and better, he became what he had always been, deep inside.. and that door, hidden deep inside me, could only be opened by you and no one else, ever.. you, exactly as you are, with all your virtues, flaws and peculiarities, fears .. just like that, unique and unrepeatable, wonderful, beautiful, so special and different..completely mine and only mine, because what is in you I have always recognized in myself..Yes, mine, even when apparently you are not, simply and forever only mine because I, in my archetypal and ontological essence, can truly only be yours.
After all, I may not be able to promise you that we will be together forever, despite the fact that you are not the most valuable to me, but the only valuable and the only one that exists for me, but whether we will be together again at this moment, unfortunately, really does not depend on me anymore. However, I can confirm the following for sure: you will definitely remain the only, first and last Woman in my life, Woman with a capital "W", my only true and true love, the one without whom I can no longer imagine my own life, the one after which I can't even think of another, the one after which I didn't have or want any other. Self-evident loyalty, do you remember...? I remain forever yours, with or without you until the very end, you can be absolutely sure of that.
Sometimes I think that everything that has been happening these past few months is just a bad dream and that one sunny morning I will simply wake up next to you, hug and kiss you tightly. We will sink together into the entity and do it that way, in our own way, long, passionately and gently. Then I will tell you about my nightmare and I know, we will laugh at everything like so many times before until our stomachs hurt from laughing. how is it possible that I dream such horrible things. When I get out of these mind-numbing thoughts, the sobering reality warns me with its disappointing relentlessness that this is exactly what is really happening now. I try to understand and accept everything as it is, no matter how difficult and painful it is, to bear the heavy burden of my own responsibility for all the mistakes I made against you and us, against myself. The only comfort in these gloomy days and even more gloomy ones at night is when you appear and call me through sleep. You do it very often, and almost always everything starts from this separation of ours, which even in a dream is very pressing and painful. Then we talk, most often I try to explain to you how strongly, immeasurably I love you. Usually my mom is also somewhere nearby, mostly it always takes place in our house. angry at myself for everything. And it's always the same, first I lightly touch your lips with my lips, our hot breath suddenly connects and at that moment we start kissing long and gently and then harder, stronger and wilder. Both of us then suddenly feel that we have finally left all the bad things behind and that we are together again, completely and entirely, this time inseparable and forever.
It's interesting that in those moments I often quite clearly felt the taste of your lips, the intense taste of vanilla, the taste and smell of those rubber children's toys that sometimes smell faintly of vanilla. Mostly then I wake up with a sense of peace and tranquility, everything is so real and real that it usually takes me a few minutes until I realize that it was all just a dream after all.
Parts of your sentences slip past me like sequences, like fragments of a movie sped up, almost beyond recognition. Colorful images of past events, the color of your voice, your involuntary movements intertwine, in some crazy rhythm...
No matter how hard I tried to look at it objectively, a number of objective facts that speak in favor of my thesis from the beginning are inexorably pointed out to me in a detached and emotionless way.
I am aware, looking very objectively at everything that happened, of the numerous mistakes I made involuntarily, as if in a trance, pressed by external circumstances and confused by the intensity of emotions and that incredible, never before experienced attraction that I felt towards you. That intensity of emotions to a considerable extent hindered my ability to make objective conclusions, broke parts of the old, former me and required a completely different approach and strength that I often did not have at the time. we met immediately, at the same moment, but life put everything in completely new frameworks that were unheard of for me until then. The process of transformation began suddenly, like a thunderbolt, but it also required time and patience, which I did not know how to show at the time. After all, and objectively, for some deeper layers of understanding, it certainly takes much more time than we had.
Unfortunately, I can't turn back time, but I still firmly believed that all of this, despite everything that happened, deserves a second chance from both of us, both because of the uniqueness of our connection and because of ourselves. As, however, I was the one who first threw the pebble from which an avalanche of conflicts and inconsistencies then arose, I am aware that I have no right to expect anything, after all. explanations cannot, in that sense, change much. For this reason, and without any intention to justify either myself or my actions, I will try to present a few objective facts that can, if nothing else, perhaps help to see a broader and more objective picture.
I would like if you could forgive me, knowing in advance that I am asking too much because I am not able to forgive myself for much after all, unfortunately.
I want you to know that I really always loved you, from the first moment, strongly and strongly, completely and with all my being, as I have never loved anyone. In you I found everything that I had always dreamed about and even, I must admit, much more than that. From the initial delight in your lucid mind and thoughts, through the explosion of emotions and the gentle, unique touch of our souls, through that, I must say fatal, our first meeting and then the incredible union of our bodies that we together called a separate entity. Later, our mutual growth by going through various stages only strengthened the realization of the uniqueness of our union, which was perhaps even too strong for the profaneness of the times to which we are exposed on a daily basis.
To fall on my knees in front of you and ask for your forgiveness for everything, even if you had just spat in my face and I could understand it, I deserved it. Even scarier than the weight of the situation, no matter how difficult it is, is the realization that one really understands one's own responsibility for it. That responsibility is somewhat liberating, but it also represents a huge burden that needs to be dealt with over time and processed in an appropriate way. Whatever I write after this, I think I can represent only a kind of superstructure on what has been said so far, which is essentially crucial.
You experienced many hasty reactions on my part as rejection of you, because it actually looked like that, but it was never really the case. I behaved foolishly and thoughtlessly, sometimes idiotically, I reacted impulsively, with those reactions, unfortunately, I admit it, I spared neither you nor myself. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry that it affected you and us first of all. empathy towards myself regarding this. Some reasons are clear to me, but at the same time they represent the cause of my exasperation towards myself. Somewhere deep inside I was aware from the first moment that I could never give up on you, it would be the same as if I gave up on myself. And for this I think that no additional explanations are needed.
All those hasty moves and retreats on my part were just the cry of the desperate, an attempt to shake things up and somehow reset them so that they could continue on, differently and on other grounds. How damned I did not understand the situation then and I did not have the strength or patience to stand above everything and see through my own impatience, which, despite the fact that it was initiated solely by the unbearable intensity of emotions and desire for you, was still the main cause of my hasty recklessness. I often In recent days, I asked myself if I really, at some moments, tried to escape from everything? In my bewilderment with everything that happened so suddenly, I made some hasty moves, the deeper background of which lies at the base of the current misjudgment that things cannot change for the better. Then, when open communication was the only possible way, I made the fatal mistake of withdrawing, somewhere deep inside me expecting that communication would somehow start by itself. I know that all this sounds a bit irrational and incoherent but I definitely wanted and expected affirmative things by making hasty and desperate moves. I was thinking if maybe ego was also the cause of my reactions, certainly to some extent it was. When I look back now, it seems to me that once we both behaved like some children in love, a little yogi and taken aback by those emotions with which they don't know exactly what and how to do. It's a shame that often, the most sincere and pure, unadulterated feelings can lead to such disagreements. Nevertheless, I am of the opinion that as long as sincere feelings are the cause of disagreements, no matter how insurmountable those disagreements sometimes seem, it is possible to understand and overcome them together because honesty is the basis of everything, and honesty between us has always been present, from the first moment and always, no matter how difficult and seemingly insurmountable things may seem. Let my previous life experiences in our case unfortunately did not mean absolutely to me nothing, because the intensity and power of what I encountered when I found you exceeded everything I could think of, let alone what I might have once experienced in my life. With you, everything, absolutely everything, was something completely new and different, deeper, stronger, more intense and incomparable to anything else in my life so far. That recognition of us happened suddenly and completely, suddenly and hence the rush in everything, in some panic fear of losing something like that and someone like you. Paradoxically, it was precisely this acceleration, along with numerous other, external, aggravating circumstances and pressures, that contributed to making hasty moves and wrong decisions on my part. I remember how you mentioned several times how the two of us are always in some extremes, either positive, bringing us closer or the negative ones, by which we move away from each other. too intense of our connection with which It is not easy to handle at all. If we look at the people around us, and we have already analyzed them many times in this sense (I am thinking of some, above all, emotional relationships and connections), it is rare where we can come across something even just similar to what happened to us when we met, recognized and touched for the first time. To restrain and harmonize such a force requires great patience and wisdom, an experience I deliberately do not mention in this context because experiences of this kind are rare and quite unique. now we really have some experience in that sense, but it is inapplicable in any, hypothetical future case, because this happens only once or, for most, not once in a lifetime. The uniqueness of this difficult but rich experience is potentially applicable only in this case of ours. If our paths are permanently separated, which (I really mean, know and feel) would be an immense loss for both of us, it all remains completely inapplicable. You know, I still feel deep down that some channel of communication between us should survive as long as we exist, unconditionally and regardless of everything.
Of course, more than anything, I would primarily like us to live life together, in one way or another, with each other, under any circumstances and anywhere, so that we can support each other and protect each other from the profaneness of everything that surrounds us. obstacles that we can encounter during life. Maria, I told you once that I never really wanted offspring with any woman because I did not meet the one who really meant everything to me in every sense, without reservation and completely until the moment I met you. I met. I met the love of my life so, under some difficult and strange circumstances that I was not able to face properly in such a short time. Everything, absolutely everything was so different, unreal and magical that in the first moments I really wasn't even able to understand it. It was a difficult and painful process, a process of facing myself, my own weaknesses, traumas of the past and finally my own mistakes that I made unconsciously due to external circumstances and all that chaotic and too intense beginning.
If that is, however, currently unattainable and however you decide to go further on your life's path, let's keep at least that one, just our channel of communication and be there for each other in some way, in any way and despite everything.
From the first moment we met, I felt that the depth and strength of our connection exceeds all possible conventional frameworks that would eventually try to "condense" it into, it often defies logic and common sense, so sometimes even we ourselves are unable to fully understand it.
I am terribly hurt by all my mistakes and the realization that something unique may have been wasted, something that can happen only once in a lifetime and to most people never. I am sure of what I am writing now and there are numerous reasons that confirm it multiple times. I am grateful to fate that we met and that she gave me the opportunity to experience such completeness, grateful for showing me that you still exist, that it is possible that there is someone like you, that it is all very possible and on the other hand, I am bitter about my own recklessness and the mistakes I made and because of which I allowed something so precious to collapse at one moment. All true things in life happen suddenly, unexpectedly, when perhaps we least count on it and when we sometimes even start living with the conviction that such a thing is actually impossible.
I remember all our long, exhaustive analyzes of you, yourself, us...I remember your unerring and precise analysis and your very special feeling for details and nuances, I especially remember your introspection in the third person when you verbalized the chronology of our events, I remember the explosion of impressions and emotions you awakened in me with your verbalization. When I remember how close we were to each other in those days, I felt that we just one more step away from our happiness, our togetherness, about which we dreamed and talked so much. The images of our meeting, our touches and kisses, all those wonderful and different nights of ours, intertwined with that inconceivable, unique passion, love and togetherness, come back to me.
With bitterness, I also recall some of my fears, confusion and pressures that I was exposed to in those days, all my own restlessness and worry due to fear for us and our future, I remember the feverish search for a solution and not finding an answer at that moment. I also remember my desperate, wrong moves in those moments, my fear, impatience and feeling of no way out. Then, after that stupidity of mine, there was a period of pain and silence, I was torn all that time, torn by my own pain and wondering how are you, how do you feel? The burden of wrong decisions took its toll, I loved you, I couldn't do without you and I did what I did, against you and against myself, against us. I have to pay with tears for every second of your pain that it hurt and tore me then and it still hurts today, unbearably, far more than my own pain. When I just remember how wonderful, dedicated and gentle you were and how much we just loved each other. A lot of things conspired through us then, but I am aware that the biggest part of the responsibility for some bad outcomes is precisely on me, I can hardly understand even myself and I can't justify it at all.
And I really know that love by itself cannot exist for me if it is not love for you, I know that out of everything and everyone in this entire icy and profane universe, you mean the only thing to me.
Your "no" means more to me than anyone's "yes", your anger and rage more than anyone's love and tenderness, your distancing more than anyone's approach, your coldness more than anyone's warmth. In some strange way, I love even this pain of mine that tears me apart because of us. Maybe this is how I try to repay all my mistakes that I made in relation to us and which, now I understand it quite clearly, I will never be able to forgive myself.
After all, even that pain connects me with you and makes me aware of the extent and extent to which we actually belong to each other, regardless of what and how happened in our lives and however much life's storms, situations and internal fractures seem to distance us from each other. I have never fully managed to fathom the depth and core of our connection, all those strange intertwinings and similarities between ourselves and our lives that we lived until the moment of our meeting. the invisible ties that connect us, our lives and our destinies, the way and environment in which we grew up and matured with some similar, key things that happened to us in our lives so far. That incredible rootedness and inexplicable, mutual feeling of connection with our families, as well as that strange possibility to understand each other without words, from the inside. You remember how I told you with some kind of inner discomfort about that archetypal image that I clearly saw in yourself; - you in long white in a dress, smiling, your father and mother set the table on the terrace of that cottage and we are preparing to have dinner together. Then I see how I approach you and how we hug each other smiling. We are together. descends, the air is fresh, fragrant. And everything exudes some soothing serenity and happiness.
I also remember your desire to go to my mom's together and how much later you felt guilty that we didn't go in the end. There are many deep, unfathomable connections between us and our lives, some strange things whose even partial understanding implies so much.
I also remembered that incredible openness of ours that proved to be healing and stunning so many times. Indeed, we both "bared" in front of each other several times and each time after such openness we felt closer and closer to each other. I will be completely open and honest this time too, and I will try to explain to you how I experienced that panicky fear of breaking up and losing you, how I went through that existential icy hell that I tried at all costs to suppress and explain it to myself other reasons.
The first time it happened to me was the very first time we met, back then, in July 2023. When we went out into the street, you remember I wasn't feeling well, my head was spinning, my heart started beating fast and I had to crouch down for a moment to regain my composure. Then you, completely unexpected for me, crouched next to me and took my hand, in just a few moments everything passed as if by hand, by your hand I was very moved and blown away by that gesture of yours at the time, but in the general explosion of impressions that our first meeting caused, it then passed without any subsequent and deeper, personal introspection on my part. pass me by
After a few days, I went to pick you up and we were together, finally.. when I went to Hungary, alone, that day it happened to me again, I called you then, and I remember how you told me to drink water, eat something sweet, take off my shoes and relax a bit. I soon felt better, as always you had such a magical soothing effect on me. What I kept silent and never told you was that every time before it happened, it came to my mind that we were separating and that we were no longer together, that feeling scared me as much as the very thought of telling you about it and talking openly about it scared me. Now I know how wrong I was that I never told you about it. During our conflicts and temporary separations, it happened to me several times, always harder and harder, especially because we didn't contact each other and I couldn't calm down in that way, in your presence.
I remember how happy I was, like a child, when I discovered the characteristic mimicry of your face, those unconscious, unique lip movements, that charming and special smile of yours, your intonation and the way you pronounce certain words, and I realized to what extent it makes us closer to each other. And our communication with very few or very few words, when even the specific intonation gave so much meaning; "M....., M....., M....." - "Z....., Z....., Z.....", "M....." - "Z.....", or "M....." - "Please?". I also loved our "new speech" and our specific idioms and coins with which we built our unique way of communication; microregion, entity, Orient, all kinds of production..
Don't judge me..for all my outbursts and for those "leaves" of mine..for all the things that shouldn't have happened and happened and for the things that should have happened and didn't..I'm not perfect, I know that..I'm just a human being, your man who loves you more, the most, more than anyone so far..someone who with you learned to face himself..with his own shortcomings, mistakes and stupidities..learned how with love you can grow and fly and how much love can hurt.. he became different and better, he became what he had always been, deep inside.. and that door, hidden deep inside me, could only be opened by you and no one else, ever.. you, exactly as you are, with all your virtues, flaws and peculiarities, fears .. just like that, unique and unrepeatable, wonderful, beautiful, so special and different..completely mine and only mine, because what is in you I have always recognized in myself..Yes, mine, even when apparently you are not, simply and forever only mine because I, in my archetypal and ontological essence, can truly only be yours.
After all, I may not be able to promise you that we will be together forever, despite the fact that you are not the most valuable to me, but the only valuable and the only one that exists for me, but whether we will be together again at this moment, unfortunately, really does not depend on me anymore. However, I can confirm the following for sure: you will definitely remain the only, first and last Woman in my life, Woman with a capital "W", my only true and true love, the one without whom I can no longer imagine my own life, the one after which I can't even think of another, the one after which I didn't have or want any other. Self-evident loyalty, do you remember...? I remain forever yours, with or without you until the very end, you can be absolutely sure of that.
Sometimes I think that everything that has been happening these past few months is just a bad dream and that one sunny morning I will simply wake up next to you, hug and kiss you tightly. We will sink together into the entity and do it that way, in our own way, long, passionately and gently. Then I will tell you about my nightmare and I know, we will laugh at everything like so many times before until our stomachs hurt from laughing. how is it possible that I dream such horrible things. When I get out of these mind-numbing thoughts, the sobering reality warns me with its disappointing relentlessness that this is exactly what is really happening now. I try to understand and accept everything as it is, no matter how difficult and painful it is, to bear the heavy burden of my own responsibility for all the mistakes I made against you and us, against myself. The only comfort in these gloomy days and even more gloomy ones at night is when you appear and call me through sleep. You do it very often, and almost always everything starts from this separation of ours, which even in a dream is very pressing and painful. Then we talk, most often I try to explain to you how strongly, immeasurably I love you. Usually my mom is also somewhere nearby, mostly it always takes place in our house. angry at myself for everything. And it's always the same, first I lightly touch your lips with my lips, our hot breath suddenly connects and at that moment we start kissing long and gently and then harder, stronger and wilder. Both of us then suddenly feel that we have finally left all the bad things behind and that we are together again, completely and entirely, this time inseparable and forever.
It's interesting that in those moments I often quite clearly felt the taste of your lips, the intense taste of vanilla, the taste and smell of those rubber children's toys that sometimes smell faintly of vanilla. Mostly then I wake up with a sense of peace and tranquility, everything is so real and real that it usually takes me a few minutes until I realize that it was all just a dream after all.
Parts of your sentences slip past me like sequences, like fragments of a movie sped up, almost beyond recognition. Colorful images of past events, the color of your voice, your involuntary movements intertwine, in some crazy rhythm...
