SnowWhite
Semi-Professional Disappointment
- Jan 16, 2020
- 154
Hey all.
I haven't really been online recently due to how much of a mess January and February were for me and a failed CTB attempt. But hey, I'm still around so I thought I'd vent my frustrations regarding the failure to CTB and just recent events in general.
So as some of you may know, I had planned to CTB in the middle of February via the SN method. At first I was worried that I wouldn't be able to safety take an anti-emetic due to being on two other forms of medication (Due to suffering from epilepsy and Bi-Polar disorder). I had heard that some people had suffered seizures after the SN took them under, and while not a problem for most, this would likely alert my mother who, due to me having epilepsy, would run to my room to check up on me if she heard thrashing and bashing.
Luckily, thanks to some research guided by some other SS members, I found out that I could take a olanzapine (Zyprexa) without majorly increasing my risk of suffering a seizure. All was looking up for my upcoming exit, I ordered the SN and Zyprexa which were due to arrive by the 29th of Jan and the 3rd of Feb respectively. I quit my job, which I had only been working at for about 3 months anyway, and started to distance myself from what social circles I was still a part of. I then spent the end of January mostly in the local pub.
Things then took an unexpected direction, my mum found the SN. Due to my past experiences with drugs, she thought that this was something that I'd ordered in order to seek a high or combine with other drugs I used to take. My mum threw the SN out and that's all I heard from her about it. However, she contacted my dad about it, who these days spends 5/7 days a week on the channel islands. My dad is very good at getting information out of me and, due in part to me opening up about my suicidal thoughts to him in the past, put two and two together rather quickly.My dad started to monitor my mood whenever he was home and asked my mum to do the same. (As an interesting aside, my dad would later tell me he didn't tell my mum why I ordered the SN as he knows how badly my mum treats me as things stand).
My dad laid off the pressure for me to find another job until the start of March, as of writing this I'm currently working as a travelling stock manager around the mainland of the UK. As for my old social circles, I reconnected with a few people I used to hang out with but I just spend most of my free-time at pubs in which ever town I've been posted in for work that week. My dad and the few friends, both online and offline, are the only things really keeping me around anymore. I want to try to recover but I feel like I've fucked myself over by screwing up my education when I was in school which has left me trapped in jobs I hate. My current job for context makes me work 6 to 14 hours a day. I've lost a majority of my friends due to distancing myself from them but can't be bothered to put the effort in to reconnect.
As things stand, I don't know where I plan to go from here. I might travel to New Zealand to live with my grandparents in order to escape my mum to see if that makes much of a difference but I doubt that it will, and I'd have to wait until the end of this year. One alternative is that I try to ctb again, either by going to beachy head or trying to get away with ordering SN, but I don't even know what my dad would do if i got foiled again.. I don't see myself being able to stick with this job long-term, which is what I'd need to move out, and as previously mentioned moving out will probably make an insignificant difference.
So yeah, now you guys are up to speed. Sorry for my absence and love you all.
I haven't really been online recently due to how much of a mess January and February were for me and a failed CTB attempt. But hey, I'm still around so I thought I'd vent my frustrations regarding the failure to CTB and just recent events in general.
So as some of you may know, I had planned to CTB in the middle of February via the SN method. At first I was worried that I wouldn't be able to safety take an anti-emetic due to being on two other forms of medication (Due to suffering from epilepsy and Bi-Polar disorder). I had heard that some people had suffered seizures after the SN took them under, and while not a problem for most, this would likely alert my mother who, due to me having epilepsy, would run to my room to check up on me if she heard thrashing and bashing.
Luckily, thanks to some research guided by some other SS members, I found out that I could take a olanzapine (Zyprexa) without majorly increasing my risk of suffering a seizure. All was looking up for my upcoming exit, I ordered the SN and Zyprexa which were due to arrive by the 29th of Jan and the 3rd of Feb respectively. I quit my job, which I had only been working at for about 3 months anyway, and started to distance myself from what social circles I was still a part of. I then spent the end of January mostly in the local pub.
Things then took an unexpected direction, my mum found the SN. Due to my past experiences with drugs, she thought that this was something that I'd ordered in order to seek a high or combine with other drugs I used to take. My mum threw the SN out and that's all I heard from her about it. However, she contacted my dad about it, who these days spends 5/7 days a week on the channel islands. My dad is very good at getting information out of me and, due in part to me opening up about my suicidal thoughts to him in the past, put two and two together rather quickly.My dad started to monitor my mood whenever he was home and asked my mum to do the same. (As an interesting aside, my dad would later tell me he didn't tell my mum why I ordered the SN as he knows how badly my mum treats me as things stand).
My dad laid off the pressure for me to find another job until the start of March, as of writing this I'm currently working as a travelling stock manager around the mainland of the UK. As for my old social circles, I reconnected with a few people I used to hang out with but I just spend most of my free-time at pubs in which ever town I've been posted in for work that week. My dad and the few friends, both online and offline, are the only things really keeping me around anymore. I want to try to recover but I feel like I've fucked myself over by screwing up my education when I was in school which has left me trapped in jobs I hate. My current job for context makes me work 6 to 14 hours a day. I've lost a majority of my friends due to distancing myself from them but can't be bothered to put the effort in to reconnect.
As things stand, I don't know where I plan to go from here. I might travel to New Zealand to live with my grandparents in order to escape my mum to see if that makes much of a difference but I doubt that it will, and I'd have to wait until the end of this year. One alternative is that I try to ctb again, either by going to beachy head or trying to get away with ordering SN, but I don't even know what my dad would do if i got foiled again.. I don't see myself being able to stick with this job long-term, which is what I'd need to move out, and as previously mentioned moving out will probably make an insignificant difference.
So yeah, now you guys are up to speed. Sorry for my absence and love you all.
