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Leve

Leve

Member
Sep 21, 2025
9
Anyone else have this? I know deep down I want to get better and live a 'happy' life, but I'm not so sure I even believe in that. I know I should be alive for the people in my life and be healthy for them, but self-destruction is all I really want to do. I simultaneously want to get better, but also want to get worse, keep cutting, remove myself more from people and dissociate more, and eventually ctb. I see myself as sort of in an in-between state. Anyone else relate to this? Any advice on how to solve this? I got sent to the hospital the other day and have some recommendations for doctors and therapists, I'm just procrastinating on picking one (or even researching them)

-Leve
 
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qwert3948

qwert3948

Student
Apr 24, 2023
113
i very much relate. i feel like i just want to stop feeling this way, but i'm too scared to make any choice about it.
i don't want to comit to getting better and get disapointed, but i'm not ready to kill myself either. i just stand on the pain i feel without doing anything significant about it and life just carries me on
 
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angelz08

angelz08

Member
Mar 3, 2025
17
heavily relate. I'm not sure where the wanting to get worse part stems from for me but its very present and I feel odd bringing it up to professionals bc I feel like they won't get it.
 
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Leve

Leve

Member
Sep 21, 2025
9
heavily relate. I'm not sure where the wanting to get worse part stems from for me but it's very present and I feel odd bringing it up to professionals bc I feel like they won't get it.
For me I think it's that I'm used to being sick and have become comfortable. Also deep down I think there's a part of me that wants to get worse so that way it's easier to "let go" of life. If that makes sense. I think professionals might get it. I'm not too sure as I haven't brought it up with any, but it doesn't sound too odd
 
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kazatte

kazatte

and so, love has come to an end
Sep 1, 2025
100
YES. i get you completely. deep down i want to get better but i also don't know if it's possible for me. i also just kind of feel like i deserve to suffer, if that makes sense? like im fine with getting worse because i deserve it. there is a part of me that wants to try and get better but its really scary
 
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