Venting warning: fucked

[HopeIsALie]

Please dear god, what is happening... it hurts so much, everything, fucking fuck! What the fuck do I do, what can i do... why is ctb so hard, why can't i just do it now, why must i need yada and this and that and bs?? i want to carve into myself, leave myself mutilated, slice off this nasty, disgusting thing people call a body like scraping the fat off of pork, down to the bone. i want to leave my face unrecognizable, fuck peace, i want to be tortured. i dont care how it happens anymore, i dont even know why the hell im typing this, there is no point and no positivity to this post, just total bullshit! i finally have a plan but it cant come together soon enough.

i wish all bad things in the world could disappear, for everyone. i dont know what is wrong with me, but it is probably permanent, and its bad. im bad. i want to smack my head against a wall until i stop moving, i want to be alone so no one will try and stop me. i want people to yell at me, spit on me, cut me, kick me, laugh at me. i want what i deserve. this all sounds like such bullshit but what does it matter? when im gone nothing will matter, so what the hell does it matter if i decide to post this or not? if people hate me or not?

what is wrong with me, what is happening? i dont always feel like this. i am so alone... i cant trust anybody, i cant talk to anybody, i cant have anything... the most loved or cared about i felt was during my roommates birthday when his mom gave me a hug, smiled at me, and treated me like a son, like someone she cared about, who mattered! someone elses family! she was so nice and now she is one more person who will be dissapointed when i completely fuck myself, one more person who will see the limp worthlessness i really am when im finished. i dont deserve a peaceful death, i deserve brutality, limbo, hell. why cant i have a moments peace, just a few days to rot in my bed doing nothing? im constantly streched thin, i have nothing left to give, and the one person i trusted enough to admit my intentions to ctb to ghosts me, the person i once trusted the most in the world. i truly dont matter, not to myself, not to anybody. on here im a nobody, some random new account, some new fucking crazy person ranting away like some disrespectful snob, acting like people should care. i wish i could make no one else EVER feel this way... dear fucking god, im really not gonna make it... im weak, i cant do it... but i gotta be strong, survival instinct is a bitch.

sorry for being here and taking up your bandwidth as much as your time, feel free to ignore or yell at me or whatever. have a good day.

 

[JesiBel]

It's okay to get all the negative stuff out, at least in writing. You shouldn't apologize. Times of crisis are the hardest. I can only hug you virtually. I understand you so much.

Everyone here deserves happiness, love, balance, and peace without suffering. It's unfortunate that life has pushed us to the limit, where both body and mind hurt so much.

The feelings you write are very real, sometimes we would like to disappear in the most horrible way, it is not fair, we have already been through so much as to receive even more damage. Don't hurt yourself, you're not alone here.

 

[HopeIsALie]

thank you, I'm so sorry I didn't reply sooner, you're really kind, idk what to do… you did good to send that, I'm sorry again

 

[deadbidaylight]

I want you to know that I care, and you matter. I read your post carefully and it hurts my heart to know that you feel so poorly about yourself and feel that you deserve the worst. You absolutely do not. Your feelings are valid.

I'm so sorry that your closest friend left you when you were at your most vulnerable. That will ultimately make you feel worse, but know that this isn't a reflection of you. Some people have a hard time dealing with heavy issues such as this, and don't know how to respond, or can't respond at all and shut down. Opening up about your most intimate feelings took bravery, and I'm proud of you for being able to do that. It saddens me that you were met with such coldness and abandonment, but that doesn't mean that you aren't worthy of allies or support. This person couldn't handle it appropriately. It's unfortunate but seems to ring true with a lot of folks on here.

I'm glad that you're here with us and felt that you could share your story with us. We absolutely care, and can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Those voices screaming at us that we're worthless and deserve the worst are all too common here, and we understand your struggle. We will never scream at you, or invalidate your feelings or make you feel that you don't matter. You're in good company here. You are not alone. Feel free to express yourself freely whenever you need, and we will listen.

Please be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Welcome to SaSu, and I hope that we can provide you some peace and sense of community for you.

 

[HopeIsALie]

Thank you... I feel a little better now, off and on. I'll try and stick around a little longer, we'll see what happens. Your reply was very nice, I really appreciate it <3