In your past interactions with women, is there anything you've noticed that's particularly difficult? Do you just have a hard time finding what to say?
Often, the vibe just feels... off. I like to learn about a lot, but there's no real clear indicator that someone would be willing to listen. Their faces scream "shut up, and go away".
typically a good rule of thumb to follow is "how would you feel if you were treated that way?"
i wish i could expand more but im feeling a little spent rn... (it is almost midnight
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Thank you for your response... that's a fair point. Though the thing is I don't know if my boundaries are the same as another person's, so I think I'll go a little safer at first.
Wonder about the same things. I used to desperately want a friend so I praise them every chance I got, it never further than polite small talk. I think they can tell how needy I was and it replused them. I eventually gave up but still feel lonely when I am alone outside. I am a woman though.
I believe in us, went through that exact same situation. I hope you'll find a good friend soon. :-}
i want to say we're not that scary. i'm not suited to give advice on this subject, because despite being a woman myself, i'm also quite bad at socializing with other women... for some reason. i'm bad at socializing in general, but most of my friends in life have been male, even if i do think most women are very kind. i'd be open to being friends with you!
I'd really appreciate that!! If you are okay with being friends with a socially awkward person. Who knows? Maybe girls are just as clueless on talking with others...
Every person is different, male or female. Treat them with respect, common courtesy and be friendly and go from there. If they have common interests with you, you can talk about that, but don't feel the need to force conversation (same as if you were talking to a guy really)… and don't assume they're interested in you romantically if they are friendly towards you.
Think of it as befriending a stray cat. If they are skittish, or pull away and run off, don't chase them. Respect their space and don't take it personally that they're not overly willing to interact. It's not about you. :)
The skittish cat analogy is "completing". It makes a lot of sense. Thank you very much for your response. I'm not worried about the respect; I do try to watch how people act, and give them space accordingly. I may have a sharp tongue, but I'm patient enough that I rarely ever lash out at others. I am aware other people are typically not at fault for something bad that happened to me in the day.
"Just be yourself", is something of a cliché, but with some serious merit. Stay true to your own ideals, and try to be a good person by your own definitions.
The thing is that women are a very large and diverse group, and you want to attract the ones who are compatible with you and your values.
Whether your a tough or sensitive guy, hard working or chronically stoned, there are women out there who like it.
I think consistency and reliability are key factors in any relation, romantic or otherwise. The next most important is to expose yourself to situations where relations can occur.
Go out in public, and do things you like doing. Express interest in a way you think is appropriate, aligning with your ideals and character.
I think social life gets hard when we're not happy with ourselves. Anyone sharing my values and ideals would have a hard time respecting me.
As such I personally need to get closer to my own ideals, or change them, before I can expect social success.
Hmm... so, kind of like a magnet, I guess? Since I would not enjoy not being myself, ideally the people I attract are attracted to me because of how I am as a person... right? And then, friendship should in theory flow somewhat smoothly from there? At least I think that's what you're saying, so correct me if I'm wrong.
I appreciate your last sentence, about social life getting hard when we're not happy with ourselves. It makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you for sharing. :-}
you can have different preferences and still be nice to other people. thats really basically all its saying.
also i cant speak to the male half but you want to talk about a "good rule" well this is a bad rule. most women have trouble saying no because of the bs most have gone through.
youre taking a situation dependent thing and using it as a blanket statement. you should try stepping into the other persons shoes before commenting or realize you dont know their situation to comment. like this whole part of your comment (including the male half) tells me you dont know much about relationship abuse. because a man has no trouble telling a girl no and a girl finds her words lost inside her unable to find there way out. if a girl were to ask for something (in an abusive relationship) a male would have no problem laughing and saying no. meanwhile a girl cant speak at all and as much as she want to scream "no stop", she cant and has to go along with the yes
also, i think i know how id like to be treated, and if you cant take 2 seconds to think "would i like to be spoken to this way" (which is typically like an object coming from males), then yeah shes probably not gonna be too interested.
That's something I have seen on social media, typically. So, I believe the best course of action is to establish a friendship where one and the other both feel safe expressing themselves, right? Like, for example, "if you need to talk about anything, you can talk to me about it" as an opener?
I know I'm not entitled to knowing their problems and offering solutions, so I'd give them space if that didn't get me anywhere. And of course, hopefully they reciprocate that effort.
I can tell you what not to do. Don't put them up on a pedistal and worship them. Don't follow the old morals of being the noble provider and protecting the delicate woman.
They're people, and they're different. Talking to them is a skill that has to be developed, but it's really the same skill you use talking to anyone else. You listen and treat them with respect (although we men have to learn exactly what that means). In many cases you're looking for some romantic encounter. Body language is like 90% of communication. If you're staring at her chest that sends a message. Not one you want to send. Learn her body language too. If she's interested in talking you can pick up on that. If not you can pick up on that too.
We mess up big time by not reading those signals; continuing to try to talk to someone who's not interested. I have a big problem becoming interested in women who aren't interested in me. I still work on that.
If you have a female friend ask her for advice and maybe even practice dialog with her. You will fail.. a lot. But keep at it, and above all be genuine in who you are.
I disagree with that old moral; I think we should support each other in whatever area the other lacks. I'm sure anyone would be uncomfortable if you stared at any part of them intently... I'll have to look out for the body language cues, that's definitely the hardest part. I... guess I do have a female friend actually, as of making this thread. I understand being myself, a little... there's just a lot to work on. Thank you.
Actually I think this is a hard question. Every lady out there is their own individual with their own personality, thoughts and character. You can't just find a general solution to how to interact with anybody anymore.
Best is to be kind and respectful, give them a chance and be open minded. Ask what they like and how their pov is on certain topics. Maybe even ask them individually how they wanna be treated, maybe this could lead to some interesting conversations and give you some insights of the person you want to get to know rather than trying to use some stereotypical ways of dealing with them or anybody really.
That's actually a solid strategy I hadn't thought of before. I'll try it for sure.
I'm pleasantly surprised people are actually taking this thread seriously and it hasn't turned into an absolute mess. Gotta love the recovery section. People are actually trying to help each other lol.
This website has and I hope will continue to be a safe space for its members. I tend to choose this site over "professionals", as the people posting these threads are raw and real. I've learned a lot from this site, actually. I'm very grateful for its existence.
There's been so many great and in depth replies already to this thread! It makes me happy. I have a little anecdote to share with a tip that will hopefully make women feel safe around you without having the idea that you are treating them like porcelain dolls.
I met my ex-boyfriend at his place of work. A specialty store of some sorts. Although we had a lengthy chat and hit it off, he wasn't sure just how into him I was already and I also always like some space to make up my mind. So when we said our goodbyes he didn't ask for my number (which I might be hesitant to give out to people I barely know because they get access to a lot of your digital personal space that way) and also didn't offer to put his number in my phone (which could've come of as threatening and a little forceful) but instead gave me his number on a piece of paper. On top of it being cutesy and old-fashioned jn a romantic kind of way, it also made me feel safe and in control of the decision to stay in touch. Huge green flag! When I texted him, he could also be confident I really wanted to connect with him and didn't feel pressured all. We ended up dating for two years.
All in all I would advice any party, no matter their gender, to give out their own number this way instead of asking. But it might be extra effective if your object of interest is a woman, because sadly as a matter of fact there are plenty of stories to tell of pushy or abusive men and women cannot tell up front if you're one of them (which you are probably not since you're being super considerate by making this thread).
Another really great strategy... shame things ended with your ex-boyfriend, although I'm sure you had a great time with him at first. Yes, I don't like how violent we are towards each other, so I try to be the difference as much as I can. The faces people make when they see me making an effort to try and be better are priceless to me. I guess it's similar to when a little kid gets a candy after dinner. Thank you for your response, that was a great anecdote!
What are women like?
I can only speak for myself, but I'm just one woman with my own personal being , wishes and values.
So I'm not sure if that would be helpful.
What I do know from female friends and myself, is that we are very approachable, as long as you're respectful and don't pretend being something that your not. Guys who only come to stare at tits , boast about their money/ car/ amount of exes , or complain about all the above aren't fun talking to.
Just be nice and friendly.
Those type of people really confuse me. They act like they are the star of a solar system, while not even having the personality of a planet's moon. Aggressive non verbal advances and speak of material things... and that they've failed multiple times to maintain a relationship with a partner... it seems like the type of person you'd find guilty of a DUI charge. AKA, avoid. I hope your experiences with other guys are better.
It's true what everybody else is saying. Most people's personalities and interests lie in some very general non-gendered area regardless of gender. You don't have to be scared or think about women as some kind of mysterious fundamentally different beings. Just talk about your interests with a like-minded person who is interested in those same things. Almost all the normal rules of friendly, equal, comradely communication that you've learned with men apply to talking with your (hypothetical) equal women friends. Treat them as people in the same way you'd like to be treated.
It's good if you aren't thinking about romance. That makes things simpler and lessens the chances that you'll do something that causes discomfort or anxiety to your (hypothetical) friend. The basic point is that most of the time most women don't actually enjoy being thought of as objects of sexual interest. They want to be people instead of objects. People who can live life without having to think about their gender for a while.
For concrete advice: As somebody already said you can try just finding more friends from groups related to your interests. Some of them might be women.
Yes, I've seen talk of it online. I've also felt the same way, not in the object sense, but the wanting to forget your gender for a while. It isn't exactly encouraging to go outside and see "men are trash, burn all men, all men should die, etc." sentiments. We are both MVPs of some things, and could not live without each other. I wish I could link those type of people this site -- alas, many tend to be close minded, unfortunately. One can only dream of a more tolerant world.
Just treat them like people and equals. Women are not some monolith completely different from men, they have the same wants and desires and emotions as you do.
That's a thought echoed in many of the replies. Thanks for responding, and reinforcing it.
