what is the thing you are missing in your life that could give you the strength to keep living?

[marios]

for me is love. i've never felt love to (and by) somebody. i am 41 and had only 2 realationshp in my 20s and felt it was not something for me.. since 2020 i have depression and i never had sex during this 5 years. can't enjoy enuthing.
the only thing that used to give me happiness was heroin and i am 1 year clean so i can't rely on those moments of chemical happiness to keep going..
\

 

[supergold#2]

at risk of sounding kitschy, i feel like my answer would just be actually having an answer to this question. this last year, i've been to more therapy visits than i can count, tried making new, picking up hobbies, on top of al the old things that brought me joy, and genuinely, nothing works. part of me wants to say having people back that ctb, but even before everybody left, i was fucking miserable.
idk.
life sucks, then you [don't] die, then you [don't] die again, and again, and again, ad infinitum

 

[Jadeith]

at risk of sounding kitschy, i feel like my answer would just be actually having an answer to this question.

Glad i'm not the only one feeling like that.
Tried new hobbies - fun at first but they ended up being more of a chore or nuisance than source of pleasure. Not to mention - waste of money.
Got into relationship - i wasn't good enough for my partner and eventually got cheated on. Trust issues since then. No matter how many times i hear "i love you" or "i want you" i can't believe in it because i heard that from my partner that was saying those thing to other at the same time.
Got a child - lovely kid really but still it's more like burden than source of joy. Constant fear if i'll be able to protect it, to provide for it, to BE here for it as long as necessary.
So? What's left? Substance abuse? Should i start to cheat? ANOTHER hobby, in hopes that this one will actually stick?

Fuck, i want to die so badly....

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Got to agree with the love thing as mentioned by OP. Then, saw this thread right after a call with my person who is on another f*ckn continent, and we can't be together, and I feel like dying. I need to be strong for years alone and apart with the hope of a future one day. I'm just tired, tired of finding the strength all over and over again, and like all of the above, what's even left? Hugs to all of you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think there is anything. It used to be things like greater success in my creative job, a partner. Most of my desires are gone now though. Which is kind of a relief. Goodbye to all that longing and sense of failure and stress.

I suppose money would take the strain and stress out of living for a while but, it wouldn't keep me here indefinitely.

It's kind of good though. It tells me that I'm ready- when the time comes. (Waiting on my Dad going first.)

 

[LostLily]

A pet because then I will feel like somebody would actually need me in life, a purpose in life, family who accept my sexuality, a job that don't stressed me out,….

 

[marios]

at risk of sounding kitschy, i feel like my answer would just be actually having an answer to this question. this last year, i've been to more therapy visits than i can count, tried making new, picking up hobbies, on top of al the old things that brought me joy, and genuinely, nothing works. part of me wants to say having people back that ctb, but even before everybody left, i was fucking miserable.
idk.
life sucks, then you [don't] die, then you [don't] die again, and again, and again, ad infinitum

exactly.. i did the same.. new hobbies to keep my mind in the "now and here" and do not let my brain think about not having nothing to live for....
may i ask how your friends CTB?

send you hugs from europe

A pet because then I will feel like somebody would actually need me in life, a purpose in life, family who accept my sexuality, a job that don't stressed me out,….

i have 3 cats but not even they can give me a reason to stay. I feel like I should have done it immediately as soon as the SN arrived. I feel like these last 5 years have been a waste. no moments of happiness or tranquility. only problems.. economic, legal, family problems, with substances.. only and only problems

I don't think there is anything. It used to be things like greater success in my creative job, a partner. Most of my desires are gone now though. Which is kind of a relief. Goodbye to all that longing and sense of failure and stress.

I suppose money would take the strain and stress out of living for a while but, it wouldn't keep me here indefinitely.

It's kind of good though. It tells me that I'm ready- when the time comes. (Waiting on my Dad going first.)

I also wanted my parents to leave before me and for my father it was like this thanks to covid. my mother is alive but now after a year of living together I think that I honestly don't care if her soul breaks, she should have thought about it before having a child and spending her life in front of the TV instead of raising him with a modicum of affection

Glad i'm not the only one feeling like that.
Tried new hobbies - fun at first but they ended up being more of a chore or nuisance than source of pleasure. Not to mention - waste of money.
Got into relationship - i wasn't good enough for my partner and eventually got cheated on. Trust issues since then. No matter how many times i hear "i love you" or "i want you" i can't believe in it because i heard that from my partner that was saying those thing to other at the same time.
Got a child - lovely kid really but still it's more like burden than source of joy. Constant fear if i'll be able to protect it, to provide for it, to BE here for it as long as necessary.
So? What's left? Substance abuse? Should i start to cheat? ANOTHER hobby, in hopes that this one will actually stick?

Fuck, i want to die so badly....

we are not alone in our journey of pain in this world

 

[supergold#2]

i mean, there's an incredibly long laundry list lately, but if it's narrowed down to intentional ctb:
n-full suspension
j-heroin od
t-(unknown, just said bye, dissapeared for months, after winter body was found (police basically refused to even look)))
f(member of this forum)-sn+meto
s-(not entirely sure if intentional, but pretty sure)fent od

i feel shitty about it, but i think i might be missing peope here, idk

 

[FuneralCry]

Nothing, I just don't want to suffer in this existence, to me existence is an abomination, the thought of being conscious in this existence just to die in agony from old age is really horrific to me, I see existence as a mistake that is completely undesirable in every way, I personally just want peace instead, I just want the peace of an eternal dreamless sleep where all is finally forgotten about. Non-existence is all that's positive for me and is all that can save me from all future unnecessary suffering, I'd be so relieved to finally be free from the burden of existing, all I wish and hope for is to never suffer ever again, I just don't see any point to existence as well, I personally just don't see value to prolonging suffering, existence isn't worth it for me, I just wish I never suffered at all.

 

[marios]

i mean, there's an incredibly long laundry list lately, but if it's narrowed down to intentional ctb:
n-full suspension
j-heroin od
t-(unknown, just said bye, dissapeared for months, after winter body was found (police basically refused to even look)))
f(member of this forum)-sn+meto
s-(not entirely sure if intentional, but pretty sure)fent od

i feel shitty about it, but i think i might be missing peope here, idk

oh my gosh.. it's a long list indeed.. i am so sorry they left you here alone... i know i'm just a stranger on the web BUT if you want to chat please feel free to msg me anytime!

 

[Promised Heaven]

Stable friendships.

Won't fix everything, but I probably wouldn't have a death date.

 

[marios]

Stable friendships.

Won't fix everything, but I probably wouldn't have a death date.

in the last years i realised my friend were not as friend as i thought.. maybe is my fault but since i do not know how to care/love anyone i am like a mechanic for them, they search me just because something is wrong and need help but after that they disappear into dust...
i wish you will find a real friendship, somebody that will care about you no matter what. send you virtual hugs

 

[Influ]

As a hugless and kissless virgin(18M), I would definetly say love, never really received it from anyone, not from friends, not from family members. I wish I had someone to live for, and when you say this sentence most people will just say "live for your parents", ignoring the reason that me wanting to ctb is because of my parents majorly and by love I dont mean sex, I mean just having someone care for you, hug you, kiss you, cuddle with you, watch movies and hang out with. Being alone is not bad, but being lonely is like cancer, it breaks you apart and spreads across your body and everything related to you and your life.

 

[tiredash]

love... having someone that make me feel loved and who i can trust... might sound sketchy because ofc relationships are temporary, but i say someone i can trust, because at least in modern couples there isnt much trust

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Love.

 

[Hollowman]

A brain that functions like it's supposed to.

 

[marios]

As a hugless and kissless virgin(18M), I would definetly say love, never really received it from anyone, not from friends, not from family members. I wish I had someone to live for, and when you say this sentence most people will just say "live for your parents", ignoring the reason that me wanting to ctb is because of my parents majorly and by love I dont mean sex, I mean just having someone care for you, hug you, kiss you, cuddle with you, watch movies and hang out with. Being alone is not bad, but being lonely is like cancer, it breaks you apart and spreads across your body and everything related to you and your life.

I feel every Word you wrote.
Being loneliness is a torture, and right now they make it seem like being in a relationship is as easy as laughing (not only boy/girlfriend but also friend or family)

 

[quietism]

Yes, I also wish for love. But my suffering could likely be patched up with less.

If I had people who recognised me as a valuable human being and found meaningful ways to appreciate me, in a consistent way over a long time period.
--What am I saying? That's what a good friend is. I'd just like good friends. I spend so much time writing in my diary, I wish I had the chance to share my thoughts more in a meaningful way to the same effect in others.

 

[yellowjester]

Having a friend would bring me some temporary consolation. But I'm not sure if it's within the realm of possibility, given my previous track record.

 

[marios]

Yes, I also wish for love. But my suffering could likely be patched up with less.

If I had people who recognised me as a valuable human being and found meaningful ways to appreciate me, in a consistent way over a long time period.
--What am I saying? That's what a good friend is. I'd just like good friends. I spend so much time writing in my diary, I wish I had the chance to share my thoughts more in a meaningful way to the same effect in others.

yeah, that sounds like a good friend to me too. but now it looks like every "ship" (frienship, romance relationahip etc etc) is fake or just for an "istagram post"

 

[quietism]

yeah, that sounds like a good friend to me too. but now it looks like every "ship" (frienship, romance relationahip etc etc) is fake or just for an "istagram post"

Real friendships do exist. Not many, but it's not outlandish to wish and try for.

 

[marios]

Real friendships do exist. Not many, but it's not outlandish to wish and try for.

wish you luck buddy

 

[MikuFOST]

someone to lay awake with

 

[Prism]

Enough money to reacquire the things I've lost and live comfortably for the rest of my life.

 

[SadFoxDreamer83]

for me is love. i've never felt love to (and by) somebody. i am 41 and had only 2 realationshp in my 20s and felt it was not something for me.. since 2020 i have depression and i never had sex during this 5 years. can't enjoy enuthing.
the only thing that used to give me happiness was heroin and i am 1 year clean so i can't rely on those moments of chemical happiness to keep going..
\

In my case, I've also been alone since 2017, no friend, no girlfriend, no sex since then, but I've learned that I can't try to find love until I manage to cure my depression and get a positive attitude.
I've lost all desire to live because I can't find a way to earn some money to escape far away from here. I wish I could be very far away from here, in a place where they don't insult me and yell at me every day like now.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

A time machine.

 

[sammiechzxv]

I don't think there's anything that could change me aside from a new life altogether

 

[CallmeWill4719]

for me is love. i've never felt love to (and by) somebody. i am 41 and had only 2 realationshp in my 20s and felt it was not something for me.. since 2020 i have depression and i never had sex during this 5 years. can't enjoy enuthing.
the only thing that used to give me happiness was heroin and i am 1 year clean so i can't rely on those moments of chemical happiness to keep going..
\

well good for you for being clean! and same here, I'm engaged now actually and yeah, i don't expect it to solve all my problems but soul crushing loneliness was a huge reason I was suicidal. got very very very lucky

 

[Rabscuttle]

Being physically healthy would help.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

think of the worst pain possible . why would anyone want to risk even 10 seconds of it much less a minute or hours of it constantly every second or years of it? theres nothing worth even regular pain or regular suffering much less worth the most extreme pain the most extreme suffering the most extreme torture.

i don't would never want any of the things they say are "needed" like epecially not love , relationship, friends etc never never never. i detest and fear the pleasurable things the most like eating food, youtube addictions because those are the ones that distract me from working on my suicide plan, imo i consider those bait for the worst pain which is much more intense and long lasting than any pleasurable fleeting meaningless garbage.. i don't want any kind of existence / life / consciousness ever

i wouldn't want any kind of existence even if there were no suffering possible . but that's all life is suffering and then there is pain so bad that a minute of it makes every thing else meaningless. the extreme torture is just waiting...

the only things i want are those that move me closer to my suicide asap