What made you think about ctb for the first time?

[Forveleth]

I was the typical angsty teen. Things started heading south for me in middle school. Classes were challenging, I started to get teased a lot. My parents were working 60 hours/week and taking their stress out on everyone at home. High school was even worse. I felt like a loser and started having problems with depression and anxiety. I wanted to kill myself like any other 15 year old.

 

[pachamacha]

i'm glad you said silly whim as a child as i wasn't sure if it was right story but this fits

i was 13years old i was suicidal thoights start this age, i was in residential community schooling for emotional behaviour disorderd children

i had 13 parecetemol saved as a 13 year old i was niave and i thought that would work death in maybe 20mins after falling asleep

i can't rmemeber what actually got me needing to use them 'bad day at the office' silly saying life a mess just a kid could of been any trivial thing but i decided it was needed

then remembered my diary silly teenage secret diary i had to get rid of before i died so nobody would read it, got my metal bin and lighter and a cup of water at the side for control purposes, made a small bonfire in my bedroom to rid the diary so i could take my parecetamol and lay down and get gone

side tracked with burning another kid smelt smoke told staff was overally focused and distrated by task of burning didn't hear them knock a few times they entered and was in trouble for fire forgot about the bloody diary and plans

that was my first attempt if you could call it that the intent was there but poor application, i have adhd and autism i think the planning and staying focused on task and seeing steps ahead impulse problems were part of my half arsed joke of an attempt

i also did do the 13 parecetemol some weeks later sat on my bed nothing much happened felt sick and groggy niave thinking swift death just like bad hangover

those are my first silly child whims

 

[RealitySurf]

I was like 6, I don't remember the exact cause but it was something like my mom didn't trust me or smth like that, I pointed myself with a knife to my neck and they laughed, it may have been funny maybe xd it was nothing serious but super impulsive

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I don't remember. I've been like this for such a long time. If I had to guess, it was probably from either loneliness or bullying

 

[mrpeter]

i thought of suicide at 15 because of how boring and pointless my life is

when i was 8 i was thinking if i could wish for anything it would be to not exist since not existing would mean i don't have problems

 

[Blackswede]

Well my first thought of suicide was not anything pertaining to depression or a desire to do that but more so situations that I imagined it being something I would likely do.

An example from when I was 12, I watched a YouTube compilation of people getting sentenced to life in prison without parole and I thought to myself watching these people cry "man, life in prison with no chance of parole? I would just kill myself, can't imagine rotting with other inmates for the rest of my life, what a waste of a life man". That was my thought process and the first time I considered a scenario where I would rather die then live. But it wasn't something I was scared of. I didn't really take mortality seriously as a kid, I was to busy having fun with friends and watching cartoons. I only started getting depressed at 20 which is nice. I got to enjoy my teenage years at least.

 

[deepsweetdiver]

I think around 7ish I wanted to just not exist, or in my words then- be an unborn baby again. 9 yrs old was when it started really clicking, I started realizing that you can't get rid of bad things in life, and thinking about if you were dead you it wouldn't matter. Around then was my first ctb attempt too, not really because I wanted to actually take my own life, but to get away from whatever pain I had then. 12 yrs old my grandpa, uncle, and dog all died within a month and then was actually when I thought I didn't want to live anymore because of sadness/pain/grief. Started my bad sh habits then and its all just snowballed from there.

 

[Johnzaga23]

ive always had nihilistic thoughts and phases of minor depression due to stress and life difficultes. This is the first time I seriously consider CBT and I gave up on everything while actively planning it.

 

[dude no.7]

i think i was 8 or 9 so i can't remember

probably something with school idk

 

[Loser1989]

I was 12, constantly bullied for being the "weird kid" I loved anime growing up, was an awkward girl who was a foot taller than her peers and I was generally just a bit...odd. This was 20+ years ago. I was the perfect target for bullying.

One day a popular girl threw an egg at the back of my head. I had to catch the bus home covered in it, dripping in my hair and down my back. I tried to fight her but there were 5+ of her friends there who stood up for her so I decided it wasn't worth it.

I went home, had a shower and cried, wrote in my suicide notebook (the usual I Hate My Life crap) self harmed and decided one day I would end up taking my own life.

The bullying got worse as I got older, I became more withdrawn and now I'm in my mid 30's with no job, no friends and a crippling anxiety disorder.

 

[TAW122]

It was when I was a pre-teen pondering about how life sucks and if I don't enjoy life (back then when I was into video games and all I cared about, nothing else), then why am I alive? That was perhaps my first time or as far as I can remember.

 

[outrider567]

My girlfriend of 35 years died after just 4 days in the hospital, after the initial shock, I'm pretty sure I first thought of CTB'ing within hours--Charles Boyer, the actor, killed himself just two days after his longtime wife died, he was 79

 

[CogitoMori]

I was 8 and making bracelets in a girl scout troop (I'm a trans guy). I made a suggestion to one of the girls about a color scheme trying to be helpful, but she and some other girls started being mean, saying my bracelet was ugly, and then going on to say some other insults that had nothing to do with the bracelets. I got angry and they said I started it when I never said anything insulting, and was just emulating the adults that helped me with crafts. They lied to the leader, and tbf she didn't pick one side or the other because it was a dumb kids' argument, but that was the last straw of adults never believing me and never doing anything to punish the bullies and rectify the situation. I went to the bathroom crying and only of the girls checked on me. I told her I wanted to die, and she went and got my mom and I told her the same thing. She asked why and I told her I didn't know, I guess I kind of didn't at the time, but I was only in 3rd grade and already a major social outcast. It's so many tiny things over time, because I could handle bullying from boys. It was just name calling and sometimes physical with them, but with the girls they act like your friend first and play nice around adults so any time you try to start pointing things out literally everyone, including the adults gaslight you, tell you you're too sensitive, and that they didn't mean it that way or there's nothing they can do, because even though these girls are ruining your life, they haven't done anything obvious enough to face consequences for it.