All of my days are darkened by the darkness i carry in my mind. Though i try to not judge and i am in a state of barely no care anymore.
Believe it or not it is all just a way of thinking , judgment and care. Most mental sick people focus more on the "bad" than the "good", a small thing can trigger you and then you loose focus and end up having a bad day or rather you make it a bad day. But what if you didn't judge said bad thing as much? What if you just recognized it as a bad thing, that happened and let it in the past, do not give it too much attention, care less. Of course this takes practice, to not judge as heavy, to not think about that one bad thing that happened in the morning. To let it behind you.
Story:
There is one thing that triggered me extremely in the past: public transport, trains/ metro to be specific. I hated it but i had to use it as i could not afford a car. I spent my mornings, going on the train i hate, the train that is always too late, spending my time in the smelly, shitty train with way to many people who i hate, who are way to loud anyways, who are ignorant, who do not pay attention, who block the exits, ... - you see what happened there? 1 thing i hated and i spiraled into hating everything, i took a ride on my hate train - literally. Which i created in my head and i hated them, even if it was on time, even if the train was almost empty, even if the train was not smelly. Because i made it all those things, i linked all the hate and bad experience to getting on a train and made my own personal nightmare out of it.
So years later here i am still using public transport, but differently. I put on my music, i get on the train. I look for a seat to sit or a place to stand, i either pull out my phone or a book and read or text, creating my small personal bubble in this train, full of people, full of triggers. Triggers i mostly block out nowadays. Of course i still stare people who bumped into me down, maybe leave a comment, have a few nasty thoughts come up. But leave it after that, i stopped judging all of it as badly as i did before. It is just a train ride, a part of my day and not my whole day and i do not want to make it to my whole day either.
