
a-fond-farewell
"You say she's waiting, and I know what for"
- May 22, 2025
- 45
i'm not 100% committed with this date, but July 19 is seeming very appealing to me. i've been contemplating existence a lot. trying to accept the prospect of eternal oblivion.
even though I don't feel alive most of the time and life just is basically a TV show, the fear still appears. doubt and self-preservation kicks in. although, I technically could force myself to do it, I wouldn't want to do it if it doesn't feel right that day. I want it to feel right. I want to make my possible last days meaningful to me. I want them to feel complete, just to me, just for me. one thing that's helped is acknowledging that death is just a natural biological process. that it's essential for other life to sustain itself. we all have our turn, and I'm just passing it on to the next player so to speak. I'm trying to view it from a more external perspective. rather than "my self will be annihilated" (which is likely true), I'm viewing my life as one of many passing cars. no interference, no bias. just neutrality and acceptance. acknowledging that these fears are the very reason why I exist at all, for if I hadn't been programmed with them from the beginning, the human race as a whole wouldn't be alive. I'm trying to view impermanence as inevitable and embracing the fact that it is. that all things must pass.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life just contemplating existence, however. I want to be able to enjoy things, knowing that my time is limited, but using that instead to make it more meaningful. so that said, I'm looking for recommendations on how y'all think I can make my final days special. i'm going to hang out with an old friend of mine of elementary school. i'll go outdoors. but besides that, I'm kind of clueless. I want to avoid cramming in things and doing them just for the sake of doing them. it has to be special, it has to be purposeful.
if anyone can help reassure me with my path or give me some ideas on what I should do these possibly final days, I will be profoundly appreciative. thx <3
even though I don't feel alive most of the time and life just is basically a TV show, the fear still appears. doubt and self-preservation kicks in. although, I technically could force myself to do it, I wouldn't want to do it if it doesn't feel right that day. I want it to feel right. I want to make my possible last days meaningful to me. I want them to feel complete, just to me, just for me. one thing that's helped is acknowledging that death is just a natural biological process. that it's essential for other life to sustain itself. we all have our turn, and I'm just passing it on to the next player so to speak. I'm trying to view it from a more external perspective. rather than "my self will be annihilated" (which is likely true), I'm viewing my life as one of many passing cars. no interference, no bias. just neutrality and acceptance. acknowledging that these fears are the very reason why I exist at all, for if I hadn't been programmed with them from the beginning, the human race as a whole wouldn't be alive. I'm trying to view impermanence as inevitable and embracing the fact that it is. that all things must pass.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life just contemplating existence, however. I want to be able to enjoy things, knowing that my time is limited, but using that instead to make it more meaningful. so that said, I'm looking for recommendations on how y'all think I can make my final days special. i'm going to hang out with an old friend of mine of elementary school. i'll go outdoors. but besides that, I'm kind of clueless. I want to avoid cramming in things and doing them just for the sake of doing them. it has to be special, it has to be purposeful.
if anyone can help reassure me with my path or give me some ideas on what I should do these possibly final days, I will be profoundly appreciative. thx <3