Story What the....? I can't even fucking kill myself!

[BridgeJumper]

What is this. Am I immortal or some shit?

I said my goodbyes to people in the chat, finished deleting logs. Cleared the path from rubbish. Tied my rope to a kind of metal ladder below the bridge. Put on hearing protection, placed my head in the noose and said a short prayer. Then I hyperventilated for some time like during test runs, held my breath and let go.

It was horrifying. I gasped and choked and struggled for air. Raked my nails over the bridges pillar, breaking them off. Heard pieces of rock fall to the ground. Gave up and decided to do it in the kneeling position with longer rope ( I had two), but it also didnt work cause I was terrified. Everytime I had that feeling of numbness spreading, I kicked back.

And then I heard a train approach.
A long freight train. I was still tied to the bridge. My noise cancels made it difficult to whisk myself out. I was too weak. I tried to wait until the train passes, but the noise was ubearable. The trains wheels were directly above me. I started trashing, trying to get away. Heard the driver emergency brake. I kid you not, the whole fucking train just came to a halt.

I thought: 'Holy shit, Im SCREWED'
Tore the noose off my neck. Picked up my things and just ran, uphill from the bridge and back to the path. Watched the train resume driving. Ran back to get my ropes once it was empty. The next hour was a blur, popping pills and hiding from the rail police behind some cement blocks, calling my father to help me get home.

My neck is raw now, it seriously fucking hurts. I wrapped scarves over it. Hello PTSD. If somebody touched my neck right now I would probably scream.
WHAT IN THE FUCK. HOW AM I EVEN ALIVE. I CANT EVEN KILL MYSELF AND I WAS SO DETERMINED TO.

 

[BridgeJumper]

No one has anything to say I guess. This is so fucked up even suicidal people are speechless

 

[KleinerWolf]

No one has anything to say I guess. This is so fucked up even suicidal people are speechless

Sorry to hear your failed attempt.
I wouldn't say it's fucked up or that we have nothing to say,

I know you probably don't wanna be here right now,
but we are gonna die oneday, take it easy.
*hugs*

 

[BridgeJumper]

Took the Becks intent scale today, I scored 29 out of 30, breaking the system
ITS ALL FOR ATTENTION THO

 

[foxdie]

You went through the ringer tonight. Your experience sounds very traumatic. I'm so sorry for your pain. I know it's difficult right now but just take it easy and be kind to yourself. I wasn't exactly speechless, I just feel my words sound hollow at times. I didn't want to belittle your trauma. You're not alone. Killing yourself is so difficult, there's no easy path. Again be kind to yourself

 

[BridgeJumper]

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HAVE NO CHOICE, THIS COUNTRY HAS DRIVEN ME TO THIS, I ASKED THEM FOR HELP FOR 14 YEARS, THIS YEAR I REACHED OUT TO 15 PLACES ALONE, IM IN UBEARABLE PAIN, NO ONE FUCKING CARES, DOCTORS DISMISS ME AND CALL ME AN ATTENTION SEEKER, MY FAMILY CUT ME OUT AND I HAVE NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NULL!

I

H
A
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G

 

[Wrennie]

Oh my God... that must've been absolutely horrific... and that's an understatement of the century.

You are an incredibly brave human being. I am so sorry that your attempt failed and that you are now in even more pain than before. I know it's difficult, but please don't be too hard on yourself. I don't know what I would've done differently had I been in your shoes either. <3

 

[BridgeJumper]

Im not brave....Im as cowardly as it gets....I JUST CANT FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND THIS IS WHY IM STILL HERE.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD 6 YEARS AGO WHEN I FIRST JUMPED

GOD HELP ME

 

[Brick In The Wall]

What is this. Am I immortal or some shit?

I said my goodbyes to people in the chat, finished deleting logs. Cleared the path from rubbish. Tied my rope to a kind of metal ladder below the bridge. Put on hearing protection, placed my head in the noose and said a short prayer. Then I hyperventilated for some time like during test runs, held my breath and let go.

It was horrifying. I gasped and choked and struggled for air. Raked my nails over the bridges pillar, breaking them off. Heard pieces of rock fall to the ground. Gave up and decided to do it in the kneeling position with longer rope ( I had two), but it also didnt work cause I was terrified. Everytime I had that feeling of numbness spreading, I kicked back.

And then I heard a train approach.
A long freight train. I was still tied to the bridge. My noise cancels made it difficult to whisk myself out. I was too weak. I tried to wait until the train passes, but the noise was ubearable. The trains wheels were directly above me. I started trashing, trying to get away. Heard the driver emergency brake. I kid you not, the whole fucking train just came to a halt.

I thought: 'Holy shit, Im SCREWED'
Tore the noose off my neck. Picked up my things and just ran, uphill from the bridge and back to the path. Watched the train resume driving. Ran back to get my ropes once it was empty. The next hour was a blur, popping pills and hiding from the rail police behind some cement blocks, calling my father to help me get home.

My neck is raw now, it seriously fucking hurts. I wrapped scarves over it. Hello PTSD. If somebody touched my neck right now I would probably scream.
WHAT IN THE FUCK. HOW AM I EVEN ALIVE. I CANT EVEN KILL MYSELF AND I WAS SO DETERMINED TO.

No one has anything to say I guess. This is so fucked up even suicidal people are speechless

Holy fuck, that's one hell of an ordeal. It's hard to respond to something like that than to say I'm sorry on so many levels

I sincerely hope you're doing atleast semi okay right now though. We're still here if you need to talk.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Okay....yeah....Im laughing to myself, completing will and rocking myself on my bed. I havent slept in days and Im seeing things,

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Okay....yeah....Im laughing to myself, completing will and rocking myself on my bed. I havent slept in days and Im seeing things,

Get some sleep if you can please. You're not in a sound state of mind at the moment. Lick your wounds and pick another battle.

 

[BridgeJumper]

I cant sleep. I trie xanax, opiates, psych meds, benadryl....I just wont sleep. My boy is breaking down
This could be prevented if they gave me meidcal attention BUT WHY BOTHER RIGHT?

WHY BOTHER SAVING A LIFE

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I cant sleep. I trie xanax, opiates, psych meds, benadryl....I just wont sleep. My boy is breaking down
This could be prevented if they gave me meidcal attention BUT WHY BOTHER RIGHT?

Maybe that could or couldn't have been prevented, you'll never know. What can be prevented is you needlessly hurting yourself further at this moment.

I understand you're hyped up right now. But try to breathe and relax.

 

[BridgeJumper]

I cant relax. Everything is spinning. I can barely breathe, my ears feel like theyre being stabbed. My parents verbally harass me all day. Doctors keep sending me away. The only way to get help is basically go to ER and put a knife to my neck but I wont do this sińce all theyve done to me is tell me Im an attention whore and put me on 16 pills a day.
I HOPE MY MOTHER SUES FOR MANSLAUGHTER

 

[Wrennie]

Im not brave....Im as cowardly as it gets....I JUST CANT FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND THIS IS WHY IM STILL HERE.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD 6 YEARS AGO WHEN I FIRST JUMPED

GOD HELP ME

Survival instinct is insanely powerful - perfected by evolution, and as per its design one of the hardest things in life to overcome... and yet you still fought against it. That takes immense courage and resolve. You are far stronger than you know.

I jumped off of a building too earlier this year. It's dreadful to feel the impact and then to realize seconds later that you're still here. Please know that although our circumstances aren't identical, you aren't necessarily as alone as you may feel. <3

 

[profoundexperience]

My heart goes out to you.

As one human being to another... all I can say is that I'm so very sorry for it all... all the many things troubling you right now.

Is there anything in your life (a hobby, TV show, video games, etc.) that you could TOTALLY focus on right now?

When I get myself worked-up and I can't relax/sleep... stupid YouTube videos of puppies and kittens being cute help me a lot... and there are zillions of those videos. Is there anything like that for you?

 

[BridgeJumper]

Art...

 

[foxdie]

Art...

What kind of art?

 

[profoundexperience]

Art...

What kind of art? Is this doing art yourself or watching others do it?

 

[BridgeJumper]

I'm a painter. I never show my art because I suck.

 

[foxdie]

I'm a painter. I never show my art because I suck.

Ah art is subjective, I'm sure you're great. Van Gogh was never recognized in his time and now he's an all time great. Do you have any paint on hand. Sometimes you can use trauma to make wonderful art. It might tire you out too so you can rest.

 

[profoundexperience]

It'd be cool if you could share some of your works on here...

But for now, I'm just wondering what could help you chill-out or cool-down from the recent stuff...?

Since you're a painter, you may know of Bob Ross... he is really one of the most "Zen" people I've ever experienced. Have you ever just watched him paint and listened to his voice...? He may be like a kind of "guru" you can turn to when the volume-knob of the world is turned too high. I know he has helped me and he has hundreds of videos. Here's one:



has hundreds of videos teaching people how to paint.

 

[foxdie]

It'd be cool if you could share some of your works on here...

But for now, I'm just wondering what could help you chill-out or cool-down from the recent stuff...?

Since you're a painter, you may know of Bob Ross... he is really one of the most "Zen" people I've ever experienced. Have you ever just watched him paint and listened to his voice...? He may be like a kind of "guru" you can turn to when the volume-knob of the world is turned too high. I know he has helped me and he has hundreds of videos. Here's one:



has hundreds of videos teaching people how to paint.

Oh Bob Ross! what a treasure! I used to watch him all the time.

 

[profoundexperience]

I apologize, @BridgeJumper, but I need to go to sleep now (or at least try myself)...

But do know that there are people here who care about you and wish you well.

If you can do try to get some sleep (I know it's very hard just now)... It'd be good if you can give yourself & your brain a "reset" from what just happened. It'll be a lot easier to make a plan tomorrow after a reset.

I'm actually going to listen (not watch) a Bob Ross video while I myself try to fall asleep right now. And I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well...!

 

[BridgeJumper]

Bob Ross is lovely!
Guys, Im shaking on my bed trying to sleep and this popped up and now Im crying and smiling simultaneously...
I want to post my art but wont load They broke me. I used to paint in rainbowy colours, now I prime my canvases black and dip my brush in my own blood...
They broke me They are driving me to this....

 

[foxdie]

Bob Ross is lovely!
Guys, Im shaking on my bed trying to sleep and this popped up and now Im crying and smiling simultaneously...
I want to post my art but wont load They broke me. I used to paint in rainbowy colours, now I prime my canvases black and dip my brush in my own blood...
They broke me They are driving me to this....
View attachment 55040

I'm sorry so much pain drove you too this but... You lied to us, you said you sucked. That is absolutely fantastic! I'm no expert but that's my opinion.

 

[profoundexperience]

They broke me. I used to paint in rainbowy colours, now I prime my canvases black and dip my brush in my own blood...
They broke me They are driving me to this....

I wouldn't see it so much as breaking you as another part of you is coming out...

You lied to us, you said you sucked. That is absolutely fantastic!

And I have to agree: It reminds me of M.C. Escher... but yours is even more interesting in the use of added dimensionality in the vines/shrubs.

Now, given what you just went through, could you please try something for me (but only if you want to and have the capability)...? Could you put on a Bob Ross video and set it up so you can just focus on the audio... get ready for bed... as comfortably as possible given whatever situation you're in (just whatever the best you can do is good enough)... and turn off all the lights.

I'm really wondering if you imagining and listening to Bob Ross' voice might give you a "secret path" to sleep. If you're willing, could you try it out for me (because I care about you)...?

 

[BridgeJumper]

Yes of course T.T T.T

 

[sadworld]

Sending you and

It's not easy, don't be so hard on yourself

 

[k75]

I'm sorry so much pain drove you too this but... You lied to us, you said you sucked. That is absolutely fantastic! I'm no expert but that's my opinion.

I completely agree with this.

I hope you're able to get some rest, @BridgeJumper. You deserve it after that ordeal.

But also, I really would like to see more of your art, if you'll share. You really are talented. I'm an artist, too, but I struggle.