What to do

[ningaman151]

Hello,

First off I want to start by saying that I know that there is no magic force of morality or justice or any of that bullshit, and that in nothing intrinsicly matters and the universe just is. Despite all this we can agree that suffering sucks. And I'm pretty sure this hits home for many of you, and this is reason for many if not most suicides (and one of the reasons for mine).

For me I don't really care about my life, and I am not sad, deppressed or anything (despite "doctors" saying I am). I am not scared of death; it makes no sense to be scared of something that is certain to happen. I'm not going to get into my reasons for suicide in this post, for they are very long and extremely unusual. But I am very open to talk about them if anyone is curious.

Okay, now to get to the point of this post. I know that my suicide will impact those around me; family, friends, etc.. I don't care about my parents as they selfishly brought me into this world just so they could feel happy, (I think all people who have kids are selfish assholes) and then they raised me blaming me all the time for their hardships as if I chose to be brought into this world. I don't really care about my friends because we never got along very well and I didn't like them too much. I don't care about my extended family as they are all a bunch of stupid religious assholes that can't think for themselves. However, there is one person that I feel sad about sometimes, and that is my little 8 year old brother (well I have two little brothers but I don't care about the older one (12 years old) because he's the most annoying shit). My little brother likes me a lot, I think I might even be his favorite person. Anyway I plan to take nembutal, I've been searching for the right method for months now and this seems to be the best (most lethal and peaceful) option. I think that my brother was a victim of my parent's selfishness, just like me, so I believe it is unfair for him to experience my suicide. Like I said above, I know that morality is a human creation, but I do not want to cause suffering on those who don't deserve it, especially when they are too young to understand. Before anyone says that we exploit the chinese and stuff, I just want to say that that's not really in my control. I have thought of many things. I thought of giving him nembutal at the same time as me, and I thought of taking nembutal when I am in a different country so he would never know about my suicide until my parents tell him when he reaches a certain age. At the same time I think it is better for me to commit suicide now rather than say in 10 years time as he could forget about me at this age. (I might be wrong and it could cause him sever trauma). Anyhow, I have time to kill until I order nembutal, so I thought I'd make this post and see what people think.

Thanks.

 

[nopoint]

What is your unusual reason of wanting to commit suicide?

 

[ningaman151]

What is your unusual reason of wanting to commit suicide?

There are a lot of reasons, I'll try to explain some of them. I can't make sense of existence; as in, it doesn't compute to me that something exists. Is anything even real, do we even exist? The phrase "How strange it is to be anything at all" kind of describes it. Like one would think that the default state would be a void, but we wouldn't know it if we were in that state would we? Maybe this is the only way "things" could exist, I don't know and won't claim to have answers. The state of conciousness is very strange, even frightening. Like how am I put in this body that I have control over and am so limited. Like take vision for example. Your eyes produce an image as if it is burned into your conciousness. How are my senses and thoughts even there. How did anything exist before I was born, and how will I die if I am alive now? Time does not make sense. I cant even remember when I first got conciousness, as if I was stranded into a state of awareness suddenly. It's strange how people lead their lives as if everything is normal and makes sense. I don't understand how they don't find existence strange, and how they go on with their lives as if it was always and always will be that way. Reading over this after writing it I think that I am not doing the idea justice, but it is really hard to put into words. I know that there is a very high chance that I sound cringy, but oh well it doesn't really matter.

Another reason is that I have a constant feeling that the earth around me is spinning and tilting and swaying. It doesn't sound that bad but it's bad to a point where it drives me to suicide,

Another reason is mental health. Apparanty I had a "psychotic" episode. I don't really buy into the shit doctors in psychology have to say, I believe that psychology now is as advanced as surgery was in the year 1000. But basically I was living in fantasy. I believed that I was in a mental battle against the queen and that she was trying to take control over me and such. I also believed I was the last prophet of God. I believed that words have double meaning. For example if you said "I'm eating chicken" that means you're defeating a cowardly person. When I'd walk down the street I would believe that everyone is looking at me or acting because of me, or if I hear people talking I would hear them talking about me or saying coded messages that refer to me or things in my life. One thing I remember which is quite funny actually is that I would walk down this alleyway and there would be birds chirping, and at that time I believed the birds were laughing at me and mocking me. Again this is really hard to explain as it doesn't make a lot of sense, even to me.

Another reason is that I think life is for kids. When you are a kid you are scared of death, as it is unknown and doesn't make sense to you. As a kid you also look onto life with such naive eyes. Like I used to think that when I'm 18 I would be having sex with hot women all the time instead of watching porn or I would be married to a super hot chick and because of that be euphoric all the time. Also I used to think adults talked about extremely important and complex topics, where in reality adults are no smarter than children. It makes no sense to be scared of death in an age of science and technology. Whenever I see a person over 50 I think to myself this person is a pussy, especially if they are really old. How could you go through all these years and still be afraid of death? This reason also links to my next reason.

Life is very boring and repetitive. You wake up, do some shit, go to sleep. This happens every single day, day and night on a constant cycle. Also you have to eat and go to the toilet and all that boring crap. To make it even worse society makes life even shittier than it is. For example I lived in a muslim country, and me being a hormonal teenager all I wanted to do was to have sex. But no, all the girls were stuck up and shit, and thought that they were special and such, and most wouldn't have sex due to religious reasons. And I won't deny it was my fault too, for being a overthinking bitch who expected girls to come to me. Also, talking to people. Almost every conversation is so predictable. "oh hey how are you? How's the weather? How's the family?" that shit gets boring fast. I am getting off topic but the main point is that life is too repetitive, which makes it boring over time.

We are no different from animals, we are animals. Most people, thanks to religion, refuse to accept that we are animals. We do the exact same stuff that animals do, just more intricately. We eat, we shit, we fight over territory, we have reproduce, we die etc. No different than the animals. We are both made of flesh and bone.


There are more reasons, but I think you'd be too bored to read on at this point, if not just reply and I'll post more.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I don't care about my parents as they selfishly brought me into this world just so they could feel happy, (I think all people who have kids are selfish assholes) and then they raised me blaming me all the time for their hardships as if I chose to be brought into this world. ...

I worshipped my mom in principle so this kind of comment used to make me upset. But now I agree with it. Well, except for not caring about my mom if she were still here. I agree that procreating humans, like people who kill animals JUST because they enjoy the results but don't need to to survive, are active agents of suffering. It may be biologically motivated, cultural... but still. So thanks for bringing this idea up again.

I wouldn't choose to "take" anyone with me. Other beings may want to be alive--that should be a choice the individual makes (and one the rest of us respect). At least that's how I feel. Everyone dies. So people have to come to some kind of terms with loved ones' deaths. I hope in the midst of thinking about your own life, you won't be suffocated with thoughts of how your choices will affect others.

Really sorry you're hurting. If it helps to talk to someone else who gets it, PM me anytime. Peace.