What’s keeping you from CTB?

[mythesiah]

What's keeping you from CTB?

I have my own reasons. I want to hear yours as well.

 

[playalistic]

What's keeping you from CTB?

I have my own reasons. I want to hear yours as well.

i'm gonna make a bucketlist of places & people i need to see & music i need to listen to one last time before i die
after i finish that bucketlist i will be at peace
im gonna drive everywhere in a 2-3 hour radius that has ever had sentimental value to me. some places will be difficult to visit due to the memories attached im ngl. but i definitely need to do it before i go. will make the decision to ctb easier when the time comes

i also have a lot of arrangements i need to make, my will, letter, final texts/emails to send, whatever

i'll hopefully be outa here by september or october, sometime after my 21st bday

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Fear of the dying process and/or failing.

 

[gracefulexit]

What's keeping you from CTB?

I have my own reasons. I want to hear yours as well.

Trying to find a good painless way to ctb.

 

[Manic Panic]

Timing , my depression makes me attach to my bed...

 

[TransTaxEvader]

For the moment, it's my fiancé.

 

[TooManyChances]

Resources and SI are a big reason.

I tried drowning, it was beyond scary to say the least, I tried twice and knew it wasn't gonna happen. SI is crazy.

I don't want to try the traditional methods of drowning, hanging or jumping cause they might fail and require planning and timing.

Guns are off-limits. No access in a legal way. I don't trust someone enough to sell me one. Besides, the gunshot method could fail so it's not bulletproof.

Overdoses almost never work, so I'm not trying that and giving myself a bad trip. SN might work, but I can't just order it. I don't love alone and can't leave alone.

I'm trying my own method, it's vsed with extra steps. Trying to induce myself hypokalemia and hypomagnesemia. Hopefully, my heart stops beating. This will take a hell of a long time tho, weeks or months. Probably won't work, but I'll lose weight in the process.

If you mean what's stopping me emotionally, well, nothing lol. Tho I still think it's a shame I didn't get to experience more things.

 

[FuneralCry]

Because I exist in this horrific anti-suicide world where I'm denied the option to cease existing peacefully that is guaranteed with suicide seen as a crime, it's all so terrible and dreadful to me and no matter what I'll always see it as an abomination to suffer in this existence I always saw as a mistake.

I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer so unnecessarily in this deeply undesirable, dreadful existence just to decay and die anyway, I always suffer so much from being burdened with this torturous, futile existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel, all I want is to not exist, only non-existence is positive for me and is all that can bring me any peace.

 

[NeroJune9th]

Uncertainty of the effectiveness of the methods available to me. Also I'm just so tired, I barely have the energy to get out of bed, much less "ctb".

 

[Grog]

I have good friends that make my life worth living~

 

[failedmind]

my mom. also im scared. :(

 

[NoHorizon]

Fear. That'll it won't work, that it'll be agonising, that the aftermath if I don't succeed will be horrible, but the only reason for me is just different forms of fear.

 

[popcorn1234]

It's mainly logistical reasons (I live with my dad and my mom (my mom isn't a good parent and my dad kind of just wants to keep the family together, even though deep down inside, he knows what she is capable of)) and the fear of not succeeding CTB (I could end up in a psych ward, which is the last place I want to be. They treated me like I was less than human).

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

My partner and the fact that it's going to be excruciating and brutal.

 

[Defenestration]

Family, Alzheimer mother

 

[Lyn]

My partner. That's all.

 

[Aiyuxiao]

My husband. Idk how much more longer I can take though :( And I feel like a horrible person about that

 

[NonEssential]

Mostly because of SI and family members. My want to ctb is more about leaving when things become unbearable. Life's bad, but still somewhat tolerable for now I think.

 

[ultradespair]

my mom, cats and everything that would happen after a failed attempt

 

[Forveleth]

I have two failed attempts under my belt so technically I am still here because I was not successful previously.

I have a rule not to make an attempt unless I "feel ready". I merely have not felt that way recently as I have found little things to keep me going.

 

[Paizen]

What's keeping you from CTB?

I have my own reasons. I want to hear yours as well.

I don't want to piss off god if there really was a plan for me all along.

 

[Homeward_Bound]

Fear of pain (SI kicking in). Some things I want to do before ctb. a few aren't realistic (eg. traveling, though I'd love to see the Grand Canyon one more time), others are more so (I want to make a good comfort meal for myself). To an extent I worry about my parents finding me, which is why I'm leaning towards the drowning method since it can be plausibly considered accidental. Unfortunately my circumstances have my back against the wall so it's looking pretty inevitable that I'll have to ctb sooner than later.

 

[Foxcompany2nd3rd]

Im in my 40s, and Ive thought about suicide since I was a child, almost daily. The only way I can keep from thinking about suicide is if I drown myself in videogames and other things, but when Im just lying around Im always thinking about it, and its paralyzed my life. Im frozen in time half dead and half alive. I own many guns and put them against my head loaded and ready to go many times but never manage to go through with it. Ive had a noose around my neck many times while I stand on a stool but never manage to let myself step off the ledge. I dont know what keeps me here, I have no future, Ive worked under the table for most of my life so i dont have a pension or social security check coming. My future is bleak As Fuck. I have no plans or ambition's because i could be dead tomorrow. I cope by telling myself that so I dont need to go out into the world and make something of myself.

There are a few small reasons, but beyond that its really a mystery why Im still here.
1. fear of the pain if i screw it up
2. fear of being found too soon and being a vegetable and trapped as a prisoner in my body
3. fear of the unknown in the afterlife
4. a biology thing aka self preservation mechanism i cannot override

A lot of these fears are because im Autistic and impulsive as fuck and will do things on a whim. So its why i fear i will bungle it up or be found. I think I will succeed eventually, I cant imagine myself in my 60s+ and still miserable as fuck and very likely homeless. I will definitely do it before I reach an age i am no longer able to physically move properly, right now im still healthy.

and to be fair, im a total coward, im mentally weak, Ive always ran away from all my problems in life. I think my autism has a lot to do with it, but maybe its a cope.

 

[Little_Blue_Train]

I need to give birth first, but then the decision will be more problematic anyway so I'm pretty stuck. I don't know if I would feel okay to leave the baby, so most likely I will not CTB and just continue.

 

[Xenudidnothingwrong]

Honestly, it's the logistics of doing it. From what I've researched SN and gunshot are the only two options I'd be comfortable with. Possibly inert gas, but I'm not sure I could get it to work.

At the moment, I'm coming up short on a search for either of these things