Story When I realized that sentience was a 'scam'

[TAW122]

This is a short story when I was growing up and the watershed moments in which I had realized that sentience (life itself) was a 'scam' when growing up. This ranges from dating, relationships, working hard, realizing the grind was a scam, and just the overall rip-off of sentience (life/existence) itself. I decided it just wasn't good enough for me to fight for something that I may not be guaranteed to get and hence in my life I've kind of just coped and bid my time throughout adulthood and wanted to CTB even in my early 20's. I never really got serious about the act of CTB until late 20's and have been wanting to go ever since. Of course, with such a monumental and extremely important decision, I want ensure that things are as close to 100% ready and as failsafe as possible before I go because I cannot (and will not) risk failure over it and such.

One major moment I had was when I realized that my peers or others (upon observation and referencing my peers) had much less or even similar background (of course, there are more variables to it but for the sake of the story I'm keeping it simple) and still managed to get by (Also note: Not going off on a tangent about the don't compare yourself to others situation bs) and that things just didn't math or equate out to logic. This is not limited to relationships and dating (which I've officially swore off in my 20's or so), financial successes, and of course fantasies and other goals. The most key aspect is that when I realized I was "working harder and suffering more for half (or sometimes less to none) of the rewards that I was hoping to get", then the illusion of meritocracy broke for me and my whole interpretation that sentience before has changed. After that realization, I came to the conclusion that sentience was a 'scam'. This was when I stopped caring about societal expectations and simply just bid my time until the inevitable comes. While I maintained facades not because I wanted to, but out of necessity, I was essentially suffering and just maintaining the bare minimum of appearances in order to not draw unwanted attention to myself or make things anymore difficult than it is.

When did you realize that sentience was a scam and life inherently was unfair and not worth living?

 

[fedup1982]

I was 6 when I have my first memory of not wanting to exist. But now in my early 40s, as much as I would rather not exist, leaving this life is just too messy, too risky, probably, for me to actually go ahead unless euthanasia is made legal for me.

Given how hard dying is, I suggest that while you plan for CTB you also plan contingency for the case where you have no choice but to live. My advice is don't sabotage your life because between the government and your biology, all systems have been optimised to make sure you live. I know, it's fking cruel to the point of being a fking joke and idk what to say to comfort you.

I suppose it is possible life could get better? Maybe seeking help could get you somewhere? It's helped me, even if not as far as I'd have liked at all, but maybe there's more they can still do for me so maybe the same is true for you. Drugs and therapy can do surprising things. But I get it, I know what it's like to be hell bent against living, against needlessly cruel, cold systems. But maybe it's possible for changes to happen that help us look past them since stranger things have happened

 

[TAW122]

Cool story, and yeah I'm not entirely throwing away my entire life away or at least not directly sabotaging it since I know if I'm going to CTB, I'd at least make sure I wouldn't have made things more complicated than it should. Most likely I'll live life the same in the interim and when I get around to CTB, I will just go through with it and not look back and such.

I don't agree with the fact of seeking drugs and therapy and I've even written many threads (including a megathread) explaining my stance so I won't repeat it all here.