I've been sick since January and struggling with an array of different symptoms that I won't even fully get into bc I'm tired. It affected my GI/digestive system largely which in turn has made eating such a complicated task. I don't enjoy food and have developed some form of disordered eating. I dropped 60lbs due to not eating properly and from the weight/muscle loss my already hypermobile joints have gotten weaker and ache. My GI symptoms can not be explained by any test and imaging and I've had pretty extensive work up. Doctors don't know what's wrong which means my treatment options have just been guessing games with no relief found. Trying to navigate the medical system, being your own doctor by researching your symptoms for answers all while feeling unwell is beyond exhausting. I wake up everyday in disbelief that is what my life has come to. I've always struggled with health issues thru out my life but nothing , nothing this devastating. This has taken everything that I ever enjoyed away from me. i feel like a shell of my self. I cry every day from the emotional and physical burden this has all caused. I rarely leave the house. Interacting with society is a constant reminder of everything I lost. I don't talk to any of my friends. I just watch tv all day. I live with my mom and dad and my mom has essentially became my care taker. I have support and loving family but this only goes so far. I use to have such a fruitful life and was going towards living my dream life. I have been robbed of any form of quality of life. ive been on FMLA but I'm going to lose my job soon if my health doesn't improve. Nobody can understand the torment getting thru a single day. Everything is spiraling I am so so sad and hopeless. I'm holding on for my mom, dad , sister and dog and the fact that I'm actually terrified to commit. I wish my life wasn't one of the ruined ones :(
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Hey Guest,
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I was in a VERY nasty car crash in April 2015, and the crash tore part of my spinal cord out of the back base of my brain and now I have horrible 24/7 chronic pain.
The sad fact of the matter is that I was not at fault, in fact at the wrong place at the wrong time. I was driving south, and another driver was driving east, and he blew through the stop sign and I t-boned him at around 50mph. There is a walking path at the scene, and it was full of folks walking and they said that he did not even apply his brakes at all, just went straight through the stop sign.
When I woke up in ICU the next day, I was informed that he was mad that he did not get to go "clubbing" and did not care one bit that he put me in ICU at all.
Now I take a lot of opioids, 20mg of Hydromorphone each day and I wear a 20mcg buprenorphine patch. They will be jumping me way up the ladder in the opioid chain. either fentanyl or 50mg of Hydromorphone.
My CNS (central nervous system) is completely trashed, and I not only have the darn 24/7 pain but now I am starting to lose feeling in my right side and down the road there is a possibility that I will not be able to walk again.
I WILL NOT ever go into a wheelchair, as I will do the Sarco device or something of that nature first.
I am going to leave a college scholarship after I am dust. I want young, old, age does not matter at all. to get an education and better themselves.
Walter
The sad fact of the matter is that I was not at fault, in fact at the wrong place at the wrong time. I was driving south, and another driver was driving east, and he blew through the stop sign and I t-boned him at around 50mph. There is a walking path at the scene, and it was full of folks walking and they said that he did not even apply his brakes at all, just went straight through the stop sign.
When I woke up in ICU the next day, I was informed that he was mad that he did not get to go "clubbing" and did not care one bit that he put me in ICU at all.
Now I take a lot of opioids, 20mg of Hydromorphone each day and I wear a 20mcg buprenorphine patch. They will be jumping me way up the ladder in the opioid chain. either fentanyl or 50mg of Hydromorphone.
My CNS (central nervous system) is completely trashed, and I not only have the darn 24/7 pain but now I am starting to lose feeling in my right side and down the road there is a possibility that I will not be able to walk again.
I WILL NOT ever go into a wheelchair, as I will do the Sarco device or something of that nature first.
I am going to leave a college scholarship after I am dust. I want young, old, age does not matter at all. to get an education and better themselves.
Walter
That sound absolutely dreadful…I am so sorry you were injured from the carelessness of others :( and yet you seem so giving and selfless yourself. This life is unfair. I wish euthanasia was more available to those dealing with physical illness or pain.
nihilistic_dragon
Dead already. Just need to dispose of my body now.
- Aug 6, 2024
- 741
I have more than one reasons for being here but yes, health is one of them. I'm a very healthy person in general and a bit of a health nut. But this year I stupidly gave myself a health issue that has pretty much no remedy at this point because I am an idiot who prioritized work instead of my health. I was working for pennies anyway just trying to make ends meet. Fuck this bullshit planet. Why do I have to pay to be able to exist on it?
Z-A
Let me go
- Mar 3, 2024
- 345
Kidney stones and panic disorder—both chronic conditions because you can't fully heal from them. They're bearable for now, thanks to previous operations for kidney stones and current medications for panic disorder.
I've reached the point of considering CTB mainly because of my past traumatic experiences with kidney stones, clinical depression, and high anxiety levels. These likely contributed to my current mental health issues.
Aside from my personal problems, I've always found this existence sadistic and unfair. The way it's designed—with so much potential for harm and damage—feels absolutely unnecessary and cruel. I've seen both good and evil, but it's not fair.
I've reached the point of considering CTB mainly because of my past traumatic experiences with kidney stones, clinical depression, and high anxiety levels. These likely contributed to my current mental health issues.
Aside from my personal problems, I've always found this existence sadistic and unfair. The way it's designed—with so much potential for harm and damage—feels absolutely unnecessary and cruel. I've seen both good and evil, but it's not fair.
I don't want my chronic ilness to continue get worse, which is unavoidable. Unfortunately, having been born as a human. Means that you have to depend on other people for all your needs. These in return really don't care about you.
Either want to profit off you or do stuff where they fill better about themselves. Also of course many want to push their worldview and/or how you should/have to live life.
Also the (human) live expectancy is too long for me. Especially in my case with a chronic disease and I cannot work a full time job. Surviving on a part time job solely without some help of my family is not possible. Parents will not be always there.
I wish I could have a chronic disease where I would die in 1-2 weeks fast and somewhat humane. Like for example a heart attack or my ability to breath (pneumothorax) totally collapses in my sleep.
Either want to profit off you or do stuff where they fill better about themselves. Also of course many want to push their worldview and/or how you should/have to live life.
Also the (human) live expectancy is too long for me. Especially in my case with a chronic disease and I cannot work a full time job. Surviving on a part time job solely without some help of my family is not possible. Parents will not be always there.
I wish I could have a chronic disease where I would die in 1-2 weeks fast and somewhat humane. Like for example a heart attack or my ability to breath (pneumothorax) totally collapses in my sleep.
SomePeacePlease
Existing before Exiting
- May 28, 2023
- 28
I feel this a lot.
- Diagnosed Bipolar and MDD
- 24 antidepressants tested since 2005
- Admitted multiple times to ward
- Chronically suicidal
- 20 ECT (Electroshock treatments)
All it's done is mess up my brain chemistry further, and I just want to let go, but I don't want my son to be traumatised. I want an illness that is not my fault, given 2 weeks to live. It won't be my fault, and I can finally be done with this hell.
Preferably I want to donate my life to a person that wants to live.
Regardless I'm very close to do the night-night method, and get it over with.
Yep. Chronic illness is life down the goddam toilet. I'm trapped in torture.
Sorry, rant on…And people go "whats the matter with you now"? Now? The same as what was the fucking matter with me yesterday. Except today its one day worse. And every day the trauma grows and grows and grows. And the body declines almost imperceptibly, just enough so you know you're going downhill, to keep you scared and less functional, less able to participate in life, but not enough to get you out of this hell fast enough. And people who havent been in chronic physical or mental illness have nfi what relentless torture of another day another week on and on in a cage could even be like. Whats the matter with me now? Fucking hell. I want the fuck OUT OF HERE !! Thats the matter.
I wish sometimes there was a ctb that was an instant act of anguish. Like Ive already decided, so it wouldnt be a rash decision, just an act to release the maxed out torment. One massive act of fucked off and gone.
I guess thats where firearms come in. Knives just wouldnt cut it. Pun intended
How is it that stress can knock our health down, but years of torture and terror once in the health nightmare doesnt take us out fully? Why are our body's hanging in here relentlessly? I dont get it. Let us the hell out of here. If chronic stress -> chronic illness, then chronic terror should -> death, quickly.
Sorry to read everyone's stories. What a shithole of a scenario for us to be in. Every chronic health nightmare should come with free nembutal. And some rockets to throw at people that treat us with condescension.
Sorry, rant on…And people go "whats the matter with you now"? Now? The same as what was the fucking matter with me yesterday. Except today its one day worse. And every day the trauma grows and grows and grows. And the body declines almost imperceptibly, just enough so you know you're going downhill, to keep you scared and less functional, less able to participate in life, but not enough to get you out of this hell fast enough. And people who havent been in chronic physical or mental illness have nfi what relentless torture of another day another week on and on in a cage could even be like. Whats the matter with me now? Fucking hell. I want the fuck OUT OF HERE !! Thats the matter.
I wish sometimes there was a ctb that was an instant act of anguish. Like Ive already decided, so it wouldnt be a rash decision, just an act to release the maxed out torment. One massive act of fucked off and gone.
I guess thats where firearms come in. Knives just wouldnt cut it. Pun intended
How is it that stress can knock our health down, but years of torture and terror once in the health nightmare doesnt take us out fully? Why are our body's hanging in here relentlessly? I dont get it. Let us the hell out of here. If chronic stress -> chronic illness, then chronic terror should -> death, quickly.
Sorry to read everyone's stories. What a shithole of a scenario for us to be in. Every chronic health nightmare should come with free nembutal. And some rockets to throw at people that treat us with condescension.
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@whywere that sounds horrible, my man. I am so sorry that happened to you.
I, too, have chronic pain issues. It's a long sordid tale that nobody wants to hear but a constant, unrelenting migraine that cycles into cluster headaches caused by abuse I suffered as a kid was my major complaint most of my life.
As if that wasn't enough, a few years ago I had an accident that broke my back in several places and damaged the nerves all up and down my spine. So now I deal with that neuropathic pain and my arms and legs not working properly at times. I also had a closed head injury that has made my headaches worse (I really didn't think that was possible) and affected my short term memory.
I'm on a really high opioid pain management program but it just barely takes the sharp edge off my pain. But the pain never goes away. It is just a matter of how MUCH it hurts, not WHETHER it hurts. And that gets really tiresome. If it wasn't for my kids and my pets I would have moved on already.
I, too, have chronic pain issues. It's a long sordid tale that nobody wants to hear but a constant, unrelenting migraine that cycles into cluster headaches caused by abuse I suffered as a kid was my major complaint most of my life.
As if that wasn't enough, a few years ago I had an accident that broke my back in several places and damaged the nerves all up and down my spine. So now I deal with that neuropathic pain and my arms and legs not working properly at times. I also had a closed head injury that has made my headaches worse (I really didn't think that was possible) and affected my short term memory.
I'm on a really high opioid pain management program but it just barely takes the sharp edge off my pain. But the pain never goes away. It is just a matter of how MUCH it hurts, not WHETHER it hurts. And that gets really tiresome. If it wasn't for my kids and my pets I would have moved on already.
divinemistress36
Illuminated
- Jan 1, 2024
- 3,338
Did you get permanent memory loss from ECT? I feel like I dont remember half my life
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I realize better than most how awful this is. I have lost entire years of my life due to trauma induced memory loss. Problem with that is I lost the good along with the bad. So much of my children's childhoods are lost to me. Luckily if they will prompt a good memory by talking about it I can usually recall it then. But it is hard knowing I have to rely on them. I can't just sit and daydream about what it was when it was just be and the kids on a good day at the lake, or the zoo, or the park. (All places I KNOW we went but I just see a blank, black slate when I try to recall those memories on my own.
divinemistress36
Illuminated
- Jan 1, 2024
- 3,338
Ptsd causes memory loss it sucks :( ya it breaks my heart when people bring up good memories that I cant rememberI realize better than most how awful this is. I have lost entire years of my life due to trauma induced memory loss. Problem with that is I lost the good along with the bad. So much of my children's childhoods are lost to me. Luckily if they will prompt a good memory by talking about it I can usually recall it then. But it is hard knowing I have to rely on them. I can't just sit and daydream about what it was when it was just be and the kids on a good day at the lake, or the zoo, or the park. (All places I KNOW we went but I just see a blank, black slate when I try to recall those memories on my own.
I know, kiddo. And it is awful. You can always talk to me if you need a shoulder.
NegevChina
Experienced
- Sep 5, 2024
- 279
I so much understand what your going through. I'm suffering the same with my GI symptoms. I'm sure I found what's wrong though Doctors didn't. Anyway there is no real cure for me. In addition ive got CPTSD from childhood trauma. Lost my job. Its been a year. Gonna loose my house, my dignity cause there is no diagnose and my family wont understand why I cant work. Hanging on just for my kids.
Same here don't want my sons and rest of family to be traumatized.
I'm close to jumping. Failing an attempt will make everything so much worse.
Health and money.....the only reasons I'm here.
Had them both going in the right direction and some nasty, evil people didn't like that. Guardian devils out to maximize misery in my life. I've spent most of the last few years lying in bed in pain.
Had them both going in the right direction and some nasty, evil people didn't like that. Guardian devils out to maximize misery in my life. I've spent most of the last few years lying in bed in pain.
Arachno
oh no :(
- Apr 10, 2023
- 251
I didn't join because of health issues initially but now health issues and anxiety are the main reason I'm suicidal, so kind of. I have scoliosis and now the back pain is starting to settle in, I'm also dealing with various pains throughout my entire body (it feels like everytime a pain dissapears, another one appears at a different place), and most recently I started having GI issues, I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I'm too terrified to go to a doctor and the fact I don't know what's causing the GI issues has been wrecking me mentally for weeks now, I'm genuinely scared what else is gonna mess up inside of me, I don't have a way to end this weird life yet :(
It's horrible when you are scared of illnesses and doctors, hospitals and medical procedures at the same time.
It's horrible when you are scared of illnesses and doctors, hospitals and medical procedures at the same time.
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SomePeacePlease
Existing before Exiting
- May 28, 2023
- 28
Yes, there are black holes. People, situations and places I can't remember after I did it. I also got chronic back pain after it. Had I known it would only make things worse, I'd never have done it. I'm sorry you had, and still is, going thru the same.
divinemistress36
Illuminated
- Jan 1, 2024
- 3,338
Im sorry! The doctors lied and said it would only be temporary
Unleashtherain
Student
- Nov 12, 2024
- 111
Treatment resistant schizoaffective that only continues to get worse. Chronic pain from nerve damage (hydradenitissupporativa), drug induced parkinsonism, dysphagia, Panic Disorder, diabetes, and brain damage from so many medications and episodes that can't be controlled. I'm constantly in a state of psychosis and have zero quality of life. Treatments were a sham and I'm so tired of every single day being more torturous than the day before. I miss my intellect more than anything. Yet, I had this odd presumption that medications would help me. I see my psychiatrist in two days and I have no clue what he'll do. I just came out of a voluntarily hospitalization so I'm assuming he's going to try clozaril and push ECT.
Oh gosh! That is terrible. Why do doctors do this shit?? I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "oh yes! This will definitely help you" and then when it not only didn't help, but it made things worse, they would say "Well nothing is 100%." Fuckers ......
I cried reading your post, as I know all to well what chronic pain and having to be on very strong opioids are like. I am on 20mcg Buprenorphine patch and 20mg of Hydromorphone right now and they are trying to figure out how to jump me up to keep the razor edge pain away so it is just a pain that I might be able to handle.
You are such a WONDERFUL soul, ever since you joined, I always not only love reading your wisdom but just how empathetic you are to everyone. Having you as family here REALLY makes me think family all the time here.
I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and always will, no wonder my "dad" used to beat the hell out of me as I was growing up, men do not cry, well I do.
I am blessed in having everyone here as family and you @CatLvr are just like a heartfelt sister to/for me, and I can never thank you enough for that ever.
Lots of blue sunny skies and huge hugs and love to you.
Walter
Neowise
We fly and fly but never reach our destination.
- Oct 7, 2020
- 494
Man, reading all your stories makes me feel awful. I can't imagine what it's like to live in constant pain and discomfort. I'm so sorry for you guys.
I'm so sorry to hear so many struggles. I was diagnosed with an incredibly rare problem in my brain 6 months ago. It completely destroyed my life. I feel done. I didn't enjoy my life before because of various mental issues, but I fought to keep going. But with my current issues I don't see the point. Every moment is hell. I can't sleep or eat or relax. Just long minutes, hours, days, weeks. I have everything set to go, but some small part is hanging on hoping for relief. And if I'm honest it's because I'm too cowardly to finish it. But sooner later if my ability to think gets any worse, I'll have to.
I'm appreciate everyone who is so kind on these boards and shares. It makes me feel a little less alone. So tired and alone.
I'm appreciate everyone who is so kind on these boards and shares. It makes me feel a little less alone. So tired and alone.
Chronicallyunwell
Member
- Aug 9, 2024
- 99
Walter you're so sweet
This rings so true for how I feel. My life was always suffering in my childhood. Finally got to a place where it wasn't constant anguish. Started to get ahead enough that I thought I could maybe make a life that I didn't hate. Then bad luck hits and it destroys everything. You look out in the world and see awful evil people thrive. It's so fucking unfair.
Chronicallyunwell
Member
- Aug 9, 2024
- 99
It's not your fault im so sorry.
People may know my story. I have a disease that nobody can figure out (chronic UTI/interstitial cystitis)
It is constant burning and pain and urinating all day long and nobody understands how awful that is.
I am on here for health issues. Easily preventable ones that have ruined my life.
I have become anxious, scared, insecure, angry, everything. It's changed me as a person. Pretty much impossible to live out the life you want to live, when your constantly being dragged down by things outside of your control. It makes you depressed that you can't change it, lost because you don't know what to do with yourself, and just so so angry that your in this position.
It just changes everything. Everything that I do or think about now revolves around this. Every single thing. I can't look 5 years into the future and imagine what I will accomplish and what I will experience. Instead, I look 5 years into the future and my only thought is how much this will continue affecting my life, how much more will this take from me, how well I can cope. And the worst part is the constant regret that this should not have happened to me.
Well.. i'm tired of coping. tired of living as a shell of a human being. tired of battling this everyday. So I'm done. I'm just done. This has stripped away from me everything and more. It is one of the most soul-crushing things I have felt, I just want to yell at the universe for why I'm the one in this position.
I have become anxious, scared, insecure, angry, everything. It's changed me as a person. Pretty much impossible to live out the life you want to live, when your constantly being dragged down by things outside of your control. It makes you depressed that you can't change it, lost because you don't know what to do with yourself, and just so so angry that your in this position.
It just changes everything. Everything that I do or think about now revolves around this. Every single thing. I can't look 5 years into the future and imagine what I will accomplish and what I will experience. Instead, I look 5 years into the future and my only thought is how much this will continue affecting my life, how much more will this take from me, how well I can cope. And the worst part is the constant regret that this should not have happened to me.
Well.. i'm tired of coping. tired of living as a shell of a human being. tired of battling this everyday. So I'm done. I'm just done. This has stripped away from me everything and more. It is one of the most soul-crushing things I have felt, I just want to yell at the universe for why I'm the one in this position.
qualityOV3Rquantity
Student
- Jul 27, 2024
- 180
I'm here because of a stubborn case of irritable bowel syndrome which hasn't responded to any treatment. I have no desire to live with constant pain and disfunction in my stomach and intestines, so if I can't find a way to cure myself or at least reduce my symptoms, I'm committing suicide next year.
dontwakemeup
Specialist
- Nov 11, 2024
- 306
I have nerve pain and it's awful! It consumes my life! Soon as I wake up, I'm scared to move. I wait every second to see if I'll be in pain. Simple task of turning I have to do slowly. Having chronic pain is very depressing, nobody understands and is isolating. People seen to think pain medication works and you're fine, it barely takes the edge off. Everyday is a bad day, mixed with anxiety is unbearable to wake up sometimes. I keep all my medication in my bed and a bottle of water so when I wake up I take my medicine if I feel the pain start.
I'm sorry to everyone who suffer in silence. We don't deserve any of this!
I'm sorry to everyone who suffer in silence. We don't deserve any of this!
I'm so sorry to read about all of your pain and trauma. I can relate because I have rheumatoid arthritis along with several other autoimmune conditions. As I age, every year gets worse and worse.
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