Discussion Why are you here on this forum?

[MyShadow]

I found this forum while searching online for CTB methods and how-to books, and I am so grateful for it. I used to speak with my therapist but telling him the truth would inevitably get me into a position where I no longer have control over my life. I keep a journal but fear that someone will find and read it, so I keep the entries fairly general. But here, on this forum I can write down what I feel and remain anonymous if I choose. I've been here for 7 days and have posted every day because of that freedom. I know that if I shared any of these thoughts with my friends, they will certainly freak out and interfere with my plans.

So I come here instead.

Here, I can share my pain. I can share my thoughts. I can interact and learn from those who have been at this stage in their lives for a while and have more wisdom and knowledge than I do. I came here to learn how to CTB with the confidence that I won't fail.

Simultaneously, SanSu is a scary place because of all of the posts about failed attempts. Fuck, who knew that exiting life would prove to be so complicated. Yet it's good to know there's a place where I can learn how to do it right.

I appreciate knowing that I am not alone. Thank you to everyone here who is helping me understand and find the courage to finish my journey.

How do you deal with your feelings? Why are you here?

 

[EternalHunger]

I'm just so incredibly lonely, I continue to stay stuck mentally of my almost 2 decades of total isolation, child abuse and severe bullying while even now I just instead hurt the people around me after I finally was able to change myself to the point that others would accept me easily; I just thought this site would be a comfort place where I can trust myself on while also talking about my suicidal intent.

There's a lot of other reasons too but I'd rather keep those for a standalone post than summarise them...

 

[MyShadow]

I'm just so incredibly lonely, I continue to stay stuck mentally of my almost 2 decades of total isolation, child abuse and severe bullying while even now I just instead hurt the people around me after I finally was able to change myself to the point that others would accept me easily; I just thought this site would be a comfort place where I can trust myself on while also talking about my suicidal intent.

There's a lot of other reasons too but I'd rather keep those for a standalone post than summarise them...

I understand and empathize with you.

 

[bluebook]

I first found this forum when I was researching a youtuber I watched who killed himself; I found a post about him on this forum. For a good several months I lurked here and found it to be really welcoming and interesting, a breath of fresh air compared to other internet forums. I love how honest and kind people are here. Of course I relate to the dark side of things, I am probably not as depressed as the average sasu user but I've been there, and I probably will be again eventually. Thats just how I work.

Also your username always reminds me of this song

 

[usernamegoeshere]

im here actually with the intent of recovery, but i wanted a safe space to discuss with others thoughts that would land me in the ward i actually find that this site kind of brings me comfort when im at a low point cuz it makes me realize im not alone

 

[Dejected 55]

I found it accidentally. Sometimes I just go to Google and post random "I want to die immediately" variations and see what comes up... and this site happened once or twice. Took me a bit to bookmark it... then a bit more to browse around... then signed up back in May or so I think.

Initially I was looking for methods, wondering what worked and what didn't, what would be painless and so forth. I've fallen into some conversations here and there, and it has become a place for me to vent sometimes too.

 

[Hellis]

Having breakdown can't let them know

 

[usernamesarehard]

I guess I'm here to complain lol. I make posts complaining about a variety of things and I complain in other threads about whatever topic the op brings up. I guess I'm also here for community. I don't really have any friends and the few I do I haven't talked to in a while because they're too busy. Sometimes I look for advice.

 

[MyShadow]

I first found this forum when I was researching a youtuber I watched who killed himself; I found a post about him on this forum. For a good several months I lurked here and found it to be really welcoming and interesting, a breath of fresh air compared to other internet forums. I love how honest and kind people are here. Of course I relate to the dark side of things, I am probably not as depressed as the average sasu user but I've been there, and I probably will be again eventually. Thats just how I work.

Also your username always reminds me of this song

Thanks for elaborating.

My user name is actually inspired by the teachings of Carl Jung. "The shadow represents the darker, repressed aspects of the personality that are often feared or denied." I spent many years fighting and denying my shadow but now that I fully embrace that part of my soul, I feel slightly more free.

I found it accidentally. Sometimes I just go to Google and post random "I want to die immediately" variations and see what comes up... and this site happened once or twice. Took me a bit to bookmark it... then a bit more to browse around... then signed up back in May or so I think.

Initially I was looking for methods, wondering what worked and what didn't, what would be painless and so forth. I've fallen into some conversations here and there, and it has become a place for me to vent sometimes too.

So apparently we're here for the same bloody reason.

 

[MyShadow]

im here actually with the intent of recovery, but i wanted a safe space to discuss with others thoughts that would land me in the ward i actually find that this site kind of brings me comfort when im at a low point cuz it makes me realize im not alone

You're not alone. You're here with the rest of us. I am glad that this space brings you comfort as well. This community is so necessary right now.

 

[westerly_merlin]

I found the site after my attempt.

For me, it is a safe space to express how I feel with understanding people from all over the globe who have similar thoughts.

I can express myself here in a way I can't with my therapist, friends and family as they would all feel they have a duty of care and take actions for me that they think are in my best interests without taking my wishes into consideration.

At the moment I am having a really hard time but I am not planning on CTB even though I have thoughts and ideas. There is no way I would tell my friends what I feel I can say here.

I have not been on SASU long but I like the sense of shared support you give.

 

[MyShadow]

I found the site after my attempt.

For me, it is a safe space to express how I feel with understanding people from all over the globe who have similar thoughts.

I can express myself here in a way I can't with my therapist, friends and family as they would all feel they have a duty of care and take actions for me that they think are in my best interests without taking my wishes into consideration.

At the moment I am having a really hard time but I am not planning on CTB even though I have thoughts and ideas. There is no way I would tell my friends what I feel I can say here.

I have not been on SASU long but I like the sense of shared support you give.

I am here for you, just as you've been there for me. I hope we can both find peace in our own way.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Loneliness, unemployment, life dissatisfaction. I spend hours every day checking this forum because I have nothing better to do. I wish I had a real life, but I'm just not something that is socially acceptable, so I'm stuck alone and bored.

 

[usernamegoeshere]

You're not alone. You're here with the rest of us. I am glad that this space brings you comfort as well. This community is so necessary right now.

oh definitely. it's nice to have a little ACTUALLY safe space to chat about this stuff. i understand outsider's worries but i really think this is a nice little community

 

[hippiedeath]

Suicide occupies my mind a lot lately since I moved home. I'm trapped kind of by a narcissist. I need support and help, on top of that I'm a vile person. Death seems like my one option.

 

[dogwolfybark]

After dealing with mental health issues my entire life, constant battles with myself.
After being divorced because of those mental health issues. I'm alone. I've been alone most my life. Lots of therapy and prescriptions but it's only the management of
my symptoms.
The pain hurts, it hurts so bad. I can write an entire essay about everything that's happened in my life. But the pain somehow
feels a little better knowing others are having the same experiences. Don't have to be cautionary about everything you say,
nobody's gonna throw you in a psych ward for weeks. I can actually get insight into what others are feeling.
I was a pretty popular artist online, you can't exactly vent in public spaces like that without getting wellness checks.
and if i ever want to ctb, then I'll know how to do it right so i wont risk being a vegetable.

 

[Realgar]

I found this forum while searching online for CTB methods and how-to books, and I am so grateful for it. I used to speak with my therapist but telling him the truth would inevitably get me into a position where I no longer have control over my life. I keep a journal but fear that someone will find and read it, so I keep the entries fairly general. But here, on this forum I can write down what I feel and remain anonymous if I choose. I've been here for 7 days and have posted every day because of that freedom. I know that if I shared any of these thoughts with my friends, they will certainly freak out and interfere with my plans.

So I come here instead.

Here, I can share my pain. I can share my thoughts. I can interact and learn from those who have been at this stage in their lives for a while and have more wisdom and knowledge than I do. I came here to learn how to CTB with the confidence that I won't fail.

Simultaneously, SanSu is a scary place because of all of the posts about failed attempts. Fuck, who knew that exiting life would prove to be so complicated. Yet it's good to know there's a place where I can learn how to do it right.

I appreciate knowing that I am not alone. Thank you to everyone here who is helping me understand and find the courage to finish my journey.

How do you deal with your feelings? Why are you here?

Learning about all the failed attempts is extremely important. Thank you to all the people who posted about their failed attempts!!! Reading about the failed attempts provides much needed information, information not available elsewhere.

 

[AlistairSky]

I'm here because I'm tired of people I know telling me they want me to open up when they really don't. I keep reminding them I'm autistic and begging them to be straightforward but they won't. It's "can I vent?" "of course " and then twenty minutes later they're telling me to stop being a doomer and acting like it's the end of the world.

Recently a friend was complaining to me that another friend "left him for dead" when he was suicidal... Even though he did the same to me and I was the one who ended up apologizing for making my mental issues known... after he asked...

I just need to bitch somewhere. It's the closest I'll get to having the kind of support I give my friends.

 

[DeplorableHuman]

@MyShadow

You mention that you're going to a therapist but that you're not telling him "the truth". What can a therapist do for you if he doesn't know what you really think?

I ask this because I've been pondering about going to a therapist. I also know that if I go I will lie about my actual feelings/thoughts at first, out of fear of medical/legal consequences. And that I will probably never open up completely because I would have to tell him/her that I lied. Which will undoubtedly cause them to put everything I say into question. And then I feel that we're both gonna be "suspicious" (for a lack of a better word) of eachother. Before I know it I've created another hostile environment for no good reason.

In my mind such a setting can't provide anything insightful/positive for me.
It al boils down to this: I will focus on what the therapist wants to hear out of fear of the consequences and that'll help no-one.

Can he provide things that will help you? Or is it just an "obligation" to go at this point?

I mean no harm and only wish you the best! I say this explicitly because I don't have the ability to accurately see how other people interpret my communications and, it would break my heart if my question would come across as trying to be mean.

 

[brokenspirited]

Existence is just so dreadful and miserable words cannot describe how much I want to fall into a deep dreamless sleep be forgotten by everyone and permanently cease to exist.

 

[final.call]

Reached complete despair on living my life to the point I really don't want to exist anymore. I have made up my mind after years of struggling of being stuck in the same place mentally. I'm here because I finally want to CTB and want help doing so.

 

[tapetum_lucidum]

Found the site a few years ago through a video talking about it (didn't name it but I was able to figure it out) I've been wanting to die for years so I'm glad to have a place where I can learn about methods that are reliable. It's also nice to have a non-judgmental place to vent about things.

 

[submarinedownsea]

Im lonely and i hate this life so that was my combo to join here, listen to people like me and see if i can end up with all the suffering. Im happy being here, even tought its not for to much time, its nice to see im not the only one and i can talk about what i want whithout people geting scared or disgusted of me.

 

[dissociation]

I need a place where I can be honest about how I feel and connect with people who might understand.

 

[westerly_merlin]

@MyShadow

You mention that you're going to a therapist but that you're not telling him "the truth". What can a therapist do for you if he doesn't know what you really think?

I ask this because I've been pondering about going to a therapist. I also know that if I go I will lie about my actual feelings/thoughts at first, out of fear of medical/legal consequences. And that I will probably never open up completely because I would have to tell him/her that I lied. Which will undoubtedly cause them to put everything I say into question. And then I feel that we're both gonna be "suspicious" (for a lack of a better word) of eachother. Before I know it I've created another hostile environment for no good reason.

In my mind such a setting can't provide anything insightful/positive for me.
It al boils down to this: I will focus on what the therapist wants to hear out of fear of the consequences and that'll help no-one.

Can he provide things that will help you? Or is it just an "obligation" to go at this point?

I mean no harm and only wish you the best! I say this explicitly because I don't have the ability to accurately see how other people interpret my communications and, it would break my heart if my question would come across as trying to be mean.

I don't tell my therapist everything. I tell them about my SH, my worries and how I am generally feeling but mentioning CTB ideation would focus the session on suicide and trigger wellness checks. (I hate that term as it is really some authority/agency taking over my life against my wishes)

With my therapist, we are working through my sense of self worth and the reasons why I am how I am. We also work on current triggers and how I can (or should) deal with them.

For me therapy is about getting me to be comfortable in my own self and building the mental fortitude to deal with people and events that overwhelm me in a safe and non-self-harmful way.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

Self destruction amd I'm here because I enjoy being around people who actually get me . I've been around death for a long time in my life and I'm not judge here for talking about it.

 

[RandomGuy24]

I've been having constant suicidal thoughts lately and wanted to find a method that appeals to me if I ever decide to ctb.
I vaguely remembered hearing about this site so I lurked for a bit. I was expecting a much more hostile environment given how most forums are.
I was surprised by how honest and nice everyone seems so I made an account yesterday to talk and (maybe) vent. And to use the search feature lol.

 

[DaisiesRegrets]

I'm here because I find I relate the most to people on this forum than anywhere else really. It seems that I can't relate to most people, and even when I do they end up leaving, usually do to my inability to be happy. I just couldn't handle the constant loneliness anymore. I found this site via just googling "how to commit suicide" and variations of that, knowing that I'd obviously find nothing of value besides the same suicide hotline number which I've seen far too much. On one of these occasions, I saw this site and started getting sucked more and more into it. It's nice to see people being actually honest and not spout out the same shit I've heard my entire life about how it "gets better" and whatnot.

 

[EternalShore]

im here actually with the intent of recovery, but i wanted a safe space to discuss with others thoughts that would land me in the ward i actually find that this site kind of brings me comfort when im at a low point cuz it makes me realize im not alone

oooo~ very interesting! :3 I'm glad it brings you comfort, and I hope you're able to recover! ^_^ When I'm in the better part of my cycle, it can feel the same way for me too~ xD

Anyways, there was a recent thread about a similar topic that even journalists took note of, but since I'm still here, I might as well re-post my reasons~ xD

1. For one, it's much better to talk about sewer slide with other actual people rather than someone who will report you, pro-lifers, or an AI which will constantly censor itself~ This is why I joined~ :)
2. I have a few mental/physical/societal ailments that will always predispose me to being sewer slidal that won't change regardless of how I handle them~ Basically, it'd take a miracle or 2 for me to ever be happy~
3. It's much better than any other social media platform in that people on other platforms are typically much more "meme-y" and will qrt bad stuff for attention while people here are very nice~ :)
4. I feel like it's more possible to make friends here than on other platforms as people here have also been rejected by others irl and will be much more empathetic and caring~ :) I'd like to have lots of friends one day~ ^_^ or at least, a bestie~ :333 And maybe meet trustworthy people from here irl! :D
5. It's good to show God's love and be kind and helpful to those who need it~ :)
6. It's nice to have people who you can vent to about your issues who can empathize with you and that you can empathize with too~ :)
7. I have a large tendency towards jealousy, so given the fact that I am constantly being exposed to a source of jealousy (:///), being around others who are also miserable helps me to feel better and less sewer slidal~ :)

 

[Praestat_Mori]

A big failure in life made me suicidal.

When I hit rock bottom and was ready to CTB with my method (CO) I felt so lonely with my misery and I searched about suicide related stuff and a community and luckily I found SaSu!