Discussion Why are you here on this forum?

[Aiyuxiao]

I'm here because I'm tired of people I know telling me they want me to open up when they really don't. I keep reminding them I'm autistic and begging them to be straightforward but they won't. It's "can I vent?" "of course " and then twenty minutes later they're telling me to stop being a doomer and acting like it's the end of the world.

Recently a friend was complaining to me that another friend "left him for dead" when he was suicidal... Even though he did the same to me and I was the one who ended up apologizing for making my mental issues known... after he asked...

I just need to bitch somewhere. It's the closest I'll get to having the kind of support I give my friends.

Dang, I feel this
In the past, people have come to me being suicidal and I just give them the space they need. Never judge or criticize, etc.

But, when it comes to me, I'm a downer. lol. I don't talk to anyone in RL anymore and when I do, it's really superficial and all fluff. Nothing real. But, in this site? I can be real. And not be judged. It's really comforting.
This community also helped me find a method that doesn't involve too much gruesome violence (blood and gore) for those who will find me. Forever grateful for that

 

[KinderEgg]

I experience a lot of suicidal ideation and as a result of escaping awful circumstances last year it got a lot worse. I signed up here because I liked the idea of talking to people who aren't inhibited on the subject of suicide because of social taboo. I wanted to talk to people who understand and who don't default to trying to "save you". I just can't trust anything people say when I know that's their entire goal.

 

[joeypaedilla]

I have suicidal ideation since I was a teen. Its gotten worse in the last year to the point of attempting. I do plan on dying but at the moment I like talking about my feelings truly without someone telling me everything will be alright or attempt to save me or call wellness checks

 

[shuvuuiadesertii]

I found this forum while searching online for CTB methods and how-to books, and I am so grateful for it. I used to speak with my therapist but telling him the truth would inevitably get me into a position where I no longer have control over my life. I keep a journal but fear that someone will find and read it, so I keep the entries fairly general. But here, on this forum I can write down what I feel and remain anonymous if I choose. I've been here for 7 days and have posted every day because of that freedom. I know that if I shared any of these thoughts with my friends, they will certainly freak out and interfere with my plans.

So I come here instead.

Here, I can share my pain. I can share my thoughts. I can interact and learn from those who have been at this stage in their lives for a while and have more wisdom and knowledge than I do. I came here to learn how to CTB with the confidence that I won't fail.

Simultaneously, SanSu is a scary place because of all of the posts about failed attempts. Fuck, who knew that exiting life would prove to be so complicated. Yet it's good to know there's a place where I can learn how to do it right.

I appreciate knowing that I am not alone. Thank you to everyone here who is helping me understand and find the courage to finish my journey.

How do you deal with your feelings? Why are you here?

I feel you. I have the same experience. Telling anyone about wanting to CTB seems to automatically get you categorized as some sort of menace to society. I actually challenged the last psychiatrist I talked to about that, my argument being that CTB hasn't been illegal in the West for centuries. The only person you're going to harm is yourself and there's no law against that, so what gives? The only argument they had for me was that it's "their responsibility" to make sure I don't do it. For insurance/liability purposes. There is no moral or philosophical ground for it, and the argument could be made, as you did, that it forces people to be secretive about it, which massively reduces the opportunities to offer "help". My personal opinion is that this all stems from their fear of feeling bad if you succeed. Nothing else. But it's such a powerful fear that they're prepared to ignore even your personhood to alleviate it. My $.02

 

[Spite]

Because I feel like I have almost nothing worth living for.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

Huh, that's a good question.
What drew me initially to the forum is the discussion on method. You only get to ctb once, and I want to maximize the chances of me succeeding. I cannot risk failure with this. I cannot go to the psych ward or the day clinics or whatever the fuck. Those would just be more time and money thrown to a thing that doesn't work. The only way to help me is death.

Can't deny that it's also refreshing to talk to people who are suicidal. I am surrounded by pro-lifers in real life to whom opening up about that just nets me emotional overreactions. On here, no one can scream at me for wanting to self-harm again. On here, no one will guilt trip me, tell me that my death will make other people sad and is therefore really egotistical and mean.
My choice is not only respected around here, the method threads are also really helpful in me achieving my goal.

 

[PixelAngel]

If I'd found a place like this sooner things might have been a lot better for me. I'm here for two reasons. First is community with people who know what this miserable feeling is like, who know the kind of things that make a person feel this way and how being so deep in it for so long can feel to a mind. A space where the immediate response to SI isn't always and only emergency panic mode about trying to stop me, where some people will just... hear me.

And second, compassionate non-judgemental information about methods. We have suffered enough, we shouldn't have to suffer more on the way out because of people who've never felt this way not wanting to think about it, wanting to block all information around it, which doesn't do anything to stop ideation and leaves me only with less compassionate, more risky options. Adding to the distress of the already-suffering, for the comfort of those who are fine.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Hello and welcome here. You are indeed not alone on this kind and caring forum, and I wish you all the best on your journey.

Initially I was looking for methods and was very happy to find this site, hence I named myself OptingOutSmiling. While actively suicidal, I couldn't order SN for six months since joining and somewhere along the line became more depressed and changed my username to SmilingNoMore. I finally received my SN, tested it, got the meds to take with it, just need to test the meds and get my protocol and affairs in place. I changed my username to FadingSnowFake because the SN made me think of snow and how it may just end this body's already fading into nothingness, because it's becoming impossible to keep on faking. How do I deal with my feelings? This site helps a lot, some days are better than others and I smoke weed.

 

[MyShadow]

@MyShadow

You mention that you're going to a therapist but that you're not telling him "the truth". What can a therapist do for you if he doesn't know what you really think?

I ask this because I've been pondering about going to a therapist. I also know that if I go I will lie about my actual feelings/thoughts at first, out of fear of medical/legal consequences. And that I will probably never open up completely because I would have to tell him/her that I lied. Which will undoubtedly cause them to put everything I say into question. And then I feel that we're both gonna be "suspicious" (for a lack of a better word) of eachother. Before I know it I've created another hostile environment for no good reason.

In my mind such a setting can't provide anything insightful/positive for me.
It al boils down to this: I will focus on what the therapist wants to hear out of fear of the consequences and that'll help no-one.

Can he provide things that will help you? Or is it just an "obligation" to go at this point?

I mean no harm and only wish you the best! I say this explicitly because I don't have the ability to accurately see how other people interpret my communications and, it would break my heart if my question would come across as trying to be mean.

As I mentioned in my previous post about lying to my therapist, I did not share my CTB plans. I omitted sharing that with him out of the fear of interruption or interference by either a mental health professional or law enforcement. They are trained to interfere for whatever reason. I don't know if it's because of moral or professional reasons. They just take suicidal ideation seriously and get outsiders involved. This is a deeply personal choice and my own to make and I don't want anyone to decide what is best for me.

My current therapist is ineffective. Because of the economy here in the US, I can't afford "the good therapist" anymore. That therapist was amazing. He took his time, laid out the groundwork and helped me create a plan to overcome my symptoms. He had a team of professionals to rely on, and they together to help me.

Unfortunately, I am now going to a subsidized clinic. It's what I refer to as "fast food therapy".

It's ineffective for two reasons.

Reason Number One: Our sessions are only 45 minutes, so everything is rushed. Because his daily
caseload is pretty large, my therapist has no time between clients to prepare or reflect on what was shared. (My previous therapist had 60 and 90 minute sessions and he would often call me to follow up).
Reason Number Two: I hate to use the word incompetent, but sometimes I feel like I bring more to the table in terms of therapeutic options and methods. I have never said to myself, "I really learned something from that session" or "I feel better because of (fill in the blank). He provides nothing in terms of insight, solutions or a plan for the future, nor does he follow up.

I am not obligated to be in therapy. 6 months ago, I restarted therapy because things seemed to be going well and I wanted to maintain that momentum. Sadly things promptly went downhill. As a result, I lost the ability to see the "good therapist" (at $250/hour) and ended up in a place that is overwhelmed and understaffed. I honestly don't think I'll go back.

If you can afford it, I highly recommend a private practice.

 

[boredout]

Waiting for a suitable method to arise... I found some good methods here but I'm a year late! Some of these methods arent available nowadays based on what people have written... But heres hoping to good news in the future!

 

[usernamegoeshere]

oooo~ very interesting! :3 I'm glad it brings you comfort, and I hope you're able to recover! ^_^ When I'm in the better part of my cycle, it can feel the same way for me too~ xD

Anyways, there was a recent thread about a similar topic that even journalists took note of, but since I'm still here, I might as well re-post my reasons~ xD

1. For one, it's much better to talk about sewer slide with other actual people rather than someone who will report you, pro-lifers, or an AI which will constantly censor itself~ This is why I joined~ :)
2. I have a few mental/physical/societal ailments that will always predispose me to being sewer slidal that won't change regardless of how I handle them~ Basically, it'd take a miracle or 2 for me to ever be happy~
3. It's much better than any other social media platform in that people on other platforms are typically much more "meme-y" and will qrt bad stuff for attention while people here are very nice~ :)
4. I feel like it's more possible to make friends here than on other platforms as people here have also been rejected by others irl and will be much more empathetic and caring~ :) I'd like to have lots of friends one day~ ^_^ or at least, a bestie~ :333 And maybe meet trustworthy people from here irl! :D
5. It's good to show God's love and be kind and helpful to those who need it~ :)
6. It's nice to have people who you can vent to about your issues who can empathize with you and that you can empathize with too~ :)
7. I have a large tendency towards jealousy, so given the fact that I am constantly being exposed to a source of jealousy (:///), being around others who are also miserable helps me to feel better and less sewer slidal~ :)

THE CYCLE IS SOOO REAL OMFGGG and i love all your reasons so so much!! :D

 

[kopebaldy]

I'm weird, I'm stupid, I fucked my life up.

Found this place thanks to that youtuber dude, I can't remember his name but we all know who.

Stayed because where else would I go to find people like me lol.

 

[princexhhn]

I came as an angel sent from god so that I can send everyone here to VIP heaven