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At the peak of my suicidal crisis, I had obsessive uncontrollable graphic thoughts of committing acts of violence against myself and others.
One of them was to climb an overpass, drench myself in some flammable liquid, tie a chain to my feet, set myself on fire and jump. I would then be a hanging body on fire for all to see.
I wanted to set up some kind of computer in the vicinity that could record and livestream the "event", and in this livestream there would be a link to some kind of text file, in which I would write a note detailing how much hate and disgust I have for myself and others, and how much horror and death I wish on this world.
I know it sounds crazy, but that is the kind of fantasy that pops up in my mind every once in a while, among several other fucked up scenarios. Sometimes I fantasize about finding a way to destroy the entire world, like some kind of supervillain nuking the core of the Earth.
I still have suicidal thoughts several times every day, been having them for over two years.
I am in tremendous pain in the heart everyday. I know the source of this pain is extreme hate, frustration and hopelessness.
I tried therapy, meds and even stayed twice in psych wards. Nothing really improves.
I will turn 30 this year, unless I die, which is something I really want to do. Acquiring SN is easy in my country, and I even did it once, before getting caught with it and being locked up in a ward.
Anyway, life sucks, death is the gift I truly wish for.
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JJMaynard97, witheringwithgrace, pthnrdnojvsc and 10 others
SomewhatLoved
Bringing out the Dead and Searching for the Living
I've never really had a crisis to that extent, but there have been some periods I was extremely tired with life and wished specifically for a gruesome death. I wanted to blow my head off with a shotgun so that there were chunks of skin and brain and skull everywhere, for no other reason than it being messy. At the time I felt like I had a "pressure" inside my head and became spiritually obsessed with my brain ceasing to be separated from the outside world via my skull. I thought that if my brain could "touch" the world I would become one with it and my suffering would stop.
I still think it would be a good method though, because it's pretty much the most instantaneous and arguably relatively painless due to how fast it can be when done right
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JJMaynard97, witheringwithgrace, pthnrdnojvsc and 2 others
I've never really had a crisis to that extent, but there have been some periods I was extremely tired with life and wished specifically for a gruesome death. I wanted to blow my head off with a shotgun so that there were chunks of skin and brain and skull everywhere, for no other reason than it being messy. At the time I felt like I had a "pressure" inside my head and became spiritually obsessed with my brain ceasing to be separated from the outside world via my skull. I thought that if my brain could "touch" the world I would become one with it and my suffering would stop.
I still think it would be a good method though, because it's pretty much the most instantaneous and arguably relatively painless due to how fast it can be when done right
I feel that. I still have the daily fantasy of spraying my brains out and making a huge mess with a large gun. It's weird because I could be talking to someone, having a meal, waking up, trying to sleep, whatever. And there it is, an image in my mind of pulling the trigger on my head and making a splatter.
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Mateira, pthnrdnojvsc, FishRain3469 and 2 others
SomewhatLoved
Bringing out the Dead and Searching for the Living
I feel that. I still have the daily fantasy of spraying my brains out and making a huge mess with a large gun. It's weird because I could be talking to someone, having a meal, waking up, trying to sleep, whatever. And there it is, an image in my mind of pulling the trigger on my head and making a splatter.
I specifically remember doing "research" and seeing a video of someone shooting himself with a shotgun. I remember his head pretty much exploded and there was shit sprayed on the camera so it was kind of hard to see. I specifically remember there was a chunk of his head hanging on just by a thin piece of skin sort of just drooped off to the side. In some weird way it was beautiful to me. It felt cathartic, like all that welled up inside of him got released into the world. It was like an orgasm or ejaculation, in some weird fucked up way. I know that's a strange comparison, but it just sticks in my mind.
Still in some way it's strange to think your brain is separated from the world by only about 6mm of porous, brittle bone and a layer of skin stretched over.
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pthnrdnojvsc, FishRain3469 and Kotaru Chan
I specifically remember doing "research" and seeing a video of someone shooting himself with a shotgun. I remember his head pretty much exploded and there was shit sprayed on the camera so it was kind of hard to see. I specifically remember there was a chunk of his head hanging on just by a thin piece of skin sort of just drooped off to the side. In some weird way it was beautiful to me. It felt cathartic, like all that welled up inside of him got released into the world. It was like an orgasm or ejaculation, in some weird fucked up way. I know that's a strange comparison, but it just sticks in my mind.
Still in some way it's strange to think your brain is separated from the world by only about 6mm of porous, brittle bone and a layer of skin stretched over.
That is brutal. In reality, I don't want to leave a mess because it would be a pain to find and clean. I just want people to know the pain and hate I feel as I take myself out. It is important to me that they know.
Sometimes I am thankful the human body is so frail and it doesn't take much to die. I could do it any time, hell, I could grab a knife and stab myself to death right now. I even want to. My mind is what stops me.
Sometimes I am thankful the human body is so frail and it doesn't take much to die. I could do it any time, hell, I could grab a knife and stab myself to death right now. I even want to. My mind is what stops me.
I understand your frustration. I feel the same way. I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to overcome this survival instinct. I wanted so much...
There are so many possibilities in everyday life... Throwing yourself off a viaduct, or in front of a truck, entering a place with armed conflicts (here in Brazil it's easy)... Anyway. N things that can kill. But I just run away from them like a cowardly dog
Being a transsexual male and having extreme levels of dysphoria has caused me to have violent suicidal fantasies, too. Before I was on testosterone, they were much worse. Now that I am on T I've been able to dissociate much more.
But those fantasies back then were less about killing myself and more about punishing my body for being female. I would daydream about ripping out my uterus, hammering my pelvic bones in, cutting my chest off with a knife, throwing my body into a wall over and over again until I was bloody and bruised, tearing the skin of my face off… the list continued on.
I'd like to first murder all those people who made my life a miserable hell. I'd stab them to death or hammer their heads open until I could see their brains spilling out of their skulls. Then I'd hang myself as planned.
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Kotaru Chan, alivefornow, Mary Janex and 3 others
My worst violent thoughts were to hurt others in the most brutal ways like beheading or torturing them of course this will not become my reality or theirs but for me i thought about drinking bleach or dying while having an gasm
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Kotaru Chan, alivefornow, lamy's sacred sleep and 2 others
My recurring fantasy (I mainly use it as a technique to stop thoughts I want to push down) is axing my own face à la 'When Evil Lurks'. Slight tangent but if anyone's into horror films, I'd recommend giving that a peek!
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Kotaru Chan, alivefornow, SomewhatLoved and 2 others
Had thoughts of torturing and killing people that I hate most, mainly about a friend's abusive neglectful mum and my parents to a lesser to degree, then killing myself with whatever method I had available. If the friend asked me to do that to his mum I think I would actually do that cus of how much I hate parents who forceful create us then not be able to do their obligation of taking care of us but I won't do that to my own parents as while I don't like that they created and trapped me not allowing me to ctb, I don't think they deserve to be tortured but instead deserve a lesser punishment.
Also had thoughts on dying the way this character in the game Danganronpa 2 did.
Btw he put the tape on his mouth. tied the ropes on him. did the cuts, plunged the knife into his hand and set up the spear to be over himself by himself.
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Kotaru Chan, alivefornow, JesiBel and 2 others
A huge asteroid coming down and destroying everyone and everything without warning or time to take counter measures. Sometimes I feel like the human race is so evil and irredeemable we deserve to be wiped out to save the rest of nature and the universe.
Often when I'm going to sleep in great physical pain I pray for any gods with mercy to not let me wake up. The thought of death give me instant peace and I even smile.
...I guess mine aren't that crazy.
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Kotaru Chan, alivefornow, pthnrdnojvsc and 1 other person
At the peak of my suicidal crisis, I had obsessive uncontrollable graphic thoughts of committing acts of violence against myself and others.
One of them was to climb an overpass, drench myself in some flammable liquid, tie a chain to my feet, set myself on fire and jump. I would then be a hanging body on fire for all to see.
I wanted to set up some kind of computer in the vicinity that could record and livestream the "event", and in this livestream there would be a link to some kind of text file, in which I would write a note detailing how much hate and disgust I have for myself and others, and how much horror and death I wish on this world.
I know it sounds crazy, but that is the kind of fantasy that pops up in my mind every once in a while, among several other fucked up scenarios. Sometimes I fantasize about finding a way to destroy the entire world, like some kind of supervillain nuking the core of the Earth.
I still have suicidal thoughts several times every day, been having them for over two years.
I am in tremendous pain in the heart everyday. I know the source of this pain is extreme hate, frustration and hopelessness.
I tried therapy, meds and even stayed twice in psych wards. Nothing really improves.
I will turn 30 this year, unless I die, which is something I really want to do. Acquiring SN is easy in my country, and I even did it once, before getting caught with it and being locked up in a ward.
Anyway, life sucks, death is the gift I truly wish for.
I just stopped caring if a suicide method I select such as jumping would traumatize people or not as long as it gets the job done. I never craved the attention of others (which is a common misconception about suicidal people) so I would not try to make my suicide seem important (not even writing a note or anything as little people would actually care). The best case scenario for me would be dying alone peacefully with no regrets like going to sleep after an exhausting day.
Reactions:
Kotaru Chan, alivefornow and divinemistress36
I'd like to first murder all those people who made my life a miserable hell. I'd stab them to death or hammer their heads open until I could see their brains spilling out of their skulls. Then I'd hang myself as planned.
Absolutely, my goal is to create as much trauma as possible on my way out. I want to become an evil spirt and haunt the motherfuckers in the afterlife. I've come up with some wonderfully horrible situations for my enemies,no of them resulting in their deaths. Just brutality and trauma.
Can't remember the exact details, it was yonks ago, but I woke up in the middle of the night. I had a dream about uncovering my purpose to get magic powers hidden within me.
I was in a really weird sleepy state, cos I fell asleep in bed when I meant to just nap and woke up at 3am. When I woke up it was kinda l felt like waking up in a twilight hour.
I wasn't so with it all, so the dream felt like a message to me and I was soposed to do somthing to find my purpose in real life to do somthing.
Then somehow I made the step that I was meant to kill myself then to unlock my magic abilities. I spent a while contemplating taking SN then and there.
There was enough of my brain functioning in the half sleep state to tell my self no lol
CTB'ing alongside someone who equally wants to do it. Having them close to me in a forest dense and someone to bury us after we are gone. The last cheers of drinking SN and wrapping ourselves laying down knowing that it's all going to be done soon.
Another one I thought of is to get intentional kidnapped my a killer and before they kill me, they abuse, sexually exploit me and use me for whatever purposes. Maybe even still use my body after I am dead and keep it like what Jeffrey Dahmer did to his victims. This would make me feel like I am somewhat valued and of use during and after my death.
I feel that. I still have the daily fantasy of spraying my brains out and making a huge mess with a large gun. It's weird because I could be talking to someone, having a meal, waking up, trying to sleep, whatever. And there it is, an image in my mind of pulling the trigger on my head and making a splatter.
I need to get there fast all the time this popping into my mind, to see the image movie Visualization, an image in my mind of pulling the trigger on my head and making a splatter.
Or hi me pulling the trigger in my mouth or side of the head and you don't even hear the shot
Why cause I have a shotgun and rifle but can't get myself to pull the trigger. But u know I want to and need to
I understand your frustration. I feel the same way. I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to overcome this survival instinct. I wanted so much...
There are so many possibilities in everyday life... Throwing yourself off a viaduct, or in front of a truck, entering a place with armed conflicts (here in Brazil it's easy)... Anyway. N things that can kill. But I just run away from them like a cowardly dog
Being a transsexual male and having extreme levels of dysphoria has caused me to have violent suicidal fantasies, too. Before I was on testosterone, they were much worse. Now that I am on T I've been able to dissociate much more.
But those fantasies back then were less about killing myself and more about punishing my body for being female. I would daydream about ripping out my uterus, hammering my pelvic bones in, cutting my chest off with a knife, throwing my body into a wall over and over again until I was bloody and bruised, tearing the skin of my face off… the list continued on.
That sounds awful. I can't relate to the situation but these thoughts... I've had them too. Sometimes I stay awake until the sun rises, even though I am exhausted, just because my mind is too busy telling me to become violent.
I'd like to first murder all those people who made my life a miserable hell. I'd stab them to death or hammer their heads open until I could see their brains spilling out of their skulls. Then I'd hang myself as planned.
I understand. I wish so much suffering and death on people too. It has consumed me. Meanwhile these people that destroyed me are living blissfully and have forgotten about my existence altogether.
My worst violent thoughts were to hurt others in the most brutal ways like beheading or torturing them of course this will not become my reality or theirs but for me i thought about drinking bleach or dying while having an gasm
My recurring fantasy (I mainly use it as a technique to stop thoughts I want to push down) is axing my own face à la 'When Evil Lurks'. Slight tangent but if anyone's into horror films, I'd recommend giving that a peek!
Had thoughts of torturing and killing people that I hate most, mainly about a friend's abusive neglectful mum and my parents to a lesser to degree, then killing myself with whatever method I had available. If the friend asked me to do that to his mum I think I would actually do that cus of how much I hate parents who forceful create us then not be able to do their obligation of taking care of us but I won't do that to my own parents as while I don't like that they created and trapped me not allowing me to ctb, I don't think they deserve to be tortured but instead deserve a lesser punishment.
Also had thoughts on dying the way this character in the game Danganronpa 2 did.
View attachment 163085
Btw he put the tape on his mouth. tied the ropes on him. did the cuts, plunged the knife into his hand and set up the spear to be over himself by himself.
A huge asteroid coming down and destroying everyone and everything without warning or time to take counter measures. Sometimes I feel like the human race is so evil and irredeemable we deserve to be wiped out to save the rest of nature and the universe.
Often when I'm going to sleep in great physical pain I pray for any gods with mercy to not let me wake up. The thought of death give me instant peace and I even smile.
I just stopped caring if a suicide method I select such as jumping would traumatize people or not as long as it gets the job done. I never craved the attention of others (which is a common misconception about suicidal people) so I would not try to make my suicide seem important (not even writing a note or anything as little people would actually care). The best case scenario for me would be dying alone peacefully with no regrets like going to sleep after an exhausting day.
That is probably the most rational route. I won't be here to witness the repercussions of my death anyway, right? But how can it be peaceful if my mind is in distress and my heart is in hell?
I also have fantasies about inflicting immense suffering without death. Even killing their relatives and loved ones to make them go through life bearing those memories. Or permanently cripple them. Or damage their brains. It is why I must die, because this is who I have become. This is what keeps me awake at night. Their deaths and mine.
CTB'ing alongside someone who equally wants to do it. Having them close to me in a forest dense and someone to bury us after we are gone. The last cheers of drinking SN and wrapping ourselves laying down knowing that it's all going to be done soon.
Another one I thought of is to get intentional kidnapped my a killer and before they kill me, they abuse, sexually exploit me and use me for whatever purposes. Maybe even still use my body after I am dead and keep it like what Jeffrey Dahmer did to his victims. This would make me feel like I am somewhat valued and of use during and after my death.
I need to get there fast all the time this popping into my mind, to see the image movie Visualization, an image in my mind of pulling the trigger on my head and making a splatter.
Or hi me pulling the trigger in my mouth or side of the head and you don't even hear the shot
Why cause I have a shotgun and rifle but can't get myself to pull the trigger. But u know I want to and need to
I'm sorry about what you are going through. Maybe I would have done it if I had access to firearms, who knows. Instant death and leaving a gory mess as a result of the suffering you endured.
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pthnrdnojvsc, Kotaru Chan and divinemistress36
For me when it's come to it. Would be to stand side on at a cliff and shoot myself in the head and for my body to fall to the bottom. Prob sounds a bit stupid, but I guess I'd want my body not to be found but would have to shoot myself first before I plunged off the cliff..
For me when it's come to it. Would be to stand side on at a cliff and shoot myself in the head and for my body to fall to the bottom. Prob sounds a bit stupid, but I guess I'd want my body not to be found but would have to shoot myself first before I plunged off the cliff..
Or pay someone to run me over in the street.
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