Story Alienated by everything

[Makko]

Why is the world so far away?

I don't share the most basic and fundamental life experiences with anyone I've ever met. I look around and see a different speces. Humans feel as distant as cats or dogs.

I have no family. There are dozens of relatives scattered across many places, but I've unconsciously estranged myself from all of them, and there are none where I live.

I have no home. Where I live now I feel like a tourist. I go to visit where I'm originally from and I feel like a tourist there too. Everyone is a foreigner.

I have no friends. Only allies. Many and reliable allies, but just allies none the less.

I have no sexuality. I've never been attracted to anyone. I don't even know what my orientation is.

I have no sympathy. I spend all of my public life pretending that I do.

I have no past. I don't make memories. I don't remember faces. I have no keepsakes or pictures of anything I've experienced. Every day is a longing towards a distant and ethereal future that keeps changing as fluidly as water.

I have no interests that I can communicate. I don't enjoy conventional entertainment at all. Last time I read a book, watched a movie, did sports or browsed a fashion magazine was 15 years ago.

I'm not thinking all this while locked up and brooding in my room. I'm giving life a fair trial. I've been all over the world. I've broken bread with both princes and paupers. I've seen and touched the different sides of humanity, but no side has attracted me. No place made me want to stay. No tribe made me want to join. All I do is reject things, because everything on offer is worse than nothing. Something is missing and I can't find it. I don't even know what it is. I'll be looking for it until I die, or until I reach an "epiphany". I've already had one of these "epiphanies", it's something that builds up like a vague cloud over the course of your life and then comes down like lightning strike. The epiphany I've had is the realisation of all the "I have noes", the acceptance that it fundamentally severs me from any kind of togetherness, and the resolution of treating humanity as a separate species from myself. It was almost a mystical experience, like I could for a second peel back reality and see the gears and cogs underneath.

I'm looking for just one more "epiphany" that will reveal just a little more.

 

[ansiedad]

Im so sorry about hear that.

 

[yeahwellso]

Why is the world so far away?

I don't share the most basic and fundamental life experiences with anyone I've ever met. I look around and see a different speces. Humans feel as distant as cats or dogs.

I have no family. There are dozens of relatives scattered across many places, but I've unconsciously estranged myself from all of them, and there are none where I live.

I have no home. Where I live now I feel like a tourist. I go to visit where I'm originally from and I feel like a tourist there too. Everyone is a foreigner.

I have no friends. Only allies. Many and reliable allies, but just allies none the less.

I have no sexuality. I've never been attracted to anyone. I don't even know what my orientation is.

I have no sympathy. I spend all of my public life pretending that I do.

I have no past. I don't make memories. I don't remember faces. I have no keepsakes or pictures of anything I've experienced. Every day is a longing towards a distant and ethereal future that keeps changing as fluidly as water.

I have no interests that I can communicate. I don't enjoy conventional entertainment at all. Last time I read a book, watched a movie, did sports or browsed a fashion magazine was 15 years ago.

I'm not thinking all this while locked up and brooding in my room. I'm giving life a fair trial. I've been all over the world. I've broken bread with both princes and paupers. I've seen and touched the different sides of humanity, but no side has attracted me. No place made me want to stay. No tribe made me want to join. All I do is reject things, because everything on offer is worse than nothing. Something is missing and I can't find it. I don't even know what it is. I'll be looking for it until I die, or until I reach an "epiphany". I've already had one of these "epiphanies", it's something that builds up like a vague cloud over the course of your life and then comes down like lightning strike. The epiphany I've had is the realisation of all the "I have noes", the acceptance that it fundamentally severs me from any kind of togetherness, and the resolution of treating humanity as a separate species from myself. It was almost a mystical experience, like I could for a second peel back reality and see the gears and cogs underneath.

I'm looking for just one more "epiphany" that will reveal just a little more.

How have you kept yourself fed and sheltered all this time?

 

[Belaya Noch]

All my life I feel like a stranger.

Wherever I go, people always treat me like an outsider. They are usually kind to me, which is the result of their good upbringing rather than some deeper feeling.

I create an atmosphere of cold indifference around me, to which other people adapt, imitating my cool way of being.

 

[WornOutLife]

I gotta admit that many times I see humans as another species.

I think my main problem is that I gotta pretend to be normal because if I were myself I couldn't even have a job lol

Anyway, hope you can feel better soon.

Hugs

 

[Into The Void]

It's a tough world. You feel alienated by them because you didn't identify with similar interests. There still might be hope for gaining meaningful connections with others, but it's a steep mountain to climb, but the potential rewards are great.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Are you sure you aren't disassociated? The freeze response can cause emotional and physical numbness as well as detachment from your memories, sense of identity, etc. I was traumatized at a very early age and have been disconnected from everyone and everything ever since which is why I was asking. Many people who detach from their emotions to cope with their childhood trauma end up isolated from others and binge on various forms of "entertainment" to cope with what they've repressed or they become workaholics.

 

[Makko]

Are you sure you aren't disassociated?

Completely disassociated. I've never been abused though. This is just how I am as a person. I use work to stay at least a little grounded. If I take more than a few days off I start becoming derealized.

How have you kept yourself fed and sheltered all this time?

Workaholism. Money is one thing I've never had problems with.

 

[yeahwellso]

Completely disassociated. I've never been abused though. This is just how I am as a person. I use work to stay at least a little grounded. If I take more than a few days off I start becoming derealized.


Workaholism. Money is one thing I've never had problems with.

What work do you do?

 

[Makko]

What work do you do?

Law. There's a bonus program, so working a lot of overtime and not being a huge spender makes you swim in money.

 

[Lmd]

I don't believe that what you say is true because at least in this forum you have shown that you have interests and topics to talk about. If you accepted youserlf I don't see the problem on the things you said. Do you have inner peace with the way you are? Do you know what you want?

 

[aneurysm]

It's the result of living solely for work and money. That's why life is shit no matter what you do.
No money= suffering
Money = suffering.

 

[Makko]

I don't believe that what you say is true because at least in this forum you have shown that you have interests and topics to talk about. If you accepted youserlf I don't see the problem on the things you said. Do you have inner peace with the way you are? Do you know what you want?

Oh, I have tons of interests to talk about. I just find the talking itself entirely unfulfilling. I don't have peace with anything and I'm not really looking for peace. Once I want peace I'll do the suicide thing. The things I want I can't find anywhere, I don't even know if they're real, but I'd rather chase unreal things that I want than settle for real things that I don't want.

It's the result of living solely for work and money. That's why life is shit no matter what you do.
No money= suffering
Money = suffering.

Suffering with money is reportedly easier than suffering without money.

 

[aneurysm]

I just find the talking itself entirely unfulfilling.

Is it because people are too cautious and not authentic enough in conversations?

 

[Lmd]

I still don't buy what you sell. Why do you want to throw away what makes you alive becoming a robot then? Anyway I hope that you find the missing piece.

 

[yeahwellso]

Suffering with money is reportedly easier than suffering without money.

It absolutely is. A level of financial security can take away the very real worries and concerns that overwhelm people's minds.

If I were to win the lottery, it would certainly give me peace of mind in terms of where I live and sleep. It wouldn't fix my psychological issues, but it would carve out a great place to deal with them.

 

[262653]

Why is the world so far away?

Is this a bad thing?

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I'm not thinking all this while locked up and brooding in my room.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Completely disassociated. I've never been abused though. This is just how I am as a person. I use work to stay at least a little grounded. If I take more than a few days off I start becoming derealized.

You aren't disassociated from birth though, there's a reason why you are experiencing life the way you are. Being abused is not a requirement for being stuck in a perpetual state of the fight, flight, freeze response.

Simply being in a chronic state of stress(work, isolation, etc), witnessing traumatic events, or even neglect(emotional, not just physical needs) by caregivers which often isn't even considered abuse to the person themselves could be a trigger for your depersonalized limbo.

I obviously don't know what your situation is or life experiences so I can only guess your issues, you know yourself best. One other thing, not everyone remembers the trauma they experienced, especially if it's between the ages of 0-4. I personally know what originally broke me but I remember none of it and I barely remember any of the first decade of my life but those things did happen.

I unfortunately don't really have the answers and most of the psychology books I've read always suggest forming bonds with others to help you heal and bring you back to the present(water is wet). That and just general self care or things to ease your stress. Other suggestions would be to try MDMA therapy and a medication known as Naltrexone which was suggested in a book to help reverse the opioid analgesia caused by the freeze response. If you are interested, that piece of information was from the book "Neurobiology of Traumatic Disassociation."

Also, this tidbit is from CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, I'm not sure if you'll find it helpful but I'll throw it in here.

THE FREEZE TYPE AND THE DISSOCIATIVE DEFENSE


The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers a survivor into hiding, isolating and avoiding human contact. The freeze type can be so frozen in the retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the "off" position.


Of all the 4F's, freeze types seem to have the deepest unconscious belief that people and danger are synonymous. While all 4F types commonly suffer from social anxiety as well, freeze types typically take a great deal more refuge in solitude. Some freeze types completely give up on relating to others and become extremely isolated. Outside of fantasy, many also give up entirely on the possibility of love.


Right-Brain Dissociation


It is often the scapegoat or the most profoundly abandoned child, "the lost child", who is forced to habituate to the freeze response. Not allowed to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type's defenses develop around classical or right-brain dissociation. Dissociation allows the freeze type to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions - any of which might trigger feelings of being retraumatized.


If you are a freeze type, you may seek refuge and comfort by dissociating in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right-brain-dominant activities like TV, online browsing and video games.


Freeze types sometimes have or appear to have Attention Deficit Disorder [ADD]. They often master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality. And in worst case scenarios, they can decompensate into a schizophrenic experience like the main character in the book, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.


Recovering From A Polarized Freeze Response


Recovery for freeze types involves three key challenges.


First, their positive relational experiences are few if any. They are therefore extremely reluctant to enter into the type of intimate relationship that can be transformative. They are even less likely to seek the aid of therapy. Moreover, those who manage to overcome this reluctance often spook easily and quickly terminate.


Second, freeze types have two commonalities with fight types. They are less motivated to try to understand the effects of their childhood traumatization. Many are unaware that they have a troublesome inner critic or that they are in emotional pain. Furthermore, they tend to project the perfectionistic demands of the critic onto others rather than onto themselves. This survival mechanism helped them as children to use the imperfections of others as justification for isolation. In the past, isolation was smart, safety-seeking behavior.


Third, even more than workaholic flight types, freeze types are in denial about the life narrowing consequences of their singular adaptation. Some freeze types that I have worked with seem to have significant periods of contentment with their isolation. I think they may be able to self-medicate by releasing the internal opioids that the animal brain is programmed to release when danger is so great that death seems imminent.


Internal opioid release is more accessible to freeze types because the freeze response has its own continuum that culminates with the collapse response. The collapse response is an extreme abandonment of consciousness. It appears to be an out-of-body experience that is the ultimate dissociation. It can sometimes be seen in prey animals that are about to be killed. I have seen nature films of small animals in the jaws of a predator that show it letting go so thoroughly that its death appears to be painless.


However, the opioid production that some freeze types have access to, only takes the survivor so far before its analgesic properties no longer function. Numbed out contentment then morphs into serious depression. This in turn can lead to addictive self-medicating with substances like alcohol, marijuana and narcotics. Alternatively, the freeze type can gravitate toward ever escalating regimens of anti-depressants and anxiolytics. I also suspect that some schizophrenics are extremely traumatized freeze types who dissociate so thoroughly that they cannot find their way back to reality.


Several of my freeze type respondents highly recommend a self-help book by Suzette Boon, entitled Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation. This book is filled with very helpful work sheets that are powerful tools for recovering.


More than any other type, the freeze type usually requires a therapeutic relationship, because their isolation prevents them from discovering relational healing through a friendship. That said, I know of some instances where good enough relational healing has come through pets and the safer distant type of human healing that can be found in books and online internet groups.

The Flight-Freeze Hybrid


The Flight-Freeze type is the least relational and most schizoid hybrid. He prefers the safety of do-it-yourself isolationism. Sometimes this type may also be misdiagnosed as Asperger's Syndrome.


The flight-freeze type avoids potential relationship-retraumati-zation with an obsessive-compulsive/dissociative "two-step." Step one is working to complete exhaustion. Step two is collapsing into extreme "veging out", and waiting until his energy reaccumulates enough to relaunch into step one. The price for this type of no-longer-necessary safety is a severely narrowed existence.


The flight-freeze cul-de-sac is more common among men, especially those traumatized for being vulnerable in childhood. This then drives them to seek safety in isolation or "intimacy-lite" relationships.


Some non-alpha type male survivors combine their flight and freeze defenses to become stereotypical technology nerds. Telecommuting is, of course, their preferred mode. Flight-freeze types are the computer addicts who focus on work for long periods of time and then drift off dissociatively into computer games, substance abuse or sleep-bingeing.https://sanctioned-suicide.net/images/00003.jpeg

Apologies for the rambling but it seemed like you still have a desire to try and fix things and you have a solid foundation to do so.

 

[saltshaker]

OP should loan me some money if it's that easy. :)

Sorry to hear your experience is so dulled.

 

[LonelyNick]

what beautiful words you laid, I was fascinated by every lines you replied with on this thread.

I feel a similar enuie in life, I recall being chastised by my Mamie for my "blasé attitude toward humanity" when was 9. I was an avid reader from an early age, started to write poetry at 8, was fascinated by psychology and started to read Freud at 14, I'm fluent in a couple of languages.

I consider myself enby, I'm asexual and I came to claim these labels for myself after exploring sex and gender on a wide spectrum.

I've been working since I was 13, went through 2 burn outs, 1 major depression, transitioning, a list long like my arm of mental illnesses.

I too, feel like I need to find an Epiphany. The most common thing people have said to me is that I have an old soul. An old soul that needs to learn its final lesson. sounds poetic, sounds tragic.

 

[Makko]

I still don't buy what you sell.

You think I would do that? Just go on the internet and tell lies for free?

Why do you want to throw away what makes you alive becoming a robot then? Anyway I hope that you find the missing piece.

Becoming a robot is my alternative solution, the realistic one. I'd be content to become something that doesn't want anything and isn't looking for any missing pieces. Even if pieces are missing I'll just keep rolling until I fall apart completely, and then it doesn't matter, because nothing matters.

Is it because people are too cautious and not authentic enough in conversations?

Because people are boring and unstimulating, even when they try, let alone when they don't.

Is this a bad thing?

I didn't say it was. I'm interested in the why of it, not in how to label it.

You aren't disassociated from birth though, there's a reason why you are experiencing life the way you are.

I'm sure that there is, and I've spent more than a few years reflecting on it, but I can't come up with anything. I was very well cared for. My parents were authoritarian as is typical of Asians but they weren't tigers. Maybe I coincidentially witnessed an axe murder when I was 3 or something? I'll never know. The "form bonds" thing is not of any interest but I'll look into the others. Thanks for the material.

 

[Lmd]

You think I would do that? Just go on the internet and tell lies for free?

Becoming a robot is my alternative solution, the realistic one. I'd be content to become something that doesn't want anything and isn't looking for any missing pieces. Even if pieces are missing I'll just keep rolling until I fall apart completely, and then it doesn't matter, because nothing matters.

You charge for telling lies? It was a way of speaking, I don't think you are lying on purpose or that what you say isn't true. I was referring more to what you show here doesn't feels like how you describe yourself. In fact, the last thing you said sounds even contradictory with what you said before, that's why I was surprised, nothing more. Perhaps doing things that don't catch your attention or that you haven't tried yet lead you to some kind of conclusion or give you a little more light or details to solve the puzzle?

 

[Nexey]

Feel free to ignore my post if I'm prying too much, but may I ask how you feel about religion and philosophy? I got into such things at a young age, primarily out of interest in finding a "purpose" in life. Admittedly, it never ended up giving me one directly, as I decided to follow cultural primitivism after experiencing certain things in life, not after reading a paper on it.

 

[thx1138]

Have you ever read "The Stranger" by Albert Camus?

I always feel like an outsider. A "foreigner". I have some very bizarre habits and interests. I live in my own little world. I have no friends, no lovers, no close family. Every time I tried to get close to someone in the past, it always felt like a charade. I never belonged to any group.

It could be caused by moving a lot while I was young, never having a permanent "home"? Or it could also be some mild autistic or schizoid tendencies. In my opinion it is mostly biological or genetic.

 

[virginiawoolf]

i don't know whether you want the epiphany to be taken literally or not. but i echo @ldlzrs above, it sounds like you could be autistic.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

i don't know whether you want the epiphany to be taken literally or not. but i echo @ldlzrs above, it sounds like you could be autistic.

People who are disassociated are often misdiagnosed with autism as it mimics many of the symptoms. That's not to say that someone can't have both but I am going purely off of what Makko said.

I'm sure that there is, and I've spent more than a few years reflecting on it, but I can't come up with anything. I was very well cared for. My parents were authoritarian as is typical of Asians but they weren't tigers. Maybe I coincidentially witnessed an axe murder when I was 3 or something? I'll never know. The "form bonds" thing is not of any interest but I'll look into the others. Thanks for the material.

You know yourself best, but people who were emotionally neglected as children often invalidate their experiences as normal. There are plenty of parents who don't physically or verbally abuse their children but treat them as inanimate objects with the expectations that they do what they are told without consideration for the child's needs or feelings. If a child has to internalize those things then they end up as a detached robot in order to cope.

I don't really believe that you don't want to form a good relationship with at least one person but maybe you are running away from the idea because it's easier that way.

 

[Makko]

You charge for telling lies?

Top dollar.

Perhaps doing things that don't catch your attention or that you haven't tried yet lead you to some kind of conclusion or give you a little more light or details to solve the puzzle?

It should, but then I have to do it. I want new light but I also don't want to change. These are not easy to balance.

The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers a survivor into hiding, isolating and avoiding human contact. The freeze type can be so frozen in the retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the "off" position.

Of all the 4F's, freeze types seem to have the deepest unconscious belief that people and danger are synonymous. While all 4F types commonly suffer from social anxiety as well, freeze types typically take a great deal more refuge in solitude. Some freeze types completely give up on relating to others and become extremely isolated. Outside of fantasy, many also give up entirely on the possibility of love.

This is a good description. One of the big lead-ups to my "epiphany" was the experience of having a knife pointed at me when I was visiting Brazil ca 2016. Or rather, the non-experience. It did nothing. I felt no particular way about it, not because I'm brave, but because I live like there's a knife pointed at me all the time. I'm in combat mode 24/7, ready to be killed at any moment. It creates the sort of relationship to the world that I outline in OP. To have any other realtionship I would have to I would have to stop living in combat mode, which would need me to transform into someone entirely different to who I am and ever was.

Have you ever read "The Stranger" by Albert Camus?

No. Do you recommend it?

i don't know whether you want the epiphany to be taken literally or not. but i echo @ldlzrs above, it sounds like you could be autistic.

I don't experience social difficulties the way autists are described to experience them. I can easily get into people's good graces and sustain relationships as long as they aren't intimate.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

This is a good description. One of the big lead-ups to my "epiphany" was the experience of having a knife pointed at me when I was visiting Brazil ca 2016. Or rather, the non-experience. It did nothing. I felt no particular way about it, not because I'm brave, but because I live like there's a knife pointed at me all the time. I'm in combat mode 24/7, ready to be killed at any moment. It creates the sort of relationship to the world that I outline in OP. To have any other realtionship I would have to I would have to stop living in combat mode, which would need me to transform into someone entirely different to who I am and ever was.

Many real forms of danger don't phase me at all either but neither do the good things, that's why being stuck in a perpetual state of the freeze response is traumatizing on its own. You seem like you're fighting against the idea of trying to break free from being numb because it's been a part of you for so long but it's nothing more than one of nature's shitty survival mechanisms. It's far too late for me but I think if you have the resources and ability to do something and experience life the way you were meant to then you should consider giving it a try.

I'd also recommend the book The Body Keeps the Score as I think it explains trauma and disassociation very well, this is a small section from it:

DEPERSONALIZATION: SPLIT OFF FROM THE SELF


Let's now look at Ute's experience in the scanner. Not all people react to trauma in exactly the same way, but in this case the difference is particularly dramatic, since Ute was sitting right next to Stan in the wrecked car. She responded to her trauma script by going numb: Her mind went blank, and nearly every area of her brain showed markedly decreased activity. Her heart rate and blood pressure didn't elevate. When asked how she'd felt during the scan, she replied: "I felt just like I felt at the time of the accident: I felt nothing."

Blanking out (dissociation) in response to being reminded of past trauma. In this case almost every area of the brain has decreased activation, interfering with thinking, focus, and orientation.

The medical term for Ute's response is depersonalization.18 Anyone who deals with traumatized men, women, or children is sooner or later confronted with blank stares and absent minds, the outward manifestation of the biological freeze reaction. Depersonalization is one symptom of the massive dissociation created by trauma. Stan's flashbacks came from his thwarted efforts to escape the crash—cued by the script, all his dissociated, fragmented sensations and emotions roared back into the present. But instead of struggling to escape, Ute had dissociated her fear and felt nothing.


I see depersonalization regularly in my office when patients tell me horrendous stories without any feeling. All the energy drains out of the room, and I have to make a valiant effort to keep paying attention. A lifeless patient forces you to work much harder to keep the therapy alive, and I often used to pray for the hour to be over quickly.


After seeing Ute's scan, I started to take a very different approach toward blanked-out patients. With nearly every part of their brains tuned out, they obviously cannot think, feel deeply, remember, or make sense out of what is going on. Conventional talk therapy, in those circumstances, is virtually useless.


In Ute's case it was possible to guess why she responded so differently from Stan. She was utilizing a survival strategy her brain had learned in childhood to cope with her mother's harsh treatment. Ute's father died when she was nine years old, and her mother subsequently was often nasty and demeaning to her. At some point Ute discovered that she could blank out her mind when her mother yelled at her. Thirty-five years later, when she was trapped in her demolished car, Ute's brain automatically went into the same survival mode—she made herself disappear.


The challenge for people like Ute is to become alert and engaged, a difficult but unavoidable task if they want to recapture their lives. (Ute herself did recover—she wrote a book about her experiences and started a successful journal called Mental Fitness.) This is where a bottom-up approach to therapy becomes essential. The aim is actually to change the patient's physiology, his or her relationship to bodily sensations. At the Trauma Center we work with such basic measures as heart rate and breathing patterns. We help patients evoke and notice bodily sensations by tapping acupressure19 points. Rhythmic interactions with other people are also effective—tossing a beach ball back and forth, bouncing on a Pilates ball, drumming, or dancing to music.


Numbing is the other side of the coin in PTSD. Many untreated trauma survivors start out like Stan, with explosive flashbacks, then numb out later in life. While reliving trauma is dramatic, frightening, and potentially self-destructive, over time a lack of presence can be even more damaging. This is a particular problem with traumatized children. The acting-out kids tend to get attention; the blanked-out ones don't bother anybody and are left to lose their future bit by bit.

 

[Toptock]

No place made me want to stay. No tribe made me want to join

This stood out to me the most. It's easy for people to judge and assume you're in your room all day, but if you've given the world your attention and actually made an attempt, only to learn that there's no tribe for you, then that's an alienating experience in its own. Suddenly it doesn't really feel like you're trying to find a new home, instead it feels like you're a parasite, trying to worm your way into these worlds seemingly filled with a beauty that wasn't ever yours.
of course that may just be my perspective, but hopefully there's a commonality between us in that regard