Story Alienated by everything

[Makko]

You're Asian right? My Asian friend tells me there's a level of narcissism to Asian culture. Makes sense from what I understand, a huge sense of filial obligation to one's parents no matter how awful they are. I remember a post you said where your parents wanted slaves not children. Combined with the fact you said your parents thought emotions were for plebs while being negatively emotive themselves?

There's an all-consuming obsession with protocol, and the fancier the family the worse it is. Your every twitch is scheduled and regulated from the day you are born until the day you die. If you take a step out of line you'll be met with swift and extreme reprisal and then everyone will pretend nothing happened so that the show can get back on track. Obviously this culture generates some fairly neurotic personalities and a constant need to put everyone below you "in their place".

Emotions fuck with kids badly and parents choose to not give a shit. In my experience, I never learned how to properly regulate my emotions. When I think I'm experiencing love, I go all the way to developing limerence which is a very painful experience if the other person doesn't reciprocate. When I feel sad, I just go into suicidal and self destructive behavior.

It sounds like you manage to completely suppress your emotions instead of learning how regulate them properly. I'm at 100% you're at 0%. Normal people are between 25%-75%.

It's strange how little it takes to emotionally bust a kid for life.

Skimming that article, it states that the issue with people with SPD is that there's low incentive for them to seek treatment. I guess my question is, do you want to connect with other people? Based off your comments I'd say you do but are just alienated by what you find but you're still open to experiences.

I haven't had much experience with hallucinagens other than mild microdosing of shrooms to aid in my depression but from the research I gathered, taking heroic doses of shrooms or doing an ayahuasca trip can kill the ego (which is ultimately what I think depression is for me anyways, sounds like the issue with SPD) and force experiencing connection with the world. It's why I'm shelving out a lot of money for an ayahuasca trip later this year.

It's going to take a huge transformative experience for me to want connection and I can't come up with any other potential way to trigger such an experience than heroic doses of psychedelics. I may (if the odds fall out in my favor) move to Brazil next year where ayahuasca/DMT and other interesting things are available. I think it'll be my only chance.

He says that emotions are the core of our being and always a propri to any psychological phenomenon that we experience. For me the conclusion is, that the self-knowledge about our emotional economy is essential for our self understanding. I like it because it goes against our cultural obsession with rationality.

I figured this out the hard way and find all the people running around thinking they're "rational" fairly contemptible. It's a form of religious fundamentalism but without the cool stuff. The academia has it the worst. At least in the business world you develop a practical, ad-hoc undestand of psychology, but armchair theorists who don't actually experience society for what it is tend to lose themselves deep in delusion about this. The man in the video is obviously an exception because this is the object of his study.

I can relate to some of this. Many people try to assure me that life is worth living by convincing me that I can get a better job, a better house, find love, etc. What they don't understand is that I have never doubted my abilities for a second. I know I can get a better job, a better house, and find love. I simply do not want to.

This reality does not inspire me, I'm not interested in climbing higher, and the things this society places on a pedestal are not the things I'm interested in pursuing. I've already sampled what life has to offer and have come to the conclusion that such things are not worth the effort.

There are some differences though. I know what I want and the things I want are all locked away in the world of fiction. My dissociation comes from a very conscious rejection of reality. I already know I'm not going to get what I want out of life. I'm waiting to die. In the meantime, I like to experiment. My energy goes towards playing pretend, serving other people, and toying with spiritual concepts that I don't actually believe in. Who knows, maybe one of the countless arbitrary combinations of salt drawings, plants, and candles really will summon a demon. What do I have to lose?

Admittedly, there are moments where I lose interest in everything and when I imagine getting what I've always wanted, I can't help but feel like this emptiness will still be there. It won't satisfy me. But... I've had depression since I was a kid and what I described is one of the symptoms. Maybe this is all just the result of some chemical imbalance and broken biology. A boring conclusion, but a likely one.

I'd rather believe that you're the incarnation of Buddha like that one guy suggested. That's far more interesting.

I think I'm more repressed than depressed but I can understand most of this. Though rather than being locked away in the world of fiction, I do believe the things I want are locked away somewhere in reality, but that presumes a definition of "reality" broader than the popular nihilist one.

 

[depressedsoul]

welcome to my life

 

[Skathon]

...I would like to mention that schizoid personality disorder is an inborn neurological (physical) condition, therefore cannot be cured. I hope my assumption (on the previous page) is incorrect, however.

 

[Makko]

...I would like to mention that schizoid personality disorder is an inborn neurological (physical) condition, therefore cannot be cured. I hope my assumption (on the previous page) is incorrect, however.

I'm not looking for a cure, I'm more looking for new experiences. I've done some reading around and concluded that getting lost in a psychobabble labyrinth won't do me much good, even if some labels clearly fit better than others. All it does it bring up a growing list of horrifying implications. I'd rather follow my intuition on where I can possibly find something that will make a difference.

 

[Pure]

All it does it bring up a growing list of horrifying implications.

That's the issue with modern day pysch, especially if you've been labled with anything other than depression or anxiety. The industry tells you you're doomed to be like that for the rest of your life.