NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[ventingfrustrations]

Ok I got a dark humor suicide method

Ok so in my area there is no limit on the amount of guns you can own and I thought of the suicide gun box (if I get a really good job or smth) like 100 revolver's makeshifted into a metal box and they are all pointed at me with an electric system or something to pull all the triggers at once sort of like a modern version of the Iron Maiden

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

High Five
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[Yonlux]

Why the math's book committed suicide? Because he was with much problems...
Why the book CTB? Because everyone judged him by his cover...
Why did the pan commit suicide? it's because she was under a lot of DEpression... (this one make more sense in portuguese language lol)

 

[maniac116]

Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god.

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

 

[Halfhourdays]

Yew gotta be kidding me, all the best methods Argon.

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[fallingleaves]

Plan To Be More Positive Off To Shitty Fucking Start

PITTSBURGH—Confirming that the change in outlook was already a massive pain in the ass, area woman Jen McKessy reported Thursday that her plan to be more positive was off to a shitty fucking start. “Well, I’m not even three days into giving optimism a shot, and it already sucks,” said McKessy...

theonion.com

I dunno if this counts but this gave me a chuckle. I relate

 

[maniac116]

Two men were being led to the gallows in the public square...

The square was packed with people, wagons, vendor's stalls, children and farm animals.
Suddenly, a large bull bellowed loudly and broke loose from it's enclosure. It began rampaging through the crowd, knocking over stalls, running down people, goring anyone who got in it's way. People started screaming and stampeding everywhere.

One of the condemned men turned to the other and said, "I say - it's a good thing we're not down there, eh?"

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder...

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

Man: "I work with animals."

Woman: "That's so sweet. I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"

Man: "I work in the butcher shop up the street."

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

"If I knew it would take so Goddamned long I would have turned on the TV"...

 

[maniac116]

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours...
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

 

[Manaaja]

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

 

[maniac116]

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"
"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence and then a gunshot.
The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

 

[maniac116]

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After two minutes she said all charges were being dropped due to a lack of evidence.

 

[maniac116]

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?

"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.

Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.

He replies: "Fake noose."

 

[(in)sane]

Too dark?

View attachment 162405

Oof

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

Why is suicide illegal in China?
Destruction of government property

 

[steveholt]

My suport worker while i was in rehab ... we talked about greif and loss...she was really good at ber job

She died and i didnt care

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

View attachment 162560

If it were my thoughts and prayers... Then it did work.